How to Deal with a Passive Aggressive Coworker

Written by Meredith Walters, MBA | Edited by Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: July 13, 2022 References

Wondering how to stay positive when a passive-aggressive coworker is dragging you down? A passive-aggressive colleague might be sullen, talk about feeling underappreciated, or sabotage your team projects.^{[1]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} It can feel tough to navigate this kind of relationship, but we’re here to give you all the information you need to create a healthier workspace. Here’s our comprehensive guide on how to deal with a passive-aggressive coworker.

This article is based on an interview with our certified career coach, Meredith Walters, MBA. Check out the full interview here.

1

Stay calm in the moment.

Putting on a calm front keeps drama from escalating. Reacting to your coworker in a negative way can cause them to create even more trouble down the line, so avoid lashing out against your colleague at all costs.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jeffrey Fermin
Marketing Manager, AllVoices
Expert Interview. 11 July 2022.} If your coworker’s behavior is bothering you, try deescalating the situation by doing something like:^{[3]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Taking a minute to collect your thoughts before responding to a passive-aggressive coworker
- Leaving the room if you feel you can’t respond in a constructive way^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jeffrey Fermin
  Marketing Manager, AllVoices
  Expert Interview. 11 July 2022.}
- Changing the topic after feeling insulted by saying something like, “I disagree with your assessment of me, but let’s talk about something else.”
- Practicing mindfulness exercises to restore your sense of inner peace.

2

Be compassionate.

Passive-aggressive behavior often has an origin that you can sympathize with. Understanding that your coworker’s toxic behavior isn’t about you or your capabilities, but is instead about their own mindset, can keep you from taking their behavior personally. Although you might never find out what caused your coworker to act this way, treating them with compassion can keep you from making the problem worse.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.}
- There might be a motive for why your coworker is acting this way. For example, they may be feeling frustrated over having not been promoted for a while.
- Your coworker might also be dealing with personal issues. Remember to not sink to their level and fight fire with fire. Acting compassionately will leave you with no regrets.

3

Focus on the content, not the delivery.

Your passive-aggressive coworker may have legitimate complaints. It's possible that their comments are valid but they aren't expressing them in a constructive way. Instead of taking their tone personally, try to focus on the substance behind what they’re saying. For example:^{[6]
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- If your coworker says, “It’s cute that you think that this plan will work,” interpret their message as expressing doubts about the plan you have, not as a personal attack.
- If your coworker says, “I feel like the only competent person here,” interpret their message as saying something along the lines of, “I don’t feel like I can count on my teammates.”
- If your coworker says, “I’m too good for this job,” interpret their message as saying something like, “I’m looking for more challenge in my work.”

4

Model good behavior.

Adjusting your own behavior may influence your coworker. Remember that every relationship is a two-way street, and think about how you might be able to lead by example in order to create a better relationship with your coworker. For example, you might want to consider taking a few simple actions, like:^{[7]
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- Offering your coworker praise when they do something well
- Steering clear of gossipy or negative behavior at work
- Being open, kind, and constructive when you communicate a problem at work

5

Set clear expectations.

Clarifying responsibilities solves communication problems. Often, your passive-aggressive coworker might not realize the effect that they’re having on the team. They may genuinely be unaware of what their expectations are in the workplace, so clarify them in a helpful and constructive way. Try saying something like:^{[8]
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- “I realize that there may have been a communication problem on my end, but please remember to send me updates each day on your half of the project.”
- “I know that our boss never talked about job expectations after we got hired, but remember that covering extra shifts when necessary was part of the initial job description.”
- “I really appreciate that you want to keep your personal life separate from the job, but part of being on this team means celebrating our coworkers’ achievements together with them.”

6

Ask them how they’re feeling.

Give your coworker a sign that you care about them. Your coworker may be acting this way because they feel underappreciated and uncared for. If your coworker makes a passive-aggressive comment, showing them that you care about their well-being can inspire them to conduct themselves differently.
- For example, you might say something like, “I’m a bit worried that you may be feeling upset. Can I ask you what’s on your mind?”
- Remember that people are generally toxic for a reason. Your worker may be experiencing issues at home unrelated to work.

