How to Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams

Co-authored by Luis Congdon

Last Updated: December 7, 2021 References

Getting over the girl of your dreams is painful and difficult, no matter how long your relationship lasted. You don’t have to face this alone, though. We’re here to help you find healthy ways to distance yourself from her. If you’re still having some trouble moving on, we’ve got you covered—keep reading some healthy, productive tips on how you can learn to cope, recover, and ultimately move on. Here are 16 ideas to help with the healing process.

1

Cut off contact with her as much as possible.

Distance is key to getting over the girl of your dreams. When you’re trying to stop thinking about her, avoid calling, texting, or seeing her as much as possible. Although the idea of being friends may seem appealing, staying in contact will likely prolong your feelings and can compromise your emotional well-being.^{[1]
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- Let her know that you will be blocking or removing them from your phone and any social media. You could say you’re doing this because you want to create distance between her and don't want to keep reading her posts.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- If you live close to each other, try to avoid being in the same place as much as possible. For example, if you know she likes to grocery shop on Saturday, plan to do your shopping on Sunday.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- If you have mutual friends, ask your friends to plan time to hang out with you separately until your feelings for her have subsided.

2

Refrain from checking her social media accounts.

Keeping tabs on her won’t help you heal. Instead, checking her Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram accounts will only bring her to the forefront of your mind and make it harder to stop thinking about her.^{[4]
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- Most social media platforms allow you to block someone from showing up on your feed without having to unfollow them. That way, you won’t have to see her posts every time you check your feed without appearing jealous or bitter by unfollowing her.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}

3

Get rid of things that remind you of her.

This is a great way to create some distance from her. Wherever possible, try to get rid of or put away the mementos that make you think of the girl of your dreams.^{[6]
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Research source} While you likely won’t want to get rid of an expensive television you bought together, for example, it will be helpful to put away knick-knacks from a trip you took together, or the scarf she left at your house. This will help you create a space that’s free of reminders of her so you can start to move on.
- This is particularly important with gifts that she’s given you, as these will surely continue to bring her to the forefront of your mind.
- If you have any framed photos of you together, put these away as well. These will only serve as a reminder of the good times, which can make you forget about the real reasons it didn’t work out over time.

4

Remove any photos and texts from your smartphone and computer.

Digital reminders are just as painful as physical ones. While you may have some hand-written letters and printed photos, in this day and age, it’s likely that most are stored on your smartphone or computer. Having these reminders with you at all times will just give you more opportunities to reminisce about happier times, which can prevent you from getting over her.^{[7]
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- If you don’t want to remove all her photos and texts entirely, try creating a folder on your computer and putting it on an external hard drive. That way, these memories won’t be readily available, but you won’t have to get rid of them entirely.

5

Tell her to give you space if she still contacts you.

Staying in touch with her won’t help you heal or move on. If the girl of your dreams breaks your heart but still tries to be friends, try not to read too much into this and hope that it means she’s changed her mind. Instead, tell her that while you appreciate her efforts, you’re still hurt and need her to stop contacting you until the pain subsides. She may not realize how painful her continued contact is for you, or that it’s giving you false hope.^{[8]
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Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- If you allow her to continue to contact you, this can also lead you to waste time overanalyzing everything she says or does.^{[9]
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6

Accept that it’s not going to work out.

It can be tempting to continue to hold out hope rather than face the pain. While this may seem easier, it may make the pain worse in the long run and waste time you could spend working on yourself and, eventually, meeting someone else.^{[10]
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- Once you fully accept that it’s not going to work out, you’ll likely realize that you don’t want to be with someone who didn’t love you back.

7

Write down a list of why it didn’t work out.

It’s important to put your relationship into perspective. When you’re having a hard time getting over the girl you love, you may find that you put her on a pedestal by only focusing on the good things about her and the relationship. By writing down a list of the reasons it didn’t work out, you’ll be forced to be honest with yourself about who she is and what the relationship was actually like.^{[11]
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- This will help you be more realistic about the relationship and start to let go of the fantasy.^{[12]
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8

Believe her explanation for why it didn’t work out.

Second-guessing yourself and the relationship won’t do you any good. When you’re heartbroken, you could spend months of your life wondering whether the relationship would’ve worked out if you’d done something different. Rather than spending time wondering and prolonging your heartbreak, try to accept her explanation for why the relationship didn’t work.^{[13]
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- If she told you that she wants to focus on her career, for example, accept that this is the reason you aren’t together – not that you aren’t good enough or that you did anything wrong.

