How to Spot a Player

Last Updated: January 20, 2023 References Approved

Dating a player usually ends in heartache, but spotting a player before you get attached to him can be difficult. By closely watching the way he behaves in both private and in public settings, however, you might be able to pick up on some of the signs.

Part 1

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Part One: General Characteristics

1
Watch out for over-confidence. Healthy self-confidence is great, but there's a difference between being confident and being cocky.^{[1]
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Research source} If you think this guy seems a little too confident in his efforts to win you over, it could be because he's had plenty of practice.
- Most people become at least a little nervous around people they're attracted to. A confident guy isn't necessarily a player, but if he doesn't break a sweat while asking you out or seems rather aloof about the whole deal, he might not be that serious about you.
2
Calculate the age gap. If the man is old enough to be your father, it could be a bad sign. Older players who are set in their ways frequently target younger, less experienced women who are easier to trick.
- Not every older man is a player, of course, but if there's a huge age gap and he exhibits other signs of being a player, that age gap may work against him.
- Similarly, not every player is an older man. There are plenty of young players out in the world, too.
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3
Glance at the phone. When he's texting someone, lean in his direction and peek at his phone. You don't even need to see the screen; in fact, you'll learn more by keeping your eyes on him. If the guy's a player, he'll probably yank his phone away faster than you can blink.^{[2]
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- Moreover, if he's always on his phone or looks at it more than he looks at you, that could be another bad sign.
- This piece of advice isn't an invitation to swipe his phone and look at his call log, though. Many people view that as an invasion of privacy, and even guys who aren't players might get upset at the breach of trust. You usually won't need his text or call history as evidence, anyway, since being overprotective of his phone is a bad enough sign on its own.
4
Track him down.^{[3]
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Research source} Pay attention to the places he frequents when you're not around. If he still visits the same spots he went to when he was single and picking up women, there's a good chance that he's still in the habit of charming the ladies there.
- This does not mean that you should stalk him. A healthier way to find out where he's going is ask around and find out who might've seen him and where he was when it happened. You could also try visiting the spot you met him on an evening he might be there.

Part 2

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Part Two: Conversational Cues

1
Beware of flattery. Honest compliments are sweet, but you probably shouldn't trust someone who's quick to flatter you to an excessive degree. Players often rely on this sort of “sweet talk” to win over women.^{[4]
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- Pay attention to the types of compliments he gives you. If they're general, overused compliments that could apply to nearly any woman—beautiful hair, gorgeous smile, etc.—it could be a sign that he isn't putting much thought into who you are and what makes you special. You should also be cautious around men who specifically compliment your insecurities.
- Similarly, most players are quick to address you with one or more pet names, like “honey,” “sugar,” and “baby.” Pet names that develop after an extended relationship are usually okay, but be wary around guys who use pet names from day one.
2
Don't dismiss dishonesty. Players are also liars. Catching him in the middle of a lie can be difficult, but when you do, you shouldn't shrug it off. This is especially true if he's lied to you more than once.
- Lies about his past, where he spent time recently, or who he's been with are some of the most common ones to watch out for.
- If you're suspicious about something and confront him about it, watch his reaction. Players will generally try to laugh it off and change the topic. When that doesn't work, they may admit to the truth but somehow blame you for their lie.^{[5]
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3
Consider the player's life story. Most players are egotistical, so they'll start talking about themselves before you even have the chance to ask. If a guy hasn't shared much about his own life, though, ask him about it and watch for inconsistencies.^{[6]
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- Everyone wants to look good in front of someone they're attracted to, but the player will usually look a little too good. If his life story seems scripted and too good to be true, it probably is.
- Pay attention to the details. If some of the details don't match up, it could be an indication that he's lying about who he is.
4
Share your own story. Since most players are overly concerned with themselves, they don't have much time to be concerned with other people. A guy who is genuinely interested in you will want to know about your life and your passions, but a player won't take the time to find out.^{[7]
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- Skilled players may know well enough to ask about your life, but won't be interested enough to remember what you say. Bring up things you've talked about in past conversations. It's probably fine if he occasionally forgets about small details, but it's usually a bad sign if he makes a habit of forgetting.
5
Talk about past relationships. Ask about his past relationships and talk about yours. These conversations provide the player with opportunities to manipulate your feelings.
- He may ask about your past relationships and fixate on the insecurities you felt during those times. By knowing what makes you insecure, he can figure out how to work that to his advantage.
- When talking about his own past relationships, he may leave out many of the details but stress that he's been hurt in the past. A quick mention of past hurts may not be bad, but if he plays it up to evoke pity from you, it may be another manipulation tactic.
6
Defend your own innocence. Players will often accuse the women they're seeing of cheating on them. Usually, this is done in an attempt to steer the attention away from their own guilt and their own cheating ways.

