How to Understand Boys

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: July 20, 2021 References

Life would be so much easier if you could just read a boy’s mind, right? It’s so hard to figure out what they’re thinking! While there’s no universal guy-code you can memorize, there are a few strategies you can use to figure out the guys in your life. Pretty soon, you’ll be everyone’s go-to guide for guy speak!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Figuring out if a Boy Likes You

1
Pay attention to how he dresses around you to see if he puts in effort. You like this guy, so you probably think he looks cool all of the time. However, notice if he seems to dress a little better when he knows he’s going to be around you. Similarly, watch for signs he might improve his appearance when he notices you, such as smoothing down his hair or adjusting his clothes.^{[1]
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- For example, he might start wearing cologne when he's around you when he previously didn't.
- If you’re friends on social media, compare how he dresses in the pics he posts to what he wears around you. If he normally wears sports attire but chooses a nice shirt and jeans when you’re around, he may like you.
2
Notice if he touches and brushes against you when you’re around him. Touching someone is a great way to flirt, so a boy who likes you will often find ways to do it. Pay attention to casual touches, like taps on your arm. Additionally, notice if he always seems to “bump” into you. These could be signs he likes you.^{[2]
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- You could also try sitting or standing close to him to see if he’ll reach over and touch you.
- Some guys are really shy or are really respectful and may not feel comfortable touching you. Don’t assume a guy doesn't like you just because he doesn’t find reasons to touch you.
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3
Listen to see if he remembers details about you. Boys show they’re interested in you by soaking up information about you. See if he remembers things you’ve told him, like your favorite band or what you did last weekend. You might even tell him a couple of new details each time you see him so you can test his memory the next time you chat.^{[3]
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- You might tell him something like, “Saturday I’m going roller skating, and I can’t wait!” When you see or text him later, say, “I had so much fun Saturday.” If he remembers, he might respond with something like, “Oh, yeah, you went skating,” or “Did you fall on your skates?”
4
Watch for signs he’s jealous of other guys, like asking if you have a boyfriend. Pay attention to how he reacts when you talk about other guys or hang out around them. He may like you if he gets upset, tries to get your attention, or asks a lot of questions about why you’re talking to other guys. Additionally, notice if he asks if you have a boyfriend, which is a sign he’s interested.^{[4]
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- He might say something like, “Who’s that guy?” or “What did that guy want?”
- Similarly, he may try to get in between you and other guy friends. He could then say something like, “Looks like you’re in high demand,” or “Everyone wants to talk to you, huh?”
5
Assume he’s unavailable if he talks about other girls or doesn’t want to date. It hurts so much to hear the boy you like talking about another girl, but try not to let it get you down. However, he probably isn’t into you if he’s bringing up other girls he likes or tells you he doesn’t want a relationship. Treat this guy like a friend and focus on someone who might like you back.^{[5]
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- For instance, he might be saying things like, “I think Maricela is going to win homecoming queen, don’t you?” “Are you friends with Sasha?” or “Do you think Quanta will be at the party this weekend?” Chances are, he likes the girl he keeps talking about.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Boys

