How to Get a Boyfriend if You're Very Shy

Co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld

Last Updated: September 13, 2022 References

Getting a boyfriend when you're shy can be difficult. Confidence is important to get a guy interested in you, but not always necessary. Some boy probably already thinks you are cool or cute and you just don’t know it yet. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and instead focus on living your life; a boy will follow if that’s what you want.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Interacting and Being Near a Boy

1
Work out what you're comfortable with. If you're not willing to approach the boy you like, then you need to get close to him in some other way. Are you able to talk to him if you're in a big group of friends, or are you more comfortable being alone with him?
- Decide what type of interactions you flourish in. Try out both techniques, and then you should have a better idea of what works for you.^{[1]
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  Research source}
- If you don't feel comfortable putting yourself out there, practice getting up and talking to a variety of different people.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
2
Make him notice you. Be a bit sneaky, and try to make it so you end up standing next to him in a line, or sitting next to him in class/at work. Use little opportunities to be around him until you get the chance to make a conversation. If you know you’re going to be close to someone you like the day before, plan on wearing something eye catching like a red dress, or a new hair style.
- Eye contact is your friend!^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} Once eye contact is initiated, there is an opportunity open for communication. Eye contact can be more powerful than words.
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3
Initiate contact with him. Smile or say hello when you walk past each other. This will make things more friendly between you without seeming too forward. Try making eye contact every now and again. This doesn't mean you should start staring at him, but just give him a little glance.^{[4]
X
Research source}^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
4
Use the internet to your advantage. If you really can't talk to his face, then you may find it easier to add him on Facebook, MSN, Myspace etc, and start up a conversation that way. Just start up a chat asking how he is, what's he been up too, or what you've been doing etc. If you get to know him that way, it won't seem as strange when you try to talk to him in real life.
5
Have fun. When he's around just relax, tell a few funny stories, laugh along with what other people are saying. Don't complain or moan about anything, it'll only make you seem moody, unless that is the way you are. Show off your personality in the way that suits you.
- If there is something weird you think about yourself, don’t hide it. Some guy might find you cool for being weird. Attraction works in mysterious ways.
6
Ask someone out. If you’ve made small eye contact and feel a connection, invite the guy out for a cup of coffee. Don’t feel obliged to wait for him to make the first move. He might be more shy then you are and might find it great that you took the initiative.^{[6]
X
Research source} Try saying something like this:
- ”Hey Carl, there’s a show at Cafe Apocalypse this Saturday. You wanna go with me?”
- ”John, would you be into getting a cup of coffee with me?”
- ”Lamar, I noticed you draw toilets in class, you should check out some of my doodles.”
7
Look on the bright side. What's the worst thing that could happen? So what if you go up to him, freak out and forget what you were going to say? So what if he says no? It doesn't matter because at the end of the day it happens to everyone, even the prettiest, most confident girls. Don't let it get you down or make you even more shy because practice makes perfect, give flirting a try, at first it might feel awkward, but eventually it'll come naturally.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Getting Yourself Out There

1
Volunteer your time. One way of getting out there is by volunteering for a good organization.^{[7]
X
Research source} Consider what you enjoy doing like volunteering with a theater crew, nonprofit, or food bank. Try to pick a group you know has other people your age. If you are in school, talk to a guidance counselor about popular volunteering organizations.
- The beauty of volunteering is that it forces you to interact with a team, that might have a dream boy, while doing positive work for a community.
2
Join a recreational group. A good way to meet and interact with boys is within a group setting instead of a party. Look at various clubs and organizations that interest you like: theater tech, magazine, speech and debate, or another club that interests you. You don’t have to be loud to get noticed. When you’re in an environment you enjoy, you will feel more confident.
- Focus on the group instead of trying to impress boys with your knowledge of the group.
- Acting out of passion is an attractive quality that will put you on the radar.^{[8]
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  Research source}
3
Participate in co-ed sports. A good way of meeting new people is by playing pick up co ed sports. Talk to some of your friends about joining together so you have your own support group. Once you start a season, the boys on your team will begin to know your name. Even if you aren’t into anyone on your team, making more friends and connections will increase your social network.
- If you aren’t sports inclined, don’t try picking up sports for a boy.
4
Go out to events. Even if you’re under 21, you can still go out and see bands or comedy acts. Go with a group of your friends and just be out there. Go to an event that you actually care about.^{[9]
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Research source} Once you’re there, you’ll probably make eye contact with a boy who is also shy and loves Tegan and Sara.
- If you have a crush on a particular boy, try to find out what kind of events he goes to.
- Even if you don’t strike up a great chat with anyone new, at least you got yourself out there. You probably caught the eye of someone who might be on the lookout for you at future events.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Building Confidence

