How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: September 26, 2022 References

Falling in love and staying in love are all part of the journey of a relationship. While these things may come naturally for some people, others have to be more mindful of our behavior in order to experience these things. There are several things that you can do to increase your chances of falling and staying in love, such as going on thrilling dates, being curious, making your intentions known, appreciating each other, and acknowledging your role in conflicts. Just keep in mind that falling in love and staying in love take time, energy, and the right person.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Developing a Relationship

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Meet someone. If you have decided that you are ready for love, then you will have to put yourself in situations where you can meet someone who shares your interests. If someone shares your interests, try to do things together like go on a walk in the park or chat in a cafe. You can also enjoy and consider making a profile on an online dating site.
- For example, if you are passionate about animals, volunteer your time at a local animal shelter. If you love running, join a local running club. Find something that allows you to do what you love and interact with people who share your passion.
- You can also try meeting someone through an online dating site. These sites can help you to determine if the person shares your interests before you meet them, which may make it easier for you to connect with the person.
2
Flirt. To indicate your interest in someone, you will need to demonstrate your interest through your facial expressions, body language, and comments. Using things like body language, eye contact, and flirtatious comments can help to show the other person that you are interested in them. If you are a novice at flirting, keep it simple to start. Some simple ways that you can flirt include:
- Smiling. Smiling is an easy way to flirt and it can also make you seem more attractive.^{[1]
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- Making Eye Contact. Keep good eye contact is another simple way to indicate your interest to your date. Research has shown that prolonged eye contact can increase feelings of attraction between two people.^{[2]
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- Mirroring Body Position. Stand or sit in a way that mirrors your date.^{[3]
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  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} For example, if your date is leaning in towards you with one arm on the table, you could do the same.^{[4]
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3
Go on thrilling dates. Research has shown that putting yourself into a thrilling situation can increase feelings of attraction between two people.^{[5]
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Research source} Make sure that you plan some exciting dates when you are first getting to know someone to increase feelings of attraction. Go to see an action movie together, spend a day at an amusement park, or go bungee jumping.
4
Take it slow. When you are first getting to know someone, it is important to avoid sharing too much about yourself too soon. Some people share too much of themselves in the early stages of a relationship because they want to seem honest and forthright. But sharing too much too soon can be overwhelming for the other person and also makes you less mysterious.^{[6]
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Research source} For example, you should avoid discussing topics like your ex, family conflicts, or your personal finances.
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Be curious. It is important to find out if you are compatible with the other person in order to fall in love, so ask questions to get that information. The questions that you ask should not be invasive or too personal. They should be friendly and fund to discuss. For example, some questions you might ask on a first date include:^{[7]
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- Are you passionate about anything? If so, what?
- Do you have any favorite movies or TV shows?
- Are you more of a morning person or a night person?
- What sort of vacations do you like to take?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Moving Forward with Someone

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Assess your readiness to fall in love. Before you make the decision to go out looking for love, take some time to consider whether or not you are really ready. There are many reasons why you may not be ready to fall in love, but some of the most common ones include:
- Recently got out of a relationship. If you have recently gotten out of a relationship and you are still working through feelings of loss, then looking for love might not be a good idea just yet. If you are not fully over your old relationship, then you may have a hard time entering into a new one. Give yourself more time if you need it.
- Not sure who you are or what you want. Knowing who you are and what you want out of life is essential to a healthy long-term relationship. If you are still not sure what you want your life to look like 5, 10, or 20 years from now, then you may want to take some time to figure that out. Spend some time getting to know yourself before you go looking for love.^{[8]
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- You are dealing with depression or another serious mental health condition. If you are looking at falling in love as a way to overcome feelings of loneliness and depression, you may want to reconsider. When falling in love does not work out, it can cause feelings of emotional stress and depression.^{[10]
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  Research source} Therefore, you may not be able to handle a potential letdown if you are already depressed. If you think you are depressed or dealing with some other type of mental health problem, talk to a therapist and get yourself well.
2
Take care of yourself. Physical attraction is not everything, but it is important that you look and feel your best in order to attract someone. Make sure that you are taking care of your basic needs, such as diet, exercise, sleep, and grooming, before you go looking for love.^{[11]
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- Visit a salon or barber shop for a haircut if you haven’t had one in a while.
- Buy yourself some new clothes if yours are worn or outdated.
- Work on getting healthy by improving your diet and exercising more.
- Make sure that you are giving yourself enough time to rest and relax each day.
3
Continue to make time for you. It is common for people to become so wrapped up in a new relationship that they stop doing things that matter to them. But not making enough time for you and your interests can be bad for you and bad for your new relationship. Remember to make enough time for you and your interests no matter how much you want to skip them to extra spend time with your new love interest.^{[12]
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4
Make your intentions known. It is important to make your intentions known to the other person if you want to continue seeing the person. If you are enjoying spending time with the person, let them know. You don’t need to declare long-term intentions in the early stages of a relationship, but you need to say that you enjoy spending time with the person and that you’d like to keep seeing them.
- Try saying, “I’ve had a great time on our last few dates and I’d like to keep seeing you if that is something you are interested in.”
5
Know when to walk away. If you are not enjoying your time with someone or you just don’t think you are a good fit, don’t prolong the inevitable.^{[13]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Tell the person how you feel and move on. Breaking up with someone is not easy, but it is better than continuing a relationship that you are not enjoying.
- Make sure that you do not make the mistake of breaking up via text, email, or social media. It might seem easier for you, but it will be more upsetting for the person on the other end.^{[14]
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- If you need to break up with someone, try arranging to meet with the person at a neutral spot like a park or a café. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry but I just don’t think it is working between us, so I don’t think we should go out anymore.” Be compassionate if the person responds with tears or frustration, but don’t change your mind out of pity.^{[15]
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- Don’t waste your time on someone who does not feel the same way about you as you do about them. If the other person indicates that they are not interested in continuing to see you, don’t try to chase them or change their mind. It is important to find someone who will return your feelings and treat you how you deserve to be treated.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Nourishing Love

