19 Tips to Spice Things up in the Bedroom

Expert advice to bring the magic back into your relationship

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: March 26, 2023 References

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s totally normal for that initial passion to wane over time. Fortunately, rekindling the heat in your relationship is as easy as sending a naughty text or taking a day off of work together. To build anticipation and get turned on by your partner again, read through our list of tips to have a fun, sexy time together.

Things You Should Know

Tease your partner during the day by sending them a sexy text or leaving them notes throughout the house.
Tell each other about your sexual fantasies, and find ways to incorporate them in the bedroom.
Introduce new toys or positions during sex to make things exciting again.
Plan weekly date nights to reconnect and relax together as a couple.

1

Send each other flirty texts or erotic notes.

Exchanging naughty texts and notes will turn both of you on. Tell your partner what you want to do to them later via text, or send them a naughty pic of you. If you two live together, leave your partner short erotic notes in places you know they’ll find them.^{[1]
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- You might text your partner, “I’m wearing your favorite underwear today. I hope you’ll help me take them off.”
- Leave love notes on the mirror, their bedside table, on their steering wheel, or in their briefcase. They might say things like, “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” or “I’ve got a surprise for later.”

2

Talk dirty to your partner in your daily life.

Use dirty talk to build anticipation outside of the bedroom. Make a habit of whispering naughty things to your partner or incorporating references to sex in your daily conversations. This will help you both think about sex more so you anticipate it.^{[2]
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- Say things like, “Those pants make me want to spank you,” or “Good morning, naughty girl.”

3

Tell your lover about your sexual fantasies.

Open up to your partner about what you want so you feel satisfied. Ask them to also share their fantasies with you. Then, talk about the ways you could incorporate your fantasies into your sex life so you both can get excited about it.^{[3]
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- You might say, “I’ve always wanted to be tied up during sex. What about you?” or “I want to pretend you’re a pirate who’s trying to steal my booty.”
- Don’t pressure your partner to do a fantasy that makes them uncomfortable. Similarly, don’t feel like you have to act out something that feels wrong to you. Focus on finding fantasies that you both enjoy, and don’t shame each other for your differences.

4

Go on weekly dates.

Dates help you build intimacy and turn up the heat in your relationship. Take turns planning dates with your partner to experience new things and to create lasting memories together. On your dates, talk and show affection so you both start to anticipate what will happen in the bedroom.^{[4]
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- Share candle-lit dinners, take walks at sunset, and cuddle during a movie.
- Make dinner together for a budget friendly option. Get playful with the food to make it flirty.
- Go on a picnic in the park or on a beach.
- Go to a sporting event or concert.
- Do something active and adventurous like rock climbing, snowboarding, or zip-lining. If it’s winter, go sledding or ice skating.

5

Give your partner a small gift to remind them you care.

Buy your partner a gift to show you’re thinking about them throughout the day. Pick out a thoughtful gift or get something like flowers, chocolate, or lingerie. Hand it to your partner in person or surprise them by sending it to them at work. Your partner will feel special and it will create a tender moment between you.^{[5]
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- Your gift could be something sweet, like a small cake from their favorite bakery, or something naughty, such as a pair of fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold. Get creative!

6

Take a day off together to chase your intuition.

Clear your schedule for a day of relaxing fun with your partner. Arrange a day that both you and your partner will be off from work and free of other responsibilities. Clear your schedules and don't worry about making plans. Then, do the first thing that pops into your mind. Challenge yourself to spend the rest of the day following each gut feeling that you get. Not only will this help build intimacy, but it may even lead to spontaneous sex.^{[6]
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- You might do things like feeding the ducks at the park, having a water gun fight, rearranging the house, or learning to make espresso. It doesn't matter what you do! Just make sure that you're together and trying something different.

7

Surprise your partner by trying something new.

Break out of your routine to make your sex life exciting again. Unfortunately, your routine can make your relationship feel less exciting, which might land you in a rut in the bedroom. Trying new things in your daily life can help you break out of this rut and rebuild intimacy. Do something new and exciting with your partner or surprise them with something special. Here are some ideas you could try:^{[7]
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- Go to a new restaurant.
- Do something special on a weeknight instead of staying home.
- Plan a secret outing to dinner, a movie, a play, or a concert.
- Book a hotel room for a night of passion.

8

Set a romantic mood.

Use candles and music to set the stage for a fun, sexy time. Getting sexually aroused is partly mental, so setting the mood is important. When you want to have sex, make an effort to create a romantic setting. Here are some ways to set a sexy mood:^{[8]
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- Light candles and dim the lights.
- Use a colored light, such as a red bulb.
- Play sexy music, like Marvin Gaye, Al Green, or Usher.
- Sprinkle rose petals around the room.

9

Engage in foreplay to build your excitement.

Foreplay is key to a healthy sex-life for both men and women. Cuddle, touch, and kiss when you’re together to build your intimacy. When you’re getting ready for sex, fondle, caress, and massage your partner. This will build your anticipation before sex.^{[9]
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- Try kissing your partner along their neck, chest, arms, and body.
- Slowly undress each other piece by piece.
- Incorporate foreplay into your regular daily activities to keep things exciting. For instance, squeeze your partner’s butt when you pass them in the kitchen or caress their skin when you’re watching TV together.
EXPERT TIP

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist

Pay attention to see if sex is gratifying to your partner and not you. If this is the case, try integrating things that will gratify you. This is not limited to sex acts that help you orgasm, but it also includes cuddling and talking, more affectionate touch, or any combination of things that help you feel closer to your partner.

