How to Raise a Transgender Child

When your child comes out as transgender, you might experience a wave of emotions. It might feel overwhelming at times, but it will get easier. No matter what your personal beliefs are about gender identity, you likely want to support your child and make them feel loved. Going through this transition with your child will be difficult at times, but it can bring you closer together.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Supporting Your Child

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    Believe your child when they tell you they’re trans. It may be hard to understand your child’s identity at first, and that’s okay. However, it’s important that your child knows you believe them. Don’t ask them to prove they’re trans, offer reasons why they aren’t trans, or question them about their identity. Instead, listen to what they have to say and tell them you believe them.[1]
    • Say, “Thank you for being open and honest with me about your identity. I want you to always feel comfortable talking to me.”
    • Keep in mind that your child has thought about this enough that they feel ready to talk about it. This is a big risk for them, and shutting them down might make them feel like they have to keep secrets from you.
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    Tell your child that you love and support them no matter what. Your child may be afraid that you’ll reject them, so it’s important that you tell them you love them. This will help your child have an easier transition and will protect your relationship with them.[2]
    • Say, “I love you so much. You’re always going to be my baby, and I’m here for you anytime you need me.”
    EXPERT TIP
    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist

    Your support is the most important thing you can offer. If your child comes out to you as transgender, the best thing you can do is to listen to and believe your child. They may not be interested in or ready for any type of medical transition, so it's okay to go slow and take things step by step.

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    Accept your child’s gender instead of trying to change them. Gender is part of your child’s identity, and you can’t change that. Trying to force your child to be someone they’re not will cause them pain and possibly lifelong damage. While it can be difficult, accept them for who they are and help them live in a way that’s comfortable for them.[3]
    • You might want your child to hide their trans identity because you think life will be easier for them. However, hiding their identity is much more painful than dealing with the obstacles of being trans. In fact, trans youth who are accepted and able to live openly as their true gender typically have fewer mental health issues than those who have to hide their identity.[4]

    Warning: You’ve probably heard of programs that offer “conversion therapy” that promises to change the identity of people who are LGBTQ+. However, these programs aren’t backed by science and do more harm than good. In some cases, they can lead to suicide. Don’t risk your child’s life and happiness by enrolling them in one of these programs.[5]

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    Recognize that your child is still the same person. At first, you might have trouble adjusting to calling your child a different name and using different pronouns. While it might seem like everything is changing, the truth is your child has always had this identity. Instead of seeing this as a loss, celebrate the fact that your child is finally able to share everything with you.[6]
    • Your child will always be a part of your family and will love you the same. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to keep giving them your love and support.
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    Call your child by the name and pronouns they prefer. Your child might keep their old name, or they might choose a new name to reflect their gender identity. Similarly, your child may prefer to be called by the pronouns associated with the gender they identify as, or they might like using “they/them.” Use the name and pronouns your child prefers.[7]
    • When you call your child by their old name, it’s called “deadnaming” them. This is very painful, so don’t do it.
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    Help your child deal with obstacles they face. Trans children deal with the same struggles as other children, as well as problems unique to being trans. They may experience bullying from their peers and adults, and they might feel frustrated about their transition. This experience will likely be hard for both you and your child, but you can help by giving them love and support. Additionally, act as their advocate so they get what they need.[8]
    • Teach your child about being assertive and asking for help when they need it.
    • Make sure your child knows that they’re not to blame for bullying. Help them understand that it’s always the bully’s fault, and they shouldn’t have to change who they are to accommodate someone else.

    Tip: Try using role-playing to help your child learn how to respond to bullying. Ask your child to play the role of bully, then respond in a healthy way. When you think your child is ready, play the role of bully so your child can practice responding. It may help to wear a mask while you act as the bully so your child doesn’t feel like the words are coming from you.

