How to Hide Your Feelings of Lesbianism

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: October 25, 2022

Coming out is a personal decision and a gradual process. In an ideal situation, staying in the closet wouldn't be necessary—everybody would accept all sexualities and relationships as long as consent is involved. But if you are in a situation where being openly a lesbian could result in physical or emotional harm, attempting to "pass" as heterosexual is a valid and manageable choice.

Things You Should Know

Don’t feel bad about hiding your feelings if you aren’t comfortable with them or its unsafe for you to share them publicly.
Look for supportive, loving friends whom you can openly talk to about the way you feel.
There are plenty of communities and resources online you might find helpful if you want to speak to someone anonymously.
Feel free to take your time; everyone comes out on their own schedule and there’s no right or wrong way to do it.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making the Decision

1
Consider the reason why you may need to hide who you are. While coming out is usually a positive experience, if you're in an intolerant environment, you may be safer if you stay in the closet for now. You might want to hide your identity if...^{[1]
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- Your family would penalize you. If they might kick you out of the house, abuse you, send you to conversion therapy, or withhold education funds, don't come out.
- Your area is hostile to gay people. If you would face discrimination, bullying, abuse, or other serious problems, it may be safer to stay in the closet.
- You don't feel safe coming out to certain people. If your instincts tell you you wouldn't be safe, listen.
- You're not ready to handle coming out yet. Even if it's a safe environment, you might not be ready. You could be dealing with emotional turmoil, wondering how to deal with the subject, or trying to figure out whether you're safe.
2
Consider how likely your worst fears are to happen if you come out. Have people shown any evidence that they might not be accepting? For example, "my mom who routinely makes homophobic comments might hate me" is a more realistic fear, whereas "all my friends will turn on me and I will die alone surrounded by 15 cats" is very unlikely.
- Try to distinguish between coming-out jitters (which are very normal) and instinct that a person or group is hostile towards gay people.
- If you're unsure about someone, try bringing up LGBTQ-related subjects to see how people react.
- If you realize it's probably just nerves, don't feel bad. Nervousness is natural and okay. You don't have to come out until you feel ready.
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3
Recognize that staying closeted is temporary. Hiding who you are can be incredibly stressful and alienating, and it's normal to deal with all sorts of difficult feelings. Remind yourself that this is a temporary solution, and things can be different someday.
4
Look at places where you can come out, and where you can't. Having a few people to talk to can help you feel less lonely, and can counteract feelings of shame or fear that closeted lesbians may face. Here are examples that may work for you:
- Telling a few trusted friends, and asking them to keep your identity quiet
- Being out online using a screen name, and closeted in person
- Telling your mom and your brother, but not your controlling father
- Being out at college, but not to your parents
Tip: Avoid coming out to people who "go nuclear" when mad at someone. For example, if one of your friends can be vengeful and post social media tirades, then you may not want to come out to that person. Even if you get along now, consider how they'd act if the two of you had a fight. Would they still respect your privacy or would they potentially out you in their anger?
5
Consider when you might be able to come out. This can help you look forward to a happier, healthier future. Imagine yourself as an older lesbian, maybe with a girlfriend or wife, happy and comfortable with who you are. When might that be possible to achieve? How can you get there?
- If you have homophobic parents, when will you no longer depend on them? When can you move out? When will you no longer depend on them to pay for your education?
- If your area is hostile, could you move someday?
- Once you are an adult, people tend to care less about your sexuality.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Coping In The Closet

1
Don't use someone as a beard without their consent. If you're going to date a guy, make sure he is on board with a fake romance, and doesn't expect a real one. It is cruel and hurtful to pretend to date somebody who believes you return their affections for real.
- If you know a gay guy who also needs to stay closeted, you could "date" each other.
- Know the difference between using someone as a beard and being confused. If you dated guys before because you hadn't realized that you were gay, that doesn't make you a bad person.
Tip: Using a guy as a beard is different from being bisexual. A bisexual woman can show interest in more than one gender. So, if you feel sincere attraction to this guy, you aren't "using" him by dating him.
2
Enjoy LGBTQ-friendly media when you can. Look for movies, TV, books, and internet media with lesbian characters, preferably those who lead happy and healthy lives. Content with creators in the LGBTQ community tends to have bountiful and accurate representation for gay people.
- Safety comes first. Learn how to clear your browsing history. Don't enjoy LGBTQ-friendly media if you're in a situation where you could be in danger if people saw what you were doing.
- If you are caught, come up with an explanation in advance. "I'm trying to increase my awareness as an ally" is a good one if you would not be punished for supporting gay rights.
3
Find community. Look for people, in person or online, who understand what it is like to be a lesbian, or LGBTQ+ in general. If you do not know anybody who's out of the closet as gay, look for straight allies who would be willing to have a conversation with you.
- If you live in a very conservative area, look for online lesbian communities.
- Can you pretend to be a straight ally of the LGBTQ+ community?
4
Consider online dating. If you want a girlfriend, fling, or some casual flirtation, using an online dating website could help you find prospective options. Even friendship with a fellow lesbian (or a bisexual woman) could eventually turn into something more, if you experience mutual attraction to each other.
- Online relationships can be tough. Letters, e-mails, FaceTime calls and mail-delivered presents can make the distance between you feel shorter.
- If you are up for it (and you have made sure it is safe), you can eventually meet up with your girlfriend in real life.
- Don't post any photos of yourself on a public dating profile: this could lead to you getting forcibly outed.
5
Vent to a trusted friend if things are getting tough. It is good to have a few friends that know about you being a lesbian - this way, you can talk to them when remaining in the closet upsets you. Before getting into anything heavy or potentially triggering, make sure to ask for their permission. Delving into upsetting topics without warning can cause your friend to become shaken and upset.
- If you are harming yourself or considering it, get help immediately.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staying In The Closet