10

Whisk your love away on a romantic getaway.

Spend quality time together outside of the house to reconnect as a couple. Quality time is an essential part of a relationship. You need time together to heat things up! Plan a romantic getaway, just you and your partner. Leave your worries behind and focus on rekindling your intimacy and getting frisky.^{[10]
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- If you can afford a fancy trip, spend the weekend in a ski lodge, a cabin by the lake, or the honeymoon suite at a hotel.
- If you don’t have much money, go on a naughty camping trip or switch houses with another couple for the weekend.

11

Enjoy a quickie when you find yourselves alone.

Spontaneous sex is exciting, so look for opportunities to have it when you can. Take advantage of moments when you're alone throughout the day without worrying about what you're supposed to be doing. Just enjoy the quick, intimate moment together.^{[11]
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- For instance, you might have a quickie before you leave for work or during your lunch hour.
- Don’t worry about taking off your clothes. Being partly dressed can make it more exciting. Remove just enough clothes to engage in sex and enjoy the feeling of being naughty with your partner.

12

Stock up on sexy lingerie.

Revealing underwear can add a bit of adventure to your love life. Choose lingerie that you think your partner will find sexy. Then, experiment with different ways of incorporating it into your sex life. Here are some ideas:^{[12]
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- Surprise your partner when they come home.
- Wear your lingerie under your clothes so your partner knows you're interested in getting flirty later.
- Wear your lingerie to bed.
- Dress up as a sexy version of a character your partner likes.
- Take photos of yourself in the lingerie to send to your partner.

13

Leave the bedroom for a sexy romp in a new location.

Try a new setting to make things exciting again. While the bedroom is often the most convenient place to get frisky, you and your partner might get bored with it. Take your lovemaking outside the bedroom to get a new experience. This can make your sex more fun and adventurous. Try one of these places:^{[13]
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- Have sex on the living room table.
- Do it outside if you have a privacy fence.
- Park your car in a secluded location and pretend you’re in high school.
- Public sex can be fun, but always choose a location that’s secluded and quiet. In most cases, it’s illegal to have sex in public, so use caution.

14

Incorporate sex toys into your love making.

Sex toys increase the pleasure for both you and your partner. Go shopping for sex toys that you’re both interested in trying. Then, use them during foreplay or while you’re having sex. You might try:^{[14]
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Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
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- Using handcuffs, rope, or tape to bind each other.
- Blindfolding each other during foreplay.
- Using gags and whips if you both find it exciting.
- Getting a dildo to use during sex.
- Trying anal beads if you’re both into it.
EXPERT TIP

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist

It certainly doesn't hurt if you find more things to help you or your partner orgasm. You two can explore oral sex, manual stimulation, and vibrators. This might or might not be important to either of you, which is why you need to have open conversations that are collaborative.

15

Role play a sexy scenario.

Act out your sexual fantasies with your partner. Choose characters or a scenario that appeals to both you and your partner. Then, act out a sexy situation that turns you both on, and don’t forget to dress up for your part. Try these common scenarios if you’re not sure where to start:^{[15]
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- Hot wife watching
- Pornstar wife
- Doctor and patient
- Cop and robber
- Maid and homeowner
- Pizza delivery person and homeowner

16

Incorporate food into your lovemaking.

Sensuality includes your sense of taste. Add taste to your sexual experiences with food, including desserts, edible lotions, and even edible clothing accessories. Target foods that are known aphrodisiacs, like oysters and chocolate. Include food in your sex-play by feeding each other or licking it off each other.^{[16]
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- Drizzle chocolate onto each other or lick off whipped cream.
- Feed each other grapes or strawberries.
- Use edible lotions, undergarments, or frostings to make oral sex more exciting.

17

Watch porn together.

Use adult videos to get new ideas and have some fun together. Some people find adult movies to be exciting and also helpful for new ideas. Find porn for free online using sites like PornHub. Take turns choosing porn that you think both of you will like.^{[17]
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- For instance, watch a porn that presents a scenario that you both find exciting, such as delivery driver and bored package recipient.
- Respect your partner if they don’t want to watch porn. If you aren’t both into it, porn can hurt your relationship instead of helping it.
- Remember that porn is generally not meant to be realistic, so don't feel the need to "paint by the numbers."

18

Play a sex game to make things more exciting.

Use games to push you out of your comfort zone. Struggling to come up with new ideas together? Use a sex game to explore new kinks and positions. Here are some ideas for you to choose from:^{[18]
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- Dice game: Buy a pair of sex dice or assign a meaning to each side of a regular dice. Then, roll the dice to see what you have to do to your partner. For instance, 1 might represent kissing, 2 might mean licking your partner's nipples, etc.
- Hide and seek with candies: Take turns playing hide and seek with small candies. For instance, blindfold your partner, then have them use their mouth to seek 3 Hershey kisses that you hid on your body.
- Play strip poker: Strip off a piece of clothing every time you lose a hand. Loser has to initiate sex.

19

Explore light kink if you both want to try it.

Try something new in the bedroom to rev both of your engines. If you both think it sounds fun, try light bondage, blindfolds, or whips. Shop for items together, then decide how you’ll experiment in the bedroom. Additionally, make sure you have a safe word.^{[19]
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- For instance, you might blindfold your partner, then lead them into a different area. Next, you might sit them down in a chair and touch their skin with different objects, like an ice cube, fork tines, and warm candle wax.
- Always have a safeword in place that either you or your partner can say to stop at any time. For instance, you might say “Red light” if you want to stop, or “Yellow light” if you just need to take a pause.