How to Deal with a Jerk at Work

Co-authored by Lauren Krasny

Last Updated: November 27, 2021

Having a consistently rude coworker can make your daily life less satisfying. It is important to evaluate early on whether the jerk at work is behaving in a way that’s illegal or breaks any company policies. This means determining if your rude colleague is committing harassment or behaving abusively. You may need to take measures to get the company to reprimand them if this is the case. However, you may simply need to learn how to deal with their behavior by avoiding or ignoring them. This will help you focus on the happier parts of your work day!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Determining Why They Are a Jerk

1
Ask the person. Of course, you won't want to walk up to the jerk and say "Why are you mean to me?" Instead, tell them you want to get along with everyone at work, and ask if there is something you should or shouldn't be doing. It is possible that they are simply not familiar with you, and having this face-to-face may break the ice.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- If you don't feel comfortable having this conversation, you may need to try more indirect methods.
2
Think about their tone. If either of you is new to the job, you simply may not know each other yet. Many people deal with stressful or dissatisfying workplace environments with sarcastic annoyance. However, if their comments are truly hurtful and/or aimed only at you or a select group of people, keep an eye on the behavior.
- Don’t let 1 or 2 interactions constitute your opinion of your new coworker. Only make up your mind that they are a jerk after an established pattern of behavior.
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3
Ask around subtly. You need to be careful when asking your coworkers if they have noticed the jerk’s behavior. You don’t want to mislead people into thinking there is a rivalry or conflict that needs resolving. However, it may be useful to ask a simple question that allows others to confide in you. After all, if the jerk in question is having trouble at home, you don’t want to add to their pain by starting gossip about them at work.
- Don’t schedule appointments or go out of your way to have these conversations. If you do, however, casually find yourself in a somewhat private situation, mention your coworker’s behavior.
- You might say something like, “Bob seems a bit tense today,” or something more targeted like, “The way Bob acts lately you’d think I did something to him.” Make your question or comment appropriate for how well you know the third party.
4
Look at your own performance. Unfortunately, some people deal with struggling coworkers by being rude instead of helping them improve. This may be unpleasant, but you should think about whether the jerk's comments relate to your mistakes. This doesn’t mean they are in the right. It is, though, a necessary element to recognize so you can suggest it as the root of your coworker's unfriendliness when you talk with them, your boss, or other appropriate department.
- You might later say, “Bob has been short and unfriendly with me lately, and I just wonder if it is because I lost the Randleman account.” Don’t sound like you are too sure about this, because an impartial observer may quickly tell you some other more likely reason – perhaps they are going through a divorce and you hadn’t heard yet.
5
Observe the jerk's performance. The problem may not lie with you. They may not be performing well, and feel the need to compensate by acting more serious at work. For some people, this translates into eliminating friendliness. If you are doing particularly well, they may see you as a competitor and even be jealous of your performance.^{[2]
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6
Look at the type of work they do. Not all jobs are rainbows and unicorns, and not all people are meant for the role they play at work. If your job itself is a source of dissatisfaction and stress, and isn’t rewarding, that may be the reason the jerk isn't always nice. Not everyone copes with these drawbacks of employment well, so try to be understanding.
- Refrain from telling the jerk they are being whiny or ungrateful. That is more combative than calming. Remember that not everyone gets the same benefits from a shared experience, like their job.
7
Look into their home life respectfully. Tread lightly with this one. If both of you seem to be performing well and there has been no major change in work recently, it may be a personal problem. This is another time it might help to ask a coworker. An even better option might be to mention it to your supervisor. Make sure you are coming from a place of concern, not accusation.
- You might say, “Bob has been short and even rude with me lately. Do you know if he’s having problems outside the office? I just want to be as understanding as possible.”
- Other signs you might look for may be frequent calls from home; if they regularly arrive late or leave early; if they seems stressed or tired every day; or if their unhappiness is evident even when no one is around.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Coping with an Unfriendly Coworker