1
Don't pretend to have a crush on a person you know in real life if you don't. Just like using somebody as an unknowing "beard" is malicious, saying that you have a crush on a random man has a high risk of hurting somebody's feelings. If word gets around that you like him - and he likes you back - this could put you in an awkward situation and make him feel confused or betrayed.
- Instead, you can bring up celebrity crushes or crushes on fictional characters. If you aren't a big actress, you can stay casual about it.
2
Bring up attraction to men in a casual conversation. If you feel as though somebody is suspicious about your sexuality, dropping a mention of your supposed "heterosexuality" could convince them that you are not attracted to girls. Mentioning a time you saw a cute guy or an ex-boyfriend (if you dated a guy before realising your lesbianism) is a good way to do this.
- "Our waiter was so cute, am I right? I absolutely loved his hair."
- "God, my ex-boyfriend HATED this flavour. I can't see why - it's delicious!"
- "You went to Coachella? Were there any hot guys there?"
- "It's a bit of a pointless talent. It's not like the man of my dreams will be impressed by my trivia skills."
3
Bring up a friend or acquaintance (real or imaginary) who's openly gay in order to explain in-depth knowledge of LGBT rights. A vast amount of information about these issues could lead to speculation about your supposed straightness. Being an ally towards an LGBT friend could act as a cover if you accidentally reveal more knowledge than the average straight person would have.
- "I researched a lot of this when my cousin came out as trans. I wanted to be the best supporter I could be."
- "No, I'm straight. But my best friend's a proud lesbian! She sort of indirectly passed on all of this through conversation."
4
Present femininely if it would be dangerous not to. It could be stressful for a butch or masculine lesbian to force herself into dresses, but if being herself puts her at risk, sometimes it is necessary. If you don't like looking too feminine, try being as gender non-conforming as you safely can - maybe keep your hair long to avoid your mother's whines, but stick to loose shirts and pants in the name of comfort.
- If you prefer to keep a bare face, you can lie and say you are wearing natural make-up. You can also cite skincare and avoiding pimples. And "makeup isn't my thing" is a valid explanation.
- When you are going somewhere alone, you can dress as masculine as you like.
5
Stay calm if you are outed. If somebody spreads rumours about your sexuality, you have multiple choices on what to do. You can reclaim the gossip and come out on your own, deny the rumours and try to convince others to believe you, or not say anything in response at all. As being outed is a terrifying and potentially traumatic situation, any reaction you experience is valid and okay.
- It is not your fault because you trusted the person who outed you. It is their fault - and only their fault - for putting you in danger, whether it was done carelessly or maliciously.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I keep my lesbianism hidden at school?

Nico

Top Answerer

Wearing or using pride-related items, such as bracelets, key chains, water bottles, pride shirts, etc. should be avoided. Only discuss your sexuality and crushes with trusted friends.If you don't want to be outed at school, the best thing you can do is deny any questions and keep your sexuality hidden.
Question

If I am young and confused about my sexuality, what should I do?

Nico

Top Answerer

Learn everything you can about sexuality. It is normal to have a crush, have sexual thoughts, or experiment with someone of a different gender. You don't have to be dating or having sexual relations with anyone to know if you're LGBTQ or straight. You might not be sexually interested in anyone. This is also okay. You can take quizzes on the internet to learn more about your sexuality, but they aren't always accurate. All of this is a normal part of (child and adolescent) development. Remember that sexuality is a spectrum, and you are not required to 'settle' on one.
Question

I came out to my family they said they support but everything is different. I get yelled at more. What should I do?

Logan Carlson

Community Answer

First, you should talk to them about it. If they said that they were going to support you, then they probably don't mean to yell more often, and they probably don't even realise it.

Warnings

Put your own safety first. You do not owe anyone information about your sexuality. Don't feel that you need to endanger yourself.

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