1
Create an action plan.^{[10]
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Research source} Select an aspect from you personal or professional (school) life that you’re dissatisfied with. Take a moment to reflect on your previous week. Were there any times where you felt like you could have stepped up and done something differently? Take a few moments to think about what you would have done, and if that would have made you happier
- For instance, if you see an acquaintance at the supermarket, you pretend like you never saw them. Instead of letting them notice you first, say “hello” right when you see them.
- You could make a large-scale goal to introduce yourself to 100 people.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
2
Seek out a mentor.^{[12]
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Research source} If there is someone in your life that pursues risks and acts as you feel you could act, approach them. You don’t need to ask them if they’ll mentor you into getting a boyfriend, but just ask them out for lunch or coffee. Be honest with them and explain that you struggle with being shy and you’re trying to build confidence.
- Be sure you can trust this person before talking to them.
- If you are out of people, talk to a guidance counselor or even a therapist for advice.
3
Begin to experiment. Build your confidence by forcing yourself into a new experience. Take a small risk by following your impulse. You can start small by going out to dinner alone, take a class on an exciting subject, or repair an appliance by yourself. When you accomplish something, you feel better and your self-confidence improves.
- Do something society doesn’t deem “ladylike.” For instance: take a class on welding.
- If you’re feeling too shy to out to an event or a class alone, get a trusted friend to join you.
- Try to do a small risk every week.
4
Increase your self-esteem. Many women feel from societal pressures of beauty that they aren’t good enough. This simply is not true and just happens to be the negative side of western culture. Care about your appearance, but don't let that consume you. Project self-esteem by dressing in a way that makes you feel attractive. Another way to improve your self-esteem is by challenging your negative thoughts like:
- Discard an all or nothing mentality that could lead you to think: "if he doesn't notice me in this dress, then I must be ugly."
- Be proud of yourself instead seeing a positive as a negative like: "I was only chosen to lead the debate because no one else wanted to."
- Change the way you handle negative thoughts. For example: If something got to you during school, come up with thoughts or activities that will reduce your stress.^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
5
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. You must have something good about yourself and your personality, so let that shine through. Don't cover yourself up by trying to be what you think he might want. The best way to build confidence is by believing in yourself.
- One way to be yourself is to expose what you like. If you love a band or musician, wear a fan t-shirt. If you’re enjoying a book you are reading, bring it to school or work.
- Talk openly about what you are genuinely interested in. It will be hard at first, but talking to anyone about a mutual interest is healthy.
6
Be happy with the way that you look. Find a new way of doing your hair, dress a little differently from your usual, use your favorite make up. If you feel good about yourself, it'll show. If you're unhappy with the way you look, then do something about it. If you don't like your hair then change it.

Community Q&A

Question

If you like a guy why risk getting turned down?

Community Answer

Getting rejected is a part of life. It's better that you start now instead of growing up with delusions about what you want. Rumors are a petty aspect of adolescence. Prove to your peers that you are strong by approaching him. You really don't have anything to lose.
Question

What if he is older than you and you don't talk a lot or in the same class?

Community Answer

Age starts to matter less and less as you get older. Don't let his age stop you from trying. Take small steps and attempt to answer questions in class or ask questions. You shouldn't feel stupid for asking questions.
Question

What do you do if you have strict parents that wont let you have social accounts?

Community Answer

Your parents are only trying to keep you safe. There are plenty of ways to setup an account on social media websites that protects your privacy. Try bringing up a discussion about privacy settings to your parents. Explain to them that you want to be apart of your school's social life.