1
Pick a time when he’s not already engaged in an activity. Boys are typically better at focusing on one task at a time, so they might not want to start a conversation if he's already doing something. Instead, wait until he’s free before you talk to him. This way, he can focus on you.^{[6]
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- For example, don’t try to talk to him if he’s watching TV, reading a book, or studying. Instead, wait until he gets up to take a break or makes eye contact with you.
- Similarly, it's usually not a good idea to approach a guy when he's hanging out with his friends. He'll likely want to focus on his friends, not you.
2
Bring up a subject he’s interested in to break the ice. In general, boys tend to be less chatty, but they’ll often open up about their interests. Talk about his favorite band, the video game he’s playing, his favorite sport, or the report he just gave in class. Chances are, he’ll have something to say back.^{[7]
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- You could say, “I love your band tee! Isn’t their new album great?” “I saw your big play on Friday night! Great game!” or “Do you play Animal Crossing?”
- Some boys are super chatty, so don’t assume that a guy won’t enjoy talking with you.
3
Ask him for advice to learn more about him. You probably want to know everything about your crush, so try this helpful tactic for getting inside knowledge. Ask him about his favorite things like you want advice about what to read, watch, or do. Hopefully, he’ll open up to you a bit without even realizing it!^{[8]
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- Say, “I always see you reading. Do you have any book recommendations?” “I can’t decide what clubs to join this year. What are your thoughts?” or “What have you been watching on Netflix lately?”
4
Use open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Boys are usually pretty direct, so your crush probably isn’t going to give you a long, drawn-out answer to a yes-or-no question. Unfortunately, this can leave you still in the dark when it comes to understanding your guy. Instead, phrase your questions so that they require a longer answer.^{[9]
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- As an example, ask “What is the last movie you saw?” instead of “Did you see Black Panther?” Similarly, ask, “What did you think of the band’s new album?” instead of “Did you like their new album?”
5
Don’t be afraid to reach out to him first via social media or text. As you likely know, being the first to make contact is super scary. Your guy is feeling just as nervous as you are, so try breaking the ice. Send him a message on social media and wait to see if he responds. After a few messages back-and-forth, ask if he wants to exchange phone numbers so you can start texting.^{[10]
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- Say something like, "Fun weekend plans?" or "Cool profile pic! Where did you take it?"
- You could send him a meme with the message, "This reminded me of you."
- As another option, you might message him about school. You could say, "Do you know when the research paper is due?" or "What topic did you pick for the class presentations?"
- Don't be too pushy on social media. While it's okay to like a few photos on their page, try not to like too many pictures at once.^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
6
Give him time to open up to you. Just like you, your guy doesn’t want to get rejected, so he may be nervous to share details about himself at first. Additionally, boys aren’t usually taught to talk about their feelings and interests, so he may not like gabbing about himself. Try opening up a little about yourself to help him feel comfortable sharing with you. In the meantime, focus on having fun together.^{[12]
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- You might say something like, “School is really stressful for me, so I can’t wait for winter break. How about you?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Hanging out

1
Invite him to do something active with you. Generally, boys enjoy doing activities instead of sitting around talking when they’re spending time with people they like. Plan something like going bowling, playing mini golf, or attending a sporting event. If you’re still getting to know him, ask some friends to join you for a group outing.^{[13]
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- Guys often enjoy a friendly competition, so it’s a great idea to add a competitive element to your hang out.
- If you'd like to move past the friend zone, try asking him out on a date. For example, you could grab dinner or catch a movie together.^{[14]
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  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
2
Ask him to play video games with him if he’s a gamer. Studies show that guys who play video games feel really connected to the people they play with. This doesn’t mean he’ll fall in love with you during a game of Fortnite, but he might open up a bit. Invite him to a gaming session if it’s something you enjoy, and try to spark up a conversation.^{[15]
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Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends
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- Don’t feel pressured to play video games if you don’t find them fun. Instead, invite him to do something you do like.
3
Respect the close bond he has with his friends when you’re together. Guys usually care a lot about their friends, and sometimes this can leave you feeling left out. It’s normal for boys to want to focus on their friends sometimes, so try not to let this hurt your feelings. Instead, talk to him about how you feel and figure out together how he can enjoy his time with all of you.^{[16]
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- Say, “Hey, I’m happy we get to hang out with your friends so often, but sometimes I feel left out. Can you remember to include me when we’re all together?” or “It hurts me when you ignore me during group hangs. Could we maybe sit together so I still feel like we’re together?”
- If you feel like he’s just ignoring you, it might be best to look for a guy who treats you better.
4
Be direct instead of hinting around about what you want. Guys are famously bad for not catching hints, so don’t try to get your crush to guess what you’re thinking. Tell him specifically what you want or need from him. Then, let him decide what he wants to do.^{[17]
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- Instead of hinting, “I have nothing to do this Saturday night,” say, “I’m free this Saturday night. Want to go out?” Similarly, don’t hint, “I wish I didn’t have to study alone.” Just say, “Do you want to study together?”
- It’s up to him if he wants to do what you're asking. Respect his decision if it’s not something he wants.
- While guys get a reputation for not taking hints, it’s not just boys who have trouble with this. It’s always best to be direct when you want or need something.
- Being direct is a great way to open up to your crush.^{[18]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
5
Don’t believe stereotypes about boys, like that they’re tough. As the saying goes, “Never judge a book by its cover.” Guys can be just as sensitive and emotional as anyone else. Additionally, they may be quiet, loud, or somewhere in between. Get to know the boys in your life before you draw conclusions about their personality.^{[19]
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- For example, it’s okay for a boy to have long hair or wear nail polish. Similarly, boys can write love poems and enjoy expressing their emotions. Don’t let someone convince you otherwise!

Warnings

Rejection is always a possibility when you like someone. While it hurts to get rejected, try to remember that it isn’t personal. There’s likely someone else out there who really likes you, but you just don’t know it!

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