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This article was co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 138,327 times.
Do you have the feeling your parents are hovering over you too much? It's normal for your parents to be involved with your life, but sometimes you need boundaries. As you and your parents grow, your relationship must also evolve.[1] You need space to become your own person; your parents had this liberty and now it is your turn.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Communicating with Your Parents
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1Talk to your parents about boundaries.[2] It's normal to feel hesitant when confronting your parents because you may still be dependent on your parents' finances or emotional comfort.[3] If you need help talking about your boundary issues, then write out the specifics of what is bothering you. Showing your parents concrete examples will help them understand where you are coming from.
- Remember they don't have it "out for you" so don't be afraid to approach them.
- Be honest and open, but don't attack your parents. Restrain yourself from insulting your parents in this talk. This could potentially lead to arguments that fail at solving the real problems you're having.
- Just knowing that your parents are aware of what you are going through can reduce your feelings of annoyance towards them.[4]
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2Do not lie. Telling a lie can seem like an easy way out of a more complicated problem, but it'll only cause negative complications in the end. Parents are not dumb. If you tell a series of lies then you may trap yourself in a web of lies. In this situation a parent is more prone to see through your dishonesty. Lying hurts the ones you love.[5]
- Parents can become angry for being mislead or even frightened for the future of your well-being.[6] In the end, lying will only weaken your chances of having your wishes respected.
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3Anticipate your parents' reactions. Don't expect your parents to freely give you all the space you're imagining. You have to earn their trust. Initiating a conversation could merely be the beginning of a much longer process. If getting your alone time means hurting or causing your parents to cry, then consider if it is worth it.
- Think of them as normal adults, rather than as your parents.[7] Approaching them in this fashion could strengthen how open you are with your feelings.
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4Do something nice for them.[8] Studies show certain health benefits in response to actions of kindness whether you are the giver or receiver.[9] Kindness can improve the immune system and increase the brain's release of serotonin.[10] If they see that you are making an effort then they'll be more inclined to listen to your wishes. Try a few things around the house like:
- Vacuuming the house
- Doing the dishes after dinner
- Cleaning your room
- Offering to babysit a younger sibling
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5Keep track of your relationship with your parents. Don't let things build up and allow a small problem to snow-ball into a serious issue. Communication is key for any relationship. If you act in an open and honest manner to your parents, both you and your parents could reap the benefits. A good relationship between parents and their children is powerful.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Getting out of the House
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1Get a job. Becoming employed can show your parents that you want to be more independent. Most parents think working instills a variety of positive traits like developing work ethic and strengthening your independence.[11] Working will also give you time away from your parents. Getting a job shows your parents that you care about your future and might alleviate some of their concerns with your well-being.
- There are various ways you can prepare yourself for getting the job that is right for you.
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2Stay after school to finish assignments. Parents, in general, are usually concerned with your school work and your educational future. Finishing your assignments on time and staying up-to-date with your studies will prove that you are responsible and need less direction from your parents.
- If you are struggling in school then arrange for a tutoring service provided by your teacher or school. This will both lessen your time with your parents and show them that you don't need them to bother you about school work.
- If you are making good grades be sure to tell your parents.
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3Become involved with an extracurricular activity. Staying after-school can only occupy so much time. Inquire with your school about the various extracurricular programs you can become involved with. Occupying your time away from your home life could create the necessary space you need from your parents.
- If you're unsure about what programs your school has to offer, then ask your favorite teacher or councilor.
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4Hang out with your friends. Friends' homes can be your safe-haven while your parents are bothering you. Plan activities with your friends that will get you out of the house like:
- Going to the arcade
- Going bowling
- Going to see a movie
- Playing laser tag
- A group of your friends are having a sleepover.
- Their parents invited you on a weekend camping or beach trip.
- Their parents invited you over for dinner.
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5Start dating somebody. Dating can teach you about establishing a healthy and stable relationship that can extend into strengthening your relationship with your parents.[12] Entering into a relationship occupies your time and lots of parents will understand that this space is necessary. It might not be easy for you to rush into a relationship. If there is somebody in mind then try asking them out for coffee or to go see a movie.
