How to Politely Decline an Invitation

Co-authored by Tami Claytor

Last Updated: May 23, 2022 References

Everyone has received an invitation to a party or event they couldn’t or didn’t want to accept. Declining an invitation can be done without hurting the host’s feelings or creating hostility between the two of you. By responding politely and quickly, you can avoid creating a situation out of your absence, whether it is a formal event or an informal gathering or outing with friends.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Responding to Formal Invitations

1
Respond in the manner requested ASAP.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.} If invited to a wedding or another event for which an RSVP card is included, return the RSVP promptly. If you immediately know that you cannot or will not attend the event, let the host know right away not to expect you. ^{[2]
X
Research source} If the invitation came without a RSVP card, look on the invitation for the preferred method of contacting the host.
- Send "regrets" for written invitations within a week.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't give the impression that you may come if you know you won't. Stringing the host along as they prepare for their event will frustrate them.
- If you are not sure whether or not you can attend, call the host to explain your dilemma and ask when they need a solid answer.
- If you plan to attend but must be late, ask the host if that is ok. If the event includes a seated meal, it may not be possible to show up at anytime. However, your host may suggest you come at the conclusion of dinner before dancing begins. ^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- If no RSVP is requested, still call or write to the host with your regrets and thank them for including you. It is considered rude to ignore an invitation completely.
- “Regrets only” is often an option included on formal RSVP cards. If you do not send the card back, you are agreeing to attend.
2
Follow up with a handwritten note. Thank the host for the invitation, say you will not be able to make it, and wish them luck with their event. You might also tell them you would love to see them another time, if appropriate. Just don’t change your response! It’s important to stick to your original decision.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- The type of note should match the type of invitation sent. For a wedding or bridal shower, send a formal card or use nice looking stationery.
- Never send a typed response to a personal invitation. Unless even your address on the envelope was typewritten, your host put time and effort into your invitation and you should do the same.
- Find examples of polite declines online if you are not sure what to say, but be sure to change the wording to fit your particular circumstances or manner of speaking.^{[6]
  X
  Research source} Don’t get caught plagiarizing an example you found instead of taking time to write a sincere note.
Advertisement
3
Be honest when giving any explanation(s). If you have another obligation, let him/her know. If you don’t have another obligation, and can’t comfortably explain why you don’t want to go, just politely decline without offering a reason.
- Don’t make up a reason for not attending. It will likely backfire when s/he finds out you lied, even if it was to protect his or her feelings.
- Don’t feel the need to over-explain. For formal invitations, a simple “I’m sorry to have to miss it,” will suffice. ^{[7]
  X
  Research source} If pressed for a reason, you can simply says, “It’s personal.”^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
- Avoid relaying any guilt for needing to skip the event. This only wastes your time and energy and may be negatively accepted by your host.
4
Send a congratulatory note and a gift, if appropriate.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.} For an occasion where a gift might be expected, like a baby or bridal shower, a birthday party, or a special celebration like a wedding or graduation party, send a small and thoughtful gift with a written congratulations after you send your regrets.
- Don’t wait until you can get a gift to send your regrets, though! Let the host know ASAP that you cannot attend, and send a gift and a written card later.
- Don’t feel obligated to buy a gift for someone you don’t know well or aren’t related to. It is up to your own judgment as to whether your invitation warrants a gift.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Declining Informal Invitations

1
Respond in the manner requested. If the event was transmitted by evite, then you can send an email or personal message through social media.^{[11]
X
Research source} If the invitation was written, but on informal stationery, send a card in return. Call when a phone number is given, unless the invitation says texting is ok.
- Even if the option is given on the evite, avoid offering an explanation that all guests can see. It’s much better to simply decline and send a personal message if you feel the need to say why you cannot attend.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}
- If your potential host is a close friend, it is best to tell them you can’t make it in person, if possible, or at least over the phone. Send a written note also, closer to the date of the event, to wish them a happy party.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tami Claytor
  Etiquette Coach
  Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.}
2
Be honest, but also kind. If you just don’t wish to go, be honest and tell the host you aren’t interested in this particular event, but would love to come to other things s/he hosts in the future.
- Avoid agreeing to attend something you really don’t want to attend. It will only disappoint your host more when you are expected and don’t show up, or if you change your response at the last minute.
- It’s ok to not feel guilty for not wanting to attend yet another baby or bridal shower in the spring. Wipe shame from your mind, and respond with a polite decline.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}
3
Offer an alternative time to get together. If you are declining a friend’s birthday party or graduation celebration, wish them a great party and offer an alternative date to celebrate when it’s just the two of you.
- Be sure to offer your sincere disappointment that you cannot attend the original event, and thanks for thinking you were important enough to invite!^{[15]
  X
  Research source}
4
Turn your regrets into a compliment sandwich. This is especially important when turning down informal, but very personal, get-togethers, like a date.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Say, “That is very sweet of you, but I will have to pass. I’d love to do something else though, just as friends.”
- Don’t embarrass your host by telling others about the invitation. Keep it to yourself, just as you would like others to do when you ask them out.
5
Call after the event to ask how it went. If you were invited to a party or event by a close friend, call them afterwards to see how their event went. This gives you a chance to show them you are still thinking about them and happy for their success or accomplishment.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you say no without giving a reason?

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.

Tami Claytor

Etiquette Coach

Expert Answer

Just give a vague explanation without going into extra detail! Simply saying "I have other plans" is a good enough excuse—you're not obligated to give an in-depth explanation.
Question

How do we decline an invitation to Christmas lunch from the parents of our son's girlfriend who ignores us?

Community Answer

First of all, it seems that this may be a good opportunity to work toward a better relationship with your son's girlfriend. However, a "thank you for the kind invitation, but we already have Christmas Day plans" is a perfectly polite and acceptable answer.
Question

How do I decline a request to hang out with someone when I don't like the guy and don't want to hang out but have no good excuse?

Community Answer

You can always just say, "No, thank you, maybe we can hang out another time," but it's also perfectly fine to just say you have other plans even if you don't, as long as you don't think there's any way they'll find out you're lying.