1
Commit to each other. At some point after you have been dating someone for a while, you will need to decide to make a commitment to each other. This commitment may come in the form of a label such as boyfriend or girlfriend or you may be so in love that getting engaged is the next step. Whatever the next step is for you, it is important to talk about it and make sure that you are both on the same page.
- Try saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to pressure you, but I like being with you. I would like to continue our relationship and I know that someday I want to be married/have kids/etc. What do you think?”^{[16]
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2
Establish trust. In order to ensure a lasting love, you need to be trustworthy and be able to trust your partner in return.^{[17]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Building trust require you and your partner to be vulnerable with each other, be understanding, keep promises, and keep the lines of communication open. Each time that you trust your partner to take care of something for your or to keep their word, you are providing a chance for your partner to follow through and earn more trust from you.^{[18]
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- For example, if your partner is responsible for paying the electric bill each month, don’t constantly remind them to do so. Trust that the bill will get paid. If it does, then you will have a deeper bond between you.
3
Give each other space. Spending too much time together can cause problems in a relationship. If you spend every waking moment with your partner, then you may not appreciate the time that you have together as much. Make sure to plan activities apart and retain your independence as you continue your relationship.^{[19]
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- Try setting aside a night or day each week where you both do something on your own or with friends.
4
Spend time together. Although it is important to have some time apart from your partner now and then, time together is also very important. Make sure that you set aside time each day to catch up, perhaps over your morning coffee, over dinner, or during an evening walk.
- You should also make time to do things together like you did in the early days of your courtship. For example, you can plan a movie night, a hiking trip, or a visit to a local museum.
5
Surprise each other.^{[20]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} To maintain the spark in a relationship, find ways to surprise each other. You can do something as simple as bringing home some flowers or preparing a special dinner for your partner. Or, you can do something more elaborate like arranging a surprise birthday party or planning a dream vacation for the two of you. Look for ways to surprise your partner that will help them to feel special.
6
Appreciate each other. Love may fade in a relationship if one or both partners do not feel appreciated. Make sure that you tell your partner what you appreciate about them on a regular basis. Be specific and make sure that the things you mention are about your partner, not about you. If you appreciate your partner on a regular basis, it is more likely that you will also be appreciated in return.
- For example, you might tell your partner that you appreciate what a good listener he is or that you appreciate the way that she always has something positive to say when you get home from work.
7
Create traditions.^{[21]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Having shared traditions is a great way to strengthen a bond between two people or among families.^{[22]
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Research source} You and your partner can create some traditions that will strengthen your bond as your relationship continues to develop.
- For example, you might start a tradition of revisiting the restaurant you went to on your first date on the anniversary of your first date each year. Or you might start a special holiday tradition, such as having a horror movie marathon on Halloween while you hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.
8
Share things with your partner. As your relationship progresses, you can build a deeper bond by sharing things with your partner that you haven’t yet told them. Tell your partner about your fears, hopes, and dreams for the future and ask about theirs. Be considerate of the things your partner shares with you, even if they seem unlikely or do not appeal to you.
9
Take responsibility for your role in conflicts. In every relationship, conflicts will arise and you will need to find ways to work through them so that you both feel satisfied. One of the best things you can do to deal with conflicts is to know when you are at fault (or at least a little at fault) and own up to it. Taking responsibility for your role in the conflicts that arise in your relationship will help to make conflicts easier to resolve.^{[23]
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- For example, if you and your partner often argue about money, be the first to say how you have contributed to your financial problems and invite your partner to identify some ways they have contributed as well. Identifying your shared shortcomings provides an opportunity for you and your partner to come up with ways to resolve the issues that you are both having regarding money, rather than blaming each other for causing the problem.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stay in love with someone?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Plan things and surprise your partner to keep the romance alive. You may go on regular date nights, give gifts, or make special traditions together to keep building your love for one another.

Warnings

Remember that you cannot make someone fall in love with you and you cannot make yourself fall in love with someone else. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. If not, keep looking for your match.

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