How to Start a Breakup Conversation

Co-authored by Lauren Sanders and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: February 10, 2023

Mustering up the courage to start a breakup conversation takes guts. We're here to walk you through exactly what to say in a way that's truthful and clear but also kind and respectful. With our guidance, you'll be able to approach the topic with ease—you can do this. Keep reading to learn what you can say to start a breakup conversation and why you should say it.

1

Let your significant other know you want to talk to them.

"Hey, we need to talk." Hearing this phrase will immediately tell them "something's wrong" or "something's not working out." A simple and straightforward sentence like this lets them know that what you're about to say is serious and requires their undivided attention.^{[1]
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Research source} Here are some other phrases you can try:
- "I want to talk to you about our relationship."
- "Can we meet up tonight? There's something I need to tell you in person."
- Use one of these conversation starters in person or via text. Either way, the other party will know that you have something urgent you want to discuss.

2

Tell them gently that things aren’t working.

"This relationship isn't really working." You're breaking up with this person for a reason. Even though you don't necessarily have to tell them everything, it's important to tell the truth. This conversation starter opens the floor for you to gently explain why you want to break up without outwardly blaming them.^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} You can also try these similar phrases:
- "I don't think this is working out."
- "I care about you, but I don't think we're a good match."
- Choose your words carefully and focus on "I" statements. This will help you address your feelings and avoid pointing fingers.

3

Explain what's on your mind.

"My heart isn't in this relationship anymore." An open and honest starter can lessen the breakup's toll. When you're breaking up with someone, try to steer clear of cliches like "It's not you, it's me." Statements like this can actually hurt the other party more, as they're left wondering what went wrong. Instead, be truthful about your feelings and let them know what's going on.^{[3]
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Research source}
- Another way you could say this could be, "I don't have romantic feelings for you, and I wanted you to know."
- Try to keep excuses and condescending language out of the conversation.
- This way, you can both leave the conversation and relationship without any question or lingering resentment.

4

Voice your concerns about the relationship.

"I feel like we have a hard time communicating." This "I" statement can help them process the breakup. Starting a conversation with this phrase is a respectful way to get the ball moving while voicing your concerns. By putting your thoughts and feelings out there, there'll be no question as to why you want to break up.^{[4]
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Research source} Some alternative ways to say this are:
- "I want to be a bigger priority to someone I'm in a relationship with."
- "I need to feel secure in a relationship."
- Being upfront about your concerns without being accusatory is one of the nicest things you can do during a breakup.

5

Be kind but direct.

"I don't think we're a good fit for each other." Using "I" statements and choosing your words carefully can help you create an easy-going conversation that doesn't put anybody down.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} You could also say:
- "I don't see this relationship going any further."
- "I think we're moving in different directions."
- Practice what you'd like to say during the breakup in front of a mirror. This can help you find the right words and ease your nerves.

6

State that you’re ending the relationship

"I think it would be best if we ended the relationship." You've made your decision, and it may be best to just go for it. Sometimes saying what you want right away can take all that weight off your shoulders. Just remember to be kind and respectful once you've put your feelings out in the open. It may take them a while to process everything, and that's okay.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} You should offer positive comments regarding your relationship and ensure the break up doesn't occur during or after a heated argument.
- You can also try saying something along the lines of, "I think we need to break up."
- Consider planning something close to when you want to break up. Having a deadline can help you avoid a dragged out conversation where you repeat what you've said over and over again.^{[7]
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  Research source}
- Ask a friend to text or call you after 30 minutes to aid in your excuse to end the conversation.

Breakup Conversation Starters

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it OK to break up over a phone call?

Lauren Sanders
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Lauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.

Lauren Sanders

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

If there are safety issues involved or the other person lives far away, you could break up with her via phone or text, but that's not usually the best approach.
Question

Is it better to break up or ghost?

Lauren Sanders
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Lauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.

Lauren Sanders

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Please, make sure you do not ghost the person as your way of breaking up with them. This is extremely cold-hearted and inconsiderate.