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    Let your child choose when they come out to others. You might feel like you’re being supportive when you tell people about your child’s identity, but this can actually be a scary experience for them. Coming out can be difficult for some people, so give your child the chance to reveal their identity to others. They might choose to do it all at once or in phases.[9]
    • For instance, don’t call your child’s school to tell them your child is trans unless your child asks you to do so.
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    Watch for signs of depression or anxiety. Even with amazing support from you, it’s possible that your child might struggle with mental health issues like depression or anxiety. This is especially true if they’re dealing with a lot of bullying and discrimination from people in their community. Keep a watchful eye on your child so that you can get them help if they need it.[10]
    • Don’t assume that your child will have anxiety and depression just because they’re trans.
    • Signs of anxiety include being restless, trembling, breathing rapidly, feeling tired, having trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, having stomach issues, feeling constantly worried, or avoiding their stressors.[11]
    • Signs of depression include sadness, hopelessness, anger, irritability, loss of interest, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, anxiety, agitation, reduced or excessive appetite, feeling worthless, trouble thinking, and physical symptoms.[12]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Helping Your Child Transition

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    Allow them to wear clothes that reflect their gender. Ask your child what they’d prefer to wear, then help them build a wardrobe that they like. Then, compliment your child when they wear the clothes they like. This shows them that you’re there for them and support their choices.[13]
    • Say, “That print looks great on you! I love seeing you so happy.”
    • If money is an issue, visit thrift shops, garage sales, and clearance racks to look for nice clothes at discount prices.
    EXPERT TIP
    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist

    Consider speaking to the staff at your child's school about your child's preferred gender. Your child may really benefit from being able to express their authentic gender at school through the way they dress and groom, and being able to use a name and pronoun that fits with their gender identity. Sometimes it's necessary to speak with teachers and administrators first to ensure they're educated in gender diversity and are able to create a supportive environment for your child.

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    Take your child to get a haircut if they want one. Your child might like their hair the way it is, so don’t make them get a haircut. However, they might want you to let them get a haircut that matches their true identity. If this is the case, go with them to a salon to get a style that reflects their preferences.[14]
    • Make this a fun experience so your child knows that you’re supportive of their identity.
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    Talk to your child and their doctor about puberty blockers. Puberty blockers delay puberty by suppressing the hormones that cause it. Some trans people don’t want to use puberty blockers, so your child might decide they aren’t right for them. However, puberty blockers may be essential for your child to feel right in their own body. Ask your child about their preferences and talk to a medical professional about your options.[15]
    • Puberty blockers won’t change your child’s biological sex. They only prevent your child from developing the adult physical traits of their biological sex, like breasts for women or a deep voice for men.

    Did You Know? Puberty blockers are reversible, so you don’t need to worry about your child changing their mind later. In the rare event that your child does decide they identify with their assigned gender, they can just stop taking the puberty blockers and puberty will proceed.

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    Follow your child’s lead when it comes to transitioning. Coming out as transgender is a very brave thing to do, even to close family. Since trans can mean something different to different people, allow your child to make choices that are right for them. Let them proceed at their own pace so they’re most comfortable.[16]
    • Don’t make assumptions about what your child wants to wear or do. For example, your trans daughter may still prefer pants over dresses even though she’s told you she’s a girl. Everyone is unique, so your child will have their own idea about what being trans will mean to them.
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    Put away old photos if they make your child uncomfortable. Your child may not like looking at photos of them before they transitioned. Talk to your child about what they’re comfortable with and respect their wishes. If they prefer, put old photos away and display photos that show their true identity.[17]
    • For now, place these photos in a box or computer file for safe-keeping.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Caring for Yourself