1
Control your anger. If the jerk is merely trying to get a ‘rise’ out of people, try to deny them this. More importantly, you don’t want their unfriendliness to escalate into an actual conflict. Let that person play the role of the office jerk. Remember the aspects of your job and your home life that make you happy and try to move past the jerk's unfriendliness.^{[3]
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2
Remain kind and friendly. If the jerk is intentionally being unfriendly with you, they will be put off by your continued kindness. However, don’t ‘smother’ them with kindness. It will be obvious if you are trying to combat their unfriendliness with the opposite. You don’t want to come off as trying to combat their behavior in any way. That will only prolong the behavior, and even turn it into a dispute.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
- For example, a cheery “good morning” as they pass by is always appropriate. However, don’t make a point of walking over to their work station every morning and asking a lot of questions about their plans the previous evening with a big smile on your face.
3
Do your job well. Remember you are not at work to make friends. Punch the clock, do your job, punch the clock again, and go home. Focusing on your job is another way to keep from dwelling on a jerk's behavior. Additionally, if they are being rude to you because you aren’t performing well, this should help. It shows you are trying to improve and you take the job seriously.
4
Minimize your contact with the jerk. There is, almost certainly, no line in your hiring paperwork that says you have to be friends with your coworkers. Interact with unfriendly coworkers when you need to and be pleasant when you are around them. Don’t try to force relationships to get better by regularly sitting next to a particularly unfriendly coworker at lunch. Not everyone will get along, and that is ok.
5
Vent at home if necessary. A better way to release the tension of dealing with a rude coworker is telling your spouse or friend at home. Do a better job of keeping your unpleasant thoughts out of the workplace than they do. Find people you can talk to, but who will also help you move on with your life.
6
Focus on work only at work. Remember that old saying, “Living well is the best revenge?” The jerk may have problems at home that make them need to feel like the alpha dog at work. Though your chosen career should be fulfilling and satisfying, strive for a healthy work-life balance. It is ok to vent on especially bad days, but recognize that your rude coworker may not change. Start to think instead about what you want to do after work on your commute home rather than dwelling on, for example, Bob’s rude comment at lunch.
7
Identify patterns of rudeness. The best way to cope with a rude colleague is by minimizing the number of times you let them surprise you. This means hearing a rude quip or comment and thinking, for example, ‘Well, that’s Bob for you.’ It can be difficult to do, as most people do not repeat themselves word-for-word every day. However, there should be distinct patterns to their unfriendliness. Remember that this is a way of brushing off the jerk's rudeness, not validating it.
- For example, you might notice that they make a comment or chuckle every time you answer a question wrong in meetings. Though the comment may be different, accept it as today’s rude outburst.
- Another pattern of rude behavior might be consistently challenging your suggestions. As long as you don’t let their grandstanding get in the way of doing the job well, it might be harmless. Calmly explain your rationale and let other coworkers help you make the right decision.
8
Learn you might have to accept it. It is an unfortunate aspect of human behavior that we don’t like to change – especially when others tell us to. Hopefully the jerk's rudeness will subside with time, but it may not. Remember that your coworkers are not the same as friends or family, and focus on the other aspects of your life. You might need to give up trying to control their behavior. The less you let yourself dwell on their rudeness, the happier you will be.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Confronting an Unfriendly Coworker

1
Address the person in private. You may not feel comfortable doing this, so it will be a decision you have to make. Ask your friends or family at home if they recommend a confrontation. Make sure to keep the conversation casual so that the jerk doesn't think you’re trying to corner them. You also don’t want to violate any workplace regulations. ^{[5]
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- For example, don’t talk to the jerk in private if they are not only unfriendly, but also aggressive. You don’t want to put your safety at risk. If this is true, it is probably a sign that you need to get a third party involved.
- If they simply make snarky comments that offend you, it is a good idea to let the person know gently, in private.
- Make mention of the specific behaviors that are inappropriate. Take this as an opportunity to air out any grievances this person may have about you and vice versa, but don’t let it get too long-winded. They may not have realized their actions, and feel immediate remorse.
2
Report it to a supervisor. The jerk may tell you they don't care about your feelings. They may simply go on acting the same way no matter what. If the behavior continues, go directly to your supervisor to report any incidents. If there is truly harmful or abusive behavior, the company needs to document and address the problem.^{[6]
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3
Go to human resources or a similar department. You may feel that management is not addressing the issue sufficiently, or that the jerk is becoming abusive. Most companies will not allow such behavior especially if it has racial, age, or sexual undertones. Offenses such as this generally require formal reprimands so as to protect the company from a lawsuit.
- Tell the staff, for example, that Bob has made a number of age-related jokes that are increasingly unfriendly. You asked him politely to stop, but he hasn’t.
4
Report the actions higher up the food chain. If your company is not dealing with the problem, go to management or corporate administration. Your company may have a toll-free line you can call. This is an unfortunate situation, because it can seriously jeopardize your employment if the call is taken the wrong way by your supervisors. However, you don’t need to put up with abusive coworkers because of potential intimidation from your company.
5
Consult an attorney. You may not be able to resolve the problem in-house. This may seem like a drastic step, but remember that workplaces do not exist in a bubble. There are civil laws that can be broken, and if the behavior constitutes abuse or harassment, you can file a suit against your coworker. This is especially important if it is a serious problem that your company refuses to address.
6
Consider a different job as a last resort. If the jerk's behavior is very unpleasant, but doesn’t actually break any rules, you may not be able to change them. Don’t put your happiness on the back burner – this is a matter of your mental health. If you are secure enough in your career to move to another company, look around quietly. It may even be an opportunity for you to make a life-change that you have been putting off for years.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if I start getting overwhelmed or I'm too hard on myself?

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Lauren Krasny is a Leadership and Executive Coach and the Founder of Reignite Coaching, her professional and personal coaching service based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She also currently coaches for the LEAD Program at Stanford University Graduate School of Business and is a former Digital Health Coach for Omada Health and Modern Health. Lauren received her coaching training from the Coach Training Institute (CTI). She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Michigan.

Lauren Krasny

Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach

Expert Answer

It's important to be open and communicative with the people that rely on you at work. If you're struggling, say something. Ask for help or try brainstorming possible solutions with your boss. When it comes to being hard on yourself, try practicing mindfulness and relaxing when you start feeling negative.