How to Stay Married to an Attorney

Ask your spouse to turn off lawyer mode. A good attorney is trained to hide emotions, never admit she's wrong, and attack any hole in the opposing argument. If any of this sounds like what your spouse does during a domestic argument or a dinner conversation, she's having trouble leaving that training at work or law school. Pick a moment when both of you are calm, and talk to her about this. Here are some polite ways to bring up issues:

• "When you're stressed at work, you come back in 'lawyer mode.' If you can just be part of the family while you're at home, we would both have an easier time."
• "When we fight, you sometimes argue like you're in a courtroom. Remember that at home, the goal is often to compromise or to find out what's really bothering us, not to win the fight."
• "Sometimes I'm emotionally vulnerable, and I need my spouse to understand that and support me. Using another person's emotions as leverage might be a good attorney tactic, but I know you don't want to fall into that pattern at home."

Talk about the issue in more depth. If your spouse doesn't accept that he's in lawyer mode – or worse, tries to cross-examine you on why you think that – back up and explain what you're looking for in a spouse and conversation partner. If you knew your spouse before he started practicing law or working in a stressful environment, remind him of early moments that demonstrate the behavior you're looking for. Here are a few reminders that people in "lawyer mode" often need to hear:

• It's okay to doubt your position or your decision, and to tell each other about these doubts to get advice and support.
• People in a relationship should trust each other to protect and comfort each other, not be on guard or suspicious of each other. A relationship is about cooperation, not competition.
• You don't need to examine conversations or events from a serious, logical perspective. A complaint about your spouse's day is really looking for affirmation and support, not a method for solving the problem or a logical reason why there's no reason to be upset.

Brainstorm ways to reduce pressure. Law students and lawyers at big firms often work insanely long hours, many of which may not even be billable. This high stress, competitive, often hostile environment takes its total on emotional well-being, and requires effort from both you and your spouse to mitigate this. Have a conversation about changes you can make that can help your spouse cope, and prevent it affecting your relationship. Consider the following options:

• Give your spouse time alone to unwind after she gets back from work, or at least have a policy of "no work talk in the first hour at home" – which includes your work as well.
• If domestic chores are an issue and you can afford it, hire someone to help out around the house and/or garden.^[1]
• Ask your spouse to let you know when she expects a tough time at work, such as when she's litigating a big case or falling short of her billable hours goal. Agree to go easy on her during these times. (And have her reciprocate when you have your own stressful days.)

Suggest coping strategies. Attorneys are short on time, but putting work ahead of marriage, family, and personal time can lead to more stress and unhappiness. Here are a few items your spouse should consider to restore this balance:^[2]

• Learn to prioritize your relationship and emotional health over non-time-sensitive work, and over less important activities.
• Recognize that mistakes are part of life and opportunities for learning, not disasters.
• Practice setting realistic and obtainable goals, based on how you've previously handled similar situations. Don't jump at a larger workload without first considering the effect on your life.
• Schedule time to relieve stress and treat it as just as important as your scheduled work time. Depending on what works for you, this could be exercising, socializing, picking up a fun hobby, or spending time with your spouse.

Recommend professional counselling. Law practice has one of the worst rates of depression and anxiety disorders among all professions, but lawyers often have trouble admitting to these issues or connecting them to their work.^[3] A personal therapist or a marriage counsellor could help identify whether your spouse is depressed, and suggest ways and methods for overcoming the problem. While counselling is highly individual, there are some issues that are more highly correlated with lawyers than the general population, which are worth discussing with a professional:^[4]

• A pessimistic or fatalistic attitude
• Not enough ability to make decisions or control one's life
• Guilt over not spending time with the family (especially among female lawyers)^[5]
• Excessive use of alcohol or illegal drugs

Talk about moving to less stressful law work. If your marriage is falling apart, and marriage counselling doesn't give you the tools to strengthen it, you and your spouse face a difficult decision. If the attorney's work is a major source of stress and disagreement, have an honest talk about the following options:^[6]

• Some areas of law are less stressful and competitive than others. Could your spouse consider specializing in intellectual property, internet, estate planning, employment law, environmental law, immigration, health care, bankruptcy, or in representing educational institutions, students, or the elderly?
• Small firms and government firms tend to be less stressful than large private ones, while solo practice is even better. Solo practices are easiest to establish in rural areas, and/or if you rent a desk or office from an existing law firm, accounting firm, or insurance brokerage.
• Non-attorney workers that will still make good use of law education include magistrates, court commissioners, agents for artists and athletes, alternative dispute resolution mediators, PR representatives, legal instructors, law librarians, and many others.