9

Confide in your friends about your heartbreak.

You’ll likely feel better when you tell your friends what you’re going through. Even your toughest friends have likely experienced heartbreak before, and may surprise you with the helpful advice they are able to give you.^{[14]
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- Speaking to your close friends about your breakup can provide you with emotional support and it allows you to mourn your loss so that you can eventually heal and move on.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Once they know that you’re trying to get over a breakup, your friends will likely do what they can to get your spirits up. Planning fun activities with your friends will help keep your mind off her and realize that you don’t need to be with her to enjoy your life.

10

Stop comparing yourself to other people she dates.

Comparing yourself to her future dates will only make it harder to move on. While it’s completely understandable that her new relationship may make you upset, try to avoid comparing yourself to her new love. This will only make you feel worse about yourself and increase the amount of time you spend thinking about her.^{[16]
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- If you run into her or any of her friends, avoid saying anything negative about her or her new relationship. This will just come off as jealousy and will make her even less likely to want to be a part of your life.^{[17]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}

11

Watch movies about people who get over someone they love.

Swingers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Legally Blonde are all great options. While these types of movies may not magically help you get over the girl of your dreams and stop loving her overnight, watching films that focus on how people got over heartbreak may give you ideas about how to move on. There are hundreds of movies that deal with heartbreak, so you’ll likely be able to find several that you’ll enjoy that will make you feel more positively about a future without her.^{[18]
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12

Focus on achieving short-term goals that matter to you.

This is a great way to distract yourself from your heartbreak.^{[19]
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Research source} While it may be too difficult to look far into the future at this point, you can set a few easily achievable goals at work or in some of your hobbies that will keep you occupied and help boost your self-esteem.
- For example, if you’ve always wanted to learn how to knit a winter hat, try throwing yourself into learning this new skill. Once you’ve learned to knit and finished your hat, you’ll have a sense of accomplishment and may find that you didn’t think about her while you were working.

13

Create healthy habits to help you feel better.

Developing good habits is a great way to distract yourself from your heartbreak. Rather than focusing on your pain, try committing yourself to take measures to have a healthier body and mind. Whether you start to workout regularly, meditate, take yoga classes, or eat healthier, feeling better physically and mentally will give you a more positive outlook on life, and will help you realize that you can be happy and healthy without her.^{[20]
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- Keep in mind that relying on alcohol, food, or any other substances not only won’t make you feel better, it will also be detrimental to your health. Instead, focus on creating healthy habits that will benefit your life in the long run.

14

Take a trip to someplace a new.

A change of scenery can be a big help. Even if you only have a few days or a weekend available, taking a trip to a new place can help reinvigorate you, relieve some of the stress caused by your heartbreak, and make you feel more positive about your life. Plus, it’ll help you put some distance between yourself and the girl you love, which will help you get her off your mind.^{[21]
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- While on your trip, try to make plans to do some fun activities you’ve never done before, and leave yourself little downtime. This will help keep you occupied and keep your mind focused on the activities at hand.

15

Try to forgive her and make peace with the past.

Forgiveness is an important part of moving on. When the girl you love breaks your heart, it’s easy to hold a grudge and feel angry about the pain that she’s caused you. If you let your bitterness go on for too long, however, you’ll let her continue to have control over your emotions even when she’s out of your life. While forgiving her may be difficult early on, it’ll allow you to have more control over your own emotions as you start to move on.^{[22]
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- Keep in mind that forgiving her isn’t necessarily about letting her off the hook for the hurt she’s caused you. Rather, forgiveness lets you severe emotional ties and assert control over your own feelings.

16

Recommit to doing things for yourself instead of her every day.

Your life belongs to you, not her. When you’re in love with someone for a long period of time, you can start to develop patterns and habits that reinforce these feelings. As a result, it’ll likely take some time for you to break these habits and start naturally doing things for yourself instead of her. It can be helpful, then, to deliberately recommit to focusing on yourself and what you need to do to get over her every morning.
- Taking just a few minutes to meditate and focus on your own goals each morning can go a long way in keeping you focused on your own future rather than on the past.^{[23]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with mutual friends after a break up?

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.

Luis Congdon

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Let them know what's going on and ask them for their support. If they're hosting a party or some other hang-out in the future, ask if they could rotate the invites between you and your ex so you don't have to bump into each other.
Question

Why does the heart hurt after breakup?

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.

Luis Congdon

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

A break-up is its own form of death. A part of you has lost something that you had with someone else, so it's completely normal to feel sad and need a mourning period afterward.