Part 3

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Part Three: “Quality” Time

1
Value your own time. Pay attention to how the guy asks you out and how he responds when you invite him. Good guys will value your time, but a player won't.
- Players usually ask you out on short notice. Since they aren't genuinely looking forward to seeing you, they turn you into a backup plan and ask you out only when they don't have anything “better” lined up for an evening.
- If you always get a “maybe” from the guy when you ask him out, it could mean that he doesn't want to commit in case another, more preferable offer comes up. A man who frequently cancels last-minute might do so for similar reasons.
2
Avoid hot-and-cold behavior. Players are inconsistent in their affections and may sway from one extreme to the other. You may not hear from him in weeks, and then suddenly, he'll start bombarding you with more attention than you can handle.^{[8]
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- During “cold” periods, there's a good chance that he's spending his time with other women and is too busy with them to bother with you.
- During his “hot” periods, he's either lost his other options or lost interest in them. As a result, he returns to you in an effort to fill the void.
3
Change up your meeting place. If the two of you always meet at night, try asking him for a daytime date. Most players will strongly resist and reject the idea, and the excuses they give for doing so are usually pretty lame.
- If you can't change the time of the date, try changing the nature of it. Instead of spending time alone or going out for drinks, go somewhere with plenty of people and very little alcohol. The guy's odds of getting you into bed will decrease when you do this, so if he's a player, he won't be willing to make the change.
4
Maintain eye contact. Try to maintain eye contact when you're together in a public venue. Your eyes don't need to be locked the entire time, but his eyes should be directed your way for most of the date.^{[9]
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- Note that the occasional wandering eye may not be a terrible sign, but if his eyes are constantly wandering toward other people, there's a problem. Similarly, a wandering eye that remains stuck on another woman is also a bad sign.
5
Move slowly. A player only cares about your body—and, more precisely, whether or not he gets to enjoy it. One of the best ways to weed out the players is to take things slow with every guy you meet. Players won't have the patience to stick around.^{[10]
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Part 4

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Part Four: Court of Public Opinion

1
Take it public. If you're in a relationship with a player, you're probably not the only woman he's seeing. Making your relationship public will make it easier for his lies to be exposed to both you and the other women, and for that reason, he'll usually reject the idea of being public about it.
- The way he treats you in public will be one good indication. If he refuses to treat you with any special affection or treats you just as affectionately as other women, it might be his way of keeping your relationship a secret. To that end, he might also avoid spending time with you in certain places if he thinks there's a better chance of being caught there.
- Check social media accounts, too. If he refuses to be “friends” or “followers” with you, or if he never responds to any public comments you make toward him, it could be a sign that he's trying to hide your relationship. Refusing to update his “relationship status” might be another social media clue.
2
Get to know the friends.^{[11]
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Research source} Try to spend time with his friends. Most players won't want you anywhere near their friends, and it won't be because they're afraid of another man stealing you away.
- If he lets you meet his friends, he takes the risk that someone within the group will slip and reveal information about his true self.
- If you do meet his friends, watch his behavior around them. Some players will drop their guard and show their true colors when they're hanging around their buddies.
3
Introduce your own family and friends. Invite him to meet your friends and family. Since a player isn't serious about you, he will usually refuse such offers or make excuses to get out of them at the last minute.
- Moreover, friends and relatives with a keen eye might be able to spot a player when they see one. A player who agrees to meet your loved ones would have to take the risk of being discovered by someone like that.
4
Ask for opinions. Ask around about the guy and find out if there are any rumors about him. People in his own social circle might cover for him, but anyone who isn't attached to him won't have a need to do so.
- Ask your close friends to do their own investigating on your behalf, as well. They probably have a few connections you don't have, and one of those connections might have helpful information.
- You could even consider talking with the guy's ex-girlfriends, but do so with caution. Some exes will intentionally paint a bad picture as an act of revenge. Additionally, an ex-girlfriend who believes that you “stole” the guy away from her may take out her negative feelings on you.
5
Watch how others are treated. Players lack respect for you, but that's because they lack respect for everyone. It can be difficult to tell when a guy is disrespecting you, but it'll probably be easier to detect disrespect he shows toward others.
- Pay particular attention to the way he treats and talks about other women. Even disrespect he shows toward female relatives can indicate an overall sense of disrespect toward women in general.
- Watch how he treats workers at the places you visit, too. Players may relish in the authority they have over these staff members.

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Question

How do you tell if he's genuine or a player?

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.

Maya Diamond, MA

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

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Players are typically only looking for a good time and not genuine connection. If you notice they're giving lots of compliments or getting physically close, but they're not asking you questions about yourself or engaging in conversation, you might be dealing with a player. These types of people are not focused on taking relationships to another level and simply just want to have fun.