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    Talk to a therapist if you’re feeling overwhelmed. You’re probably dealing with a lot of emotions right now. These can include positive emotions like relief and love, but you might also be dealing with fear, confusion, or disappointment. It’s okay to be honest about your emotions so you can work through them. If you’re struggling, see a therapist who can help you process these feelings and do your best to support your child.[18]
    • If you can, see a therapist who has experience with gender-identity issues.
    • Ask your doctor for a referral or search for a therapist online.
    • Your therapy appointments may be covered by insurance, so check your benefits.
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    Get support for yourself to help you be the best parent you can be. Raising a trans child can be hard sometimes, but you don’t have to do this alone. Join a support group for parents of transgender children and use online resources to help you learn more about it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get advice when you need it.[19]
    • Look for support groups online. You may even find a group that meets locally in your area.
    • If you’re attending therapy, ask your therapist about support groups in your area.
    EXPERT TIP
    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Inge Hansen, PsyD

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist

    Our Expert Agrees:' Resources such as GenderSpectrum can be very helpful for you and your family, as can finding a community with other families who have trans kids and, if necessary, a gender-affirmative therapist.

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    Connect with people who are supportive of your child’s transition. One of the most painful parts of parenting a trans child is realizing that people you care about don’t support your child. As painful as this is, you can’t change other people. Surround yourself with people who are supportive of your decision to support your child so that this is easier for you. Additionally, build relationships with people who offer their support.[20]
    • In time, some people will come around and become more supportive. Try not to give up hope.
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    Learn about gender norms to help you understand gender identity. When you identify with the gender assigned to you at birth, it might be hard to understand how someone could be transgender. It may help to learn about gender constructs, such as boys wearing blue and girls wearing pink. These ideas are created by society, and they can vary from place to place. Read about gender norms so you can better understand your child.[21]
    • For example, you might think of dresses and barbies as things that belong to a girl. These are gender norms.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How can I help my transgender child?
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Your support is the most important thing you can offer. If your child comes out to you as transgender, the best thing you can do is to listen to and believe your child. They may not be interested in or ready for any type of medical transition, so it's okay to go slow and take things step by step.
  • Question
    Should I tell my child's school they're transgender?
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If your child is comfortable coming out at school, consider speaking to the staff at your child's school about your child's preferred gender. Your child may really benefit from being able to express their authentic gender at school through the way they dress and groom, and being able to use a name and pronoun that fits with their gender identity. Sometimes it's necessary to speak with teachers and administrators first to ensure they're educated in gender diversity and are able to create a supportive environment for your child.
  • Question
    How can I get support when raising a transgender child?
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Inge Hansen, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Resources such as GenderSpectrum can be very helpful for you and your family, as can finding a community with other families who have trans kids and, if necessary, a gender-affirmative therapist.
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Warnings

  • Never “deadname” your child by calling them their old name or use the incorrect pronouns even if you prefer them. This is really hurtful to your child and can make them feel distrustful of you. If you do it on accident, apologize immediately.[22]
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Don’t treat this like a phase that your child is going through. Accept this as their identity and give them your full support.[23]
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  2. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  4. ↑ http://ww2.kqed.org/stateofhealth/2016/02/25/transgender-children-living-openly-are-doing-well-study-shows/
  5. ↑ https://counseling.northwestern.edu/blog/conversion-therapy-lgbtq-counseling/
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  8. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  1. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961
  3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007
  4. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  5. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  6. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  8. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  11. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201703/strategies-supporting-transgender-child
  13. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
  14. ↑ https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf

About This Article

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Inge Hansen, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise. This article has been viewed 16,302 times.
11 votes - 76%
Co-authors: 13
Updated: July 2, 2022
Views: 16,302
Categories: Friends and Family of LGBT | Raising Children
Article SummaryX

If your child has recently come out as transgender, the best thing you can do is help them feel loved and supported. Let them know that you're there for them no matter what and that you accept their gender. Use the name and pronouns they prefer. This can be a challenging adjustment at first, but try to remember that your child is still the same person. Transgender children experience many of the same obstacles that other children face, but they may also experience problems unique to being trans, like frustration about their transition and bullying from others because of their identity. It's important to be your child's advocate and also to teach them how to be assertive and ask for help when they need it. For more expert advice on how to raise a transgender child, read the full article below.

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