7

Bring up the behavior in private.

A direct conversation with your coworker may change their behavior. It can feel intimidating to approach your coworker about how they’ve been acting, but by being direct and focusing on concrete examples of what you’d like to see changed, you can conduct this conversation in a dignified way.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jeffrey Fermin
Marketing Manager, AllVoices
Expert Interview. 11 July 2022.}^{[10]
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Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.} Pick a private place to talk and say something like:
- “I’ve noticed that you’ve seemed pretty negative about some of our recent projects. Would you be willing to talk to me about this?”
- “I heard that you’ve been unhappy with our work relationship. I’d like to find a way to work through this with you.”
- “I’ve felt like we’ve been experiencing some communication difficulties. Let’s see if we can come up with a solution to improve our relationship.”
- It can be helpful to role-play this conversation in advance with a friend, family member, or a therapist.^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.}

8

Limit your interactions.

Keep your coworker at a distance to improve your work life. Although this might not be possible if you’re forced to work closely with your coworker at all times, if you can find a way to only interact with them when necessary, you can keep yourself comfortable at work.^{[12]
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- For example, if you have a loud and disruptive coworker, this might mean wearing headphones at work, changing where you sit, or altering your lunch break time.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.}
- Set boundaries with your passive-aggressive coworker with what you're willing to tolerate.^{[14]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jeffrey Fermin
  Marketing Manager, AllVoices
  Expert Interview. 11 July 2022.}

9

Document everything.

Keep your own career safe through careful documentation. If a passive-aggressive coworker has decided to sabotage your own chances of career success, it’s important that you have documentation to prove your own side of the story should you end up in trouble. Screenshot or save any e-mails or texts you get from your coworker that demonstrate their lack of responsibility.^{[15]
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- Keep your documentation strictly limited to the facts. Rather than writing something like, “She had a bad attitude today,” make a timestamped note saying something like, “She arrived to our meeting 20 minutes late.”
- For example, if your coworker ignores your e-mails asking for updates on their side of a project, keep your e-mail thread with them saved.

10

Go to your manager.

As a last resort, your manager can address this behavior.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Jeffrey Fermin
Marketing Manager, AllVoices
Expert Interview. 11 July 2022.} If you’ve already tried everything to make your relationship with your coworker functional, it’s okay to escalate things by talking to your manager.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} Instead of criticizing your coworker’s character, stay professional and focused on how your work has been impacted. For example, you might say something like:
- “I’ve been running into an issue where I’ve had my work for our projects completed on schedule, but Anna hasn’t been updating me about when I can expect her to finish her parts of the work.”
- “I think there’s been a communication issue with Jeff that I can’t resolve. He hasn’t been responding to my messages, even when there are deadlines approaching.”
- “I’ve been struggling to make my expectations clear with Sonia. It seems like she would rather work directly with you instead of taking my position as team lead seriously.”

11

Focus on positive relationships.

Center your life around people who treat you well. A toxic relationship with a coworker can make you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and can be extremely draining. Spend more time with people at work who make you feel supported, and also make sure to maintain a fulfilling life outside of work.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.}
- Although gossiping about your passive-aggressive coworker with a colleague might make you feel better in the short term, it can hurt your chances of improving the relationship in the future.
- Keep your conversations with your other coworkers positive and unrelated to your coworker. Dwelling on your passive-aggressive coworker can make you feel worse.

12

Talk to a therapist to heal.

A therapist can give you space to process your emotions. Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior every day can take a serious toll on your mental health. Finding a therapist or mental health counselor can help you talk through your feelings in a safe space and give you additional strategies for resolving any conflicts you might have with your coworker.^{[19]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If your coworker has been causing you serious stress and anxiety, seeking mental health support can really help you manage your emotions. You deserve to feel happy and comfortable.