How to Stop Complaining About Your Relationship and Fix Things Instead

Co-authored by Kate Dreyfus

Last Updated: January 7, 2023 References

It's one thing to make the occasional complaint, but quite another to keep complaining long-term. Relationships can break under constant complaining, so learn how to life yourself up and out of what is essentially a bad habit. It is a lot more constructive to attempt to fix the situation than to complain about your relationship troubles to the point where you begin to irritate people.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Complaining Less

1
Understand that only your family and close friends are interested in your problems. Acquaintances and coworkers generally aren't good audiences. Your loved ones are usually happy to hear about what's going on with you, as long as every conversation doesn't get sucked into the realm of your issues. Remember, they also have their own lives and struggles.
- Constant complaining about your problems can cause you to come off as immature and whiny.
2
Recognize that too much complaining isn't productive. Venting can help you feel better, but going on constant rants hinders your ability to move forwards.^{[1]
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3
Complain less, and ask for advice more.^{[2]
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Research source} Moaning about your relationship may make you feel better, but it only is useful in small doses. Focus on turning your talk into something more productive: explain the problem as calmly as you can, and ask your loved one how to respond to the situation well. Listen closely to their response.
- "Jake and I are having some issues with our schedules. Is now a good time to talk about it? I could really use some advice."
- "I feel really frustrated and confused. How do you think I should handle this?"
- "I'm having trouble with Rebecca. Would this be a good time to ask for your advice?"
4
Catch yourself when you start ranting. If you notice that you've been going on for a while, without letting your conversation partner get in many words, stop. Take a deep breath and give the other person a chance to speak. They may welcome a shift in conversation, or they may ask you to keep going (in which case you're in the clear).
- "I'm sorry, I'm going on and on about my relationship problems, aren't I?"
- "I realize I've been doing most of the talking since we met up. What's going on with you?"
- "Sorry, I realized I kind of commandeered the situation. You were telling me about your job."
5
Work on listening more. Listening is an incredibly important life skill, and listening to your loved ones can improve your relationship. Pay close attention to them and focus on what they have to say.^{[3]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Adjusting Your Attitude

1
Help yourself—only you are in a position to do this. Especially when it comes to relationships, you are at the steering wheel of your own choices. It is important to use good judgment, think it through, and make thoughtful decisions when coping with relationship troubles.^{[4]
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- While getting advice can be helpful, remember that you are the one who understands the situation best, because you're the one experiencing it. You know your relationship best, so at the end of the day, it's important to use your own judgment.
2
Meditate. Go to a quiet and empty room, and make yourself as comfortable as possible. When you are overwhelmed with millions of thoughts, you need space and time to think. Meditating helps at this point.^{[5]
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- Light up some candles and close your eyes.
- Relax and clear your mind. If clearing your mind is too difficult, focus on one thought or one word and keep repeating that thought (make sure it's a positive one).
- After five minutes, you'll notice your breathing getting slower and slower, which is a good thing.
- Meditate for five more minutes and then slowly, open your eyes. Has it helped?
3
Choose a time to reflect when you are calm and thoughtful. When reflecting on your relationship, you want to be examining it from a distance, when your emotions are under control. This will help you make the best decisions.
4
Try to think about the ideal resolution for your problem(s). What exactly could your partner do to make it all better? What would be the best outcome? What, specifically, are you looking for? It's important to know what you want. Otherwise, you may never get it.
- When you imagine the perfect solution, don't forget to check with yourself what seems fair and realistic.
- Think what you could do to get this solution. Do you need to have a conversation? Is there something in your behavior you could change to help?
- Consider just asking plainly for what you want. Sometimes, your partner doesn't know what you want or doesn't recognize how important it is. Maybe you just need to speak up.
5
Create a love-hate list about your relationship. Once you're feeling peaceful, grab a notebook and write a list of the things that are troubling you in your relationship. On the next page, write the things that you love about your relationship. Let it all out on paper. Seeing and reading your feelings can help you understand them better.
- Keep this notebook. You can use it to vent in writing instead of constantly running off to other people.
6
Use your love-hate list to help you decide what's more important. Look at both of the pages and decide. Depending on the situation in your relationship, think. What is more important to you? How can your life be better? Is your relationship worth the work, or should you just end it? Make sure your decision is wise and final.
- If the hate list is too big, it's okay to end things. Staying in a bad relationship won't help your happiness, and breaking up is rough, but you'll be happier in the end. Congratulate yourself for making a thoughtful choice.
- If the love list wins, then this isn't an easy choice either. You'll go through hard times with your partner and life won't always be rainbows and butterflies. But in the end, you'll look at them, recognize how much you love each other, and know that it's worth it.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving the Relationship

