How to Get to Know Girls in Your School

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: February 12, 2023 References

If you're in middle or high school, you may want to talk to girls in your class. You may be interested in eventually dating, or you may just want some experience talking to members of the opposite sex. There are many ways you can work on talking to girls in your school. You can make initial contact through eye contact and a simple conversation. From there, you can work on socializing regularly to form a bond. If you're shy or nervous, there are ways you can work on relaxing before going into a conversation with a girl your age.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Initiating Contact

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Relax your body. If you want to make contact with a girl you like, first try and relax your body. You want to make sure you don't communicate nervousness or defensiveness, as this may put a girl on edge. Try to stay calm going into the conversation.^{[1]
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- If you're nervous, you may lean forward and dip your chin down slightly. This can make you look aggressive. Try to be aware of your posture.
- Make sure your chin is straight and level. Keep your hands and arms loose at your side, or put your hands in your pocket. This will help make you look relaxed and nonchalant. This will make you look approachable.
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Make eye contact.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Another good way to initiate contact is eye contact. Eye contact can help convey interest and allow you to initiate a conversation. If you're interested in getting to know a girl from your class, try starting off with eye contact. Try to catch a girl's eye and hold her gaze for a few moments before looking away.^{[3]
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- However, be careful not to stare. This can come off as creepy. Try to make and hold hold eye contact briefly. If a girl is not returning your eye contact after a few seconds, look away and try again. You do not want it to look like you're staring.
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Smile.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} A calm and friendly smile is a great way to grab someone's attention. Once you've made eye contact, try smiling. Try to think about something that genuinely makes you happy when you're smiling. You want your smile to look real and genuine, as a fake smile can easily give you away.^{[5]
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Start a simple conversation. Once you've gotten a girl's attention, you should make an effort to make conversation. It can be stressful to make conversation with someone you don't know, but with a quick observation or introduction you should be able to start a conversation.^{[6]
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- Start by introducing yourself. You can simply say something like, "Hi, I'm Paul." It may feel a little awkward, but if this is someone you see in class a lot, it's perfectly acceptable to introduce yourself.
- Try to open with an observation. When you're in school, there's a lot to observe and comment on. You could talk about the upcoming test or make an observation about what happened in class today. Try to give the girl the opportunity to share by posing an observation as a question. For example, don't just say, "Wow, that was a crazy test last week." Instead, say, "Wow, that was a crazy test last week, right?" This invites the girl to share her opinion as well.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Establishing Connections

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Join extracurricular activities. During the average school day, it may be hard to stop and make conversation with a girl. However, if you join some extracurriculars, you may find it's easier to find people with common interests. Extracurriculars also provide you with the opportunity to socialize and make friends. This can help you meet girls.^{[7]
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- Find an after school club that caters to your interests and includes members of both genders. You're unlikely to meet girls on a boy's sports team. However, something like the school newspaper may help.
- The advantage of meeting people through a club is that you'll automatically have something in common. If you sometimes struggle to make conversation, you'll have something to discuss right away.
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Meet girls through others. One of the easiest ways to establish a connection to someone else is through another person. It's easier to feel close and relaxed around someone if you meet in a casual social setting. If you have any friends who are close to girls in your school, mention you would like to try to meet some girls. See if that friend can invite you to parties and events where his female friends will be present.^{[8]
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Share your thoughts and feelings. In order to get to know someone, you need to share your thoughts and feelings with that person. Long talks in which you communicate openly are what foster the closeness that forms a friendship, and possibly a romantic relationship down the road.
- It may take time to get to the place where you're sharing feelings with a girl in your school, so be patient. You may have to spend some time socializing with her outside of school or at an after school club before the two of you feel close enough to open up to one another. Be patient and let things happen organically. You cannot force intimacy.
- As you get to know someone, you'll find you begin sharing things naturally as you feel more comfortable with one another. The girl may mention her family, share her opinion on a social issue, or tell you how she's feeling on a given day. Try to listen genuinely to what she says, and share your own emotions in turn.
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Talk on social media. Social media can be a great way to get to know someone, especially if you tend to be shy. Many people meet in real life, and then strengthen that existing bond on social media. Once you've gotten to know girls in your school a little, add them on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media outlets. You can comment on a girl's Facebook post and talk to her through the messenger feature. Many people feel more relaxed talking online, and if you've established a bond online it may make face-to-face communication feel easier.
- Keep in mind, however, not to overdo it. If you pester a girl too much on social media, she may get annoyed. Do not, for example, like all her statuses, or comment on all her posts. Use discretion.
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Ask questions.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Asking questions is a great way to promote the flow of a conversation. They help the conversation move forward and show that you're genuinely interested in what the speaker has to say. When talking to girls in your school, ask a lot of questions to get to know them better.
- Ask general questions to start a conversation. For example, you can ask something like, "How was your day?" or "How did you do on that last test?"
- As the conversation continues, ask questions about the topic at hand. For example, if the girl mentions her family is getting a new puppy, don't just say, "Oh, that's cool." Instead, ask about this. Say something like, "What breed? Are you getting him from the shelter or a breeder?"
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Invite a girl to hang out. After you've talked to a girl a bit, and know her somewhat, try inviting her to hang out. You can invite her to hang out in a group with you and your friends. However, you can also ask her to hang out with you one-on-one.
- If you want to go on a date, ask the girl to go somewhere with just you that feels date-like. You could ask her to go see a movie, to get dinner, or to grab coffee.
- You can also invite a girl to a social outing with your friends. This can be a great way to get to know a girl as a friend. You can also expand your friend's group by introducing a new member.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Overcoming Shyness

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Rehearse what you want to say. It can be hard to get to know people if you're shy. If social situations make you nervous, there are ways you can overcome shyness. It may sound strange, but rehearsing what you want to say ahead of time may actually help.^{[10]
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- If you have to talk to a girl on the phone, or you know you'll see her in class, try writing down what you want to say. Obviously, you cannot plan out a whