How to Raise a Theybie

Last Updated: December 18, 2022 References

Since around 2018, the term "theybies" – a portmanteau of the neutral pronoun "they" and the word "baby," referring to young children raised as neither boys nor girls – has gained currency, if not quite made it into the mainstream.^{[1]
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Research source}Raising a theybie is like raising any child--except allowing the child to have freedom over their gender expression and gender identity, without forcing gender roles upon them. This article will show you how to raise a theybie.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Understanding Theybies

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Understand what raising a theybie is. Raising a theybie is a gender creative style of parenting. A theybie is a baby who is raised without the gender construct, allowing them to choose their own when the time comes. Instead of the parents deciding on a child's gender, the child decides on their own. Gender-open parenting demonstrates to children that they will be accepted regardless of their gender identity.
- Pushing a child to stay gender-neutral isn't appropriate. When the child expresses a gender, it's important for the parents to accept that.
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Know that raising a theybie isn't inherently harmful. While few parents are raising theybies, no research has been conducted on how this type of parenting affects children. Despite the controversy and claims surrounding theybies, or that raising a theybie is harmful, it is unlikely that a gender-open upbringing will confuse or harm children.^{[2]
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- Children raised in this manner, like their peers, reach their own conclusion about their gender around the age of four.
- Although the child might face struggles with their gender as they grow older, being raised as a theybie likely won't damage them.
- In fact, assigning a gender to your child and teaching them gender-coded lessons for the rest of their lives is far more coercive than what parents who raise theybies do.^{[3]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Raising a Theybie (Early Years Of Childhood)

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Encourage your child to play with a variety of toys. Provide an assortment of toys, such as play kitchens, dolls, and dress-up clothes. Toys from both the girls' and boys' aisles should be present in your child's playroom, such as a dollhouse, a play gym, a bedroom full of stuffed animals, sports balls, building blocks, a doll basket, and so on.^{[4]
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- Toys should not be classified as boy or girl toys. If you raise your child as gender-neutral, this can have an impact on their psychological and physical development. Allow your child to play with a wide range of toys that are not labeled as toys for boys or girls.^{[5]
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Reduce the significance of gender. Assist your children in breaking free from gender stereotypes. You can accomplish this by removing gendered words from your language. For example, replace "What a smart girl you are!" with "What a smart kid you are!"^{[6]
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3
Allow your child to dress in a way they're comfortable with. An important part of raising a theybie is allowing your child to pick their own clothes and express their gender freely. There should also be a variety of clothing options available. Remember that there is no significant meaning behind that piece of cloth or color of fabric; it is simply a way to cover your body at the end of the day, and your child can choose what they feel most comfortable in.^{[7]
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- When shopping, wander between both blue and pink sections. Let the kid find clothes from both if they want.
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Encourage all types of children to play together. It is critical for children to feel at ease playing with other children, as this will prepare them for future relationships at work, at home, and in school. Your child can participate in mixed-gender activities, sports, and playgroups.^{[8]
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Talk about gender stereotypes with your kid. Even if you don't expose them right away, they'll learn as they meet new people and explore different books and shows. Your kid will get exposed to gender, so it's important to help them understand it. Help your kid know that gender doesn't limit people and that not everything they hear will be true. Here are some examples of things you might say:
- "Some people have silly ideas about what boys and girls should be allowed to do. You might hear some of these ideas, but it doesn't mean all of them are true. You can always ask me about it."
- "That's a good question. Yes, women can be doctors. When I get a check-up, I see Dr. Shawarma, and she is a great doctor. Did you hear that idea somewhere?"
- "I know your friend said all boys pee standing up, but that's not quite true. Most of them do, but a few of them don't."
- "Sometimes TV pretends that girls can't be strong like boys. But that's not how it works in real life. Your grandma is a very strong woman. Hmm, what other girls are strong?"
Tip: Don't scold or punish kids for asking silly questions about gender or for voicing things that aren't correct. Kids are curious and they hear incorrect things sometimes. If you make them feel bad, then they won't want to come to you. Instead, help them feel like you're on their side to teach and support them.
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Open your child’s eyes to different people and age-appropriate LGBTQ topics. It's recommends to teach children about different pronouns, read books about the LGBTQ community, attend the Pride Parade, and Introduce your child to different people. Instill in young people the idea that gender is a spectrum and that people experience their gender at various points along the spectrum. All identities are valid and normal.^{[9]
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- As a parent, you should talk to your child about it. Explain that it's good to know about how everyone is different and it helps us be good friends and neighbors.
- Let your child know that you are helping them to know about it because you want them to stay safe and healthy.
- If the kid is older, you can use newspaper stories, online stories, or give examples of family members to tell them about the results of their decisions.^{[10]
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Allow your child to explore and experiment in a safe environment. Let your child explore different activities such as role playing and dressing up. They may express themselves in ways that are or are not typical of their biological gender. Allow them to keep their options open and encourage them in whatever decision they make.^{[11]
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- At some point, your kid may say "I'm a girl" or "I'm a boy." You can ask a question like, "Would you like to be called a 'she' instead of a 'they'?" and then use the pronouns they like.
- Let them be as gender-nonconforming or gender-conforming as they like. The goal is not to push them into a role, but to let them find what makes them happy (even if it's different from what you expected).
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Use gender neutral words when describing your child. Adjectives such as 'good-looking,' 'beautiful,' and 'cute,' rather than gendered words like 'handsome' or 'pretty,' can be used to describe your baby. Instead of focusing on their appearance, you could also compliment them on their personality traits with words like 'strong,"smart,' 'kind,' etc. ^{[12]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Raising a Theybie (Late Years and Adolescence)

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As they grow, follow your child's lead. Keep an eye on the themes as they play, and reflect back what you see in the most neutral way you can. You should give people the freedom to express themselves in a variety of ways. To observe children with the goal of understanding their unique experience, use the acronym "SOUL," which stands for "Silence Observation Understanding Listening."^{[14]
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Focusing on raising your child. A child's gender doesn't have much to do with raising them, besides ignoring gender stereotypes and letting them express themselves however they want to. Raise your child how you would any child--with love, proper discipline, education, and support.
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Respect your kid's chosen gender and pronouns. If your child wants to use different pronouns, a different name, or identify with a different gender, allow them to. They might continue to identify as nonbinary, or use they/them pronouns, while some children choose to identify with another gender.
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Allow them to choose their own career paths and hobbies. A lot of career paths such as construction, plumbing, engineering are gendered as "manly," while jobs such as teaching, nursing, and child care are viewed as "feminine." There have been masculine-identifying nurses and feminine-identifying people as construction workers for decades. Try not to gender any career paths, and let your child choose what kind of job or career they want without labeling it.
- The goal is to let your kid do what they want regardless of gender stereotypes. They shouldn't have to completely reject or embrace things that people of their gender are "supposed" to do.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Dealing with Struggles of Raising a Theybie

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Handle others' criticisms effectively. Parents are always judging other parents, and there appears to be no end in sight, yet, everyone has different styles of raising their child or children. Many parents say hurtful things about others' children or how they are being raised, which can cause conflict or cause an argument to arise. There are numerous, effective ways to respond to people who criticize your style of parenting, including:^{[15]
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- Starting another conversation or changing the subject.
- Think of your child when responding to what they say.
- Don't react at all--simply walk away or keep a straight face as they speak.
- Laugh it off.
- Tell them how you feel--just don't judge their parenting style.
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Help your child with any bullying they face. When people are considered 'different' or anything other than the 'norm', they are often judged. This can be true for children in less-than-accepting schools and clubs.^{[16]
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- All children face difficulties as they grow older. If your child identifies as non-binary or LGBTQ, they may face additional challenges. Be sure to check in with your child — and be on the lookout for signs that they may require additional help.^{[17]
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Have a support system in place. As with anyone raising a child or children, there should be a support system in place to support and help you and your children through tough times. This support system can consist of supportive grandparents of the child, close friends of yours, and other people who understand and support your style of parenting and can provide a safe space for your family.

Community Q&A

Question

I have raised my child as a theybie, and they are currently 9 years old when they have told me that being gay is a sin. I believe they have learned this at school, what do I say?

Nico

Top Answerer

Ask where they learned it from. Tell your child that being gay or identifying as LGBTQ isn't a sin, there's nothing wrong with it, and is just as normal as being heterosexual/straight.
Question

How can I tell my siblings to respect my choice to raise a theybie? They seem perplexed by the idea.

Nico

Top Answerer

Explain that you want to raise your baby in a gender neutral way and want your child to choose how they would like to identify when they get older. You could also mention you would prefer to raise your child and let them make their own choices instead of forcing gender roles and clothing choices based on their sex. If they don’t like the idea of raising a theybie, let them know that the final decision on how to raise the child is yours.
Question

At what stage in my pregnancy should I tell my partner I want to raise our baby as a theybie?

Nico

Top Answerer

It's a good idea to discuss how you want to raise a baby before pregnancy, but if you are already pregnant, discuss raising a theybie with your partner as soon as possible: this can be at any stage of pregnancy.