1
Remind yourself why you love them so much. Think about the wonderful things they've done for you, the things about their personality that you adore, "your" song, and how you felt when you first got together. How did it feel to be newly in love? You can still have that spark.
- Try to show genuine interest in the other person’s interests. Not only inquiry about it and dig deep, but also participate in what lights them up! It always feels good knowing someone cares about what you love, and this can rekindle some kind of fire in the relationship.
2
Tell your partner about how you feel. Expressing your emotions is important, and your partner needs to know about your feelings! Work on being clear in the moment, so that your partner understands your emotions and ideas. This will help your relationship in the long run.^{[6]
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- Try the script "When ______, I feel ______." For example, "When you stay late at the office without calling to let me know, I feel worried and unimportant."
- Do your best to practice vulnerable intimacy in how you feel about them whenever possible.
3
Tell them what you want from them. Sometimes people struggle to figure out what you want. They might not always be able to interpret hints or remember the right details. Don't set them up to fail. Instead, clearly state what you would like. Here are some examples:
- "My family has always gone big for birthdays. It's a way we show love. Would you be willing to make some plans to make my birthday special? Just like I do for you and the kids."
- "Could you please stop making comments about my body hair? I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but it's starting to make me feel insecure. I'd appreciate if you dropped it."
- "When I bring up problems, I usually just need to vent and feel heard first. Would you be willing to sympathize with me first until I say I'm ready for your advice?"
- "If it's 5:15 and you're still not out the door, please text me so I know you're working late."
Tip: "If they really loved me, they'd read my mind" is not sound reasoning. Confusion is not uncaring, it's just confusion. Be clear. Being psychic isn't an indicator of love. Instead, see how they listen and act once you've expressed yourself clearly and sincerely.
4
Listen closely to your partner's feelings. Just as your feelings are important for your partner to understand, you need to understand how your partner feels. Let them speak uninterrupted, and make sure that you are listening to them, not just waiting for your turn to talk.^{[7]
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5
Give yourself a "time out" if you're getting too upset. Disagreements happen, and you may find your temper on the rise. Rather than saying something you'll regret, suggest a fifteen-minute break. Use this time to calm down and remember that even though you disagree, you still love your partner and don't want to fight.^{[8]
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- Try taking time to do something else that calms you, like taking a walk or playing with a pet.
6
Make up after an argument. Call over your partner when you're both in a better mood, hold their hand, look into their eyes, and smile. This eases the atmosphere and lets them know that everything can be fine.^{[9]
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- Apologize for your part of the argument, and take time to listen to and validate how they feel. If they see you nodding and listening, they'll be more open to working together to fix the problem.
7
Be silly together. Pull your partner off the couch to dance to your song, cook them something, watch a movie and make popcorn, laugh together, and have fun.
8
Experience new things as a couple. If you ever worry that your relationship is falling into a rut, it's time to go out and do something. Visit the beach, mall, aquarium, library, national park, or any place the two of you could have fun together. Go to a new restaurant or museum. See new places: other countries, other cities, or just a grassy hill where you can have a picnic. These are experiences the two of you will treasure all your lives.
9
Remember that love is more than a feeling—it is an action. Perform acts of love on a daily basis, whether it's as small as doing the dishes or as large as planning a surprise getaway. Show your partner how much you love them, so there is never any doubt in their eyes. This is how a relationship will last.^{[10]
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Community Q&A

Question

How do I tell when my boyfriend is not interested in me anymore?

Luna Rose

Top Answerer

Sometimes, people grow apart, including in romantic relationships. When a guy loses interest, he may become less communicative, less attentive, and less open. If you think something is going on, it may be worth asking a friend for advice, and maybe asking your boyfriend why he's been so distant. Check out Tell When a Guy is No Longer Interested in You for more details.

Warnings

Agonizing and over-analyzing a situation is generally unhelpful, and may lead you to wrong ideas. If this happens, it's time to get outside and focus on something else for a while.

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This will not fix abusive relationships. If your partner does not truly care about your feelings, then no amount of kindness or love will make them treat you better. The best way to handle an abusive partner is to dump them and get help for yourself.^{[11]
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