- Rushing into a relationship for the wrong reasons could cause serious problems between the other person and yourself. Only follow this step if it feels natural for you to spend time with this person.
- Take the time and make a plan. This will improve your chances of the other person agreeing to see you.
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6Stay out of trouble. Getting in trouble at school or with the law will only raise your parents' attention towards you. If you do something that could get you into trouble and caught by the authorities, then don't do it. Separate yourself from certain friends that are prone to getting into trouble. If your parents begin to notice that you've weaved trouble making friends out of your life, then they'll appreciate it.
- Set high standards with your friendships and your life goals. If you dream big, then you'll feel more pressure to stay out trouble.[13]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Understanding Why Your Parents Are Bothering You
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1Recognize how your parents are bothering you. Try to figure out which aspects of your life your parents are bothering you in. You won't be able to get them to leave you alone completely, but you could figure out what area of your life is most important to be your time not theirs.
- Keep track of your time with your parents for about a week. Write down specific events or conversations that are especially bothering you.
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2Notice your behavior towards your parents. Relationships are a two-way street. If you are acting rude towards your parents, they could feel inclined, out of concern, to become more involved with you. If you continue to get into a conversation or argument you dislike, then recall your language and tone. Is this different than your normal speaking voice?[14]
- Even if you consider yourself to be a friendly person, recognize if this behavior is causing your parents to interact with you more than you'd like.
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3Find out if anything has changed in your parents' life. Your parents could be going through a hard time at work or even experiencing a rough patch in their relationship. Try asking your parents how their day was.[15] Inquiring about what they are going through could help lead them to admit they're recent over-involvement with you.
- If you are only experiencing annoyances with one parent, try asking their friend or your other parent/guardian about the parent in question. They may have good advise on what is bothering them.
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4Talk to others about your parents' behavior. If you have an older sibling, then find out if they went through the same thing. Ask your friends about their relationships and inquire if you're problems are common among your group of friends. Meet with a trusted mentor (teacher, adviser, babysitter, etc) and ask them about your parents being overbearing.
- If you are still unsure about your dilemma, consult with a guidance councilor or ask your parents for a therapist.
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5Wait it out. If this feeling is a recent development, then try waiting a week or two to see if their actions persist. Issues can fluctuate into an overwhelming period of time, and sometimes during this time people need help or the company of others. Remember your parents are also human beings and deserve your patience.
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References
- ↑ http://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/maintain-a-healthy-relationship-with-your-parents/
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ http://www.boundariesbooks.com/articles/boundaries/do-not-obey-your-parents/
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/thought/talk_parents.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200903/adolescent-lying-what-it-costs-and-what-do
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200903/adolescent-lying-what-it-costs-and-what-do
- ↑ http://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/maintain-a-healthy-relationship-with-your-parents/
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/act-of-kindness/
- ↑ http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/act-of-kindness/
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2936460/
- ↑ http://www.more4kids.info/586/teenage-dating-tips/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201201/10-habits-keep-you-out-trouble
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/talk_to_parents.html
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/parents_fight.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle
About This Article
Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
This article was co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles. This article has been viewed 138,327 times.
Co-authors: 27
Updated: March 10, 2023
Views: 138,327
Categories: Raising Issues with Parents
Article SummaryX
There may be times when you just want your parents to leave you alone so you can have the space to be more independent. To get more space, try to find ways to get out of the house. For example, you could get a part-time job or take up an extracurricular activity, like a sport or the school band. You could also hang out with friends several evenings per week to have some space from your parents. If you feel your parents are being too overbearing, you may need to talk to them directly about giving you more space. Try to provide concrete examples to show why you want to be left alone sometimes, which will make your parents more likely to respond positively. Reasons could include wanting to spend more time with friends or taking on more responsibility and making your own decisions about your life. To learn more, including why your parents may be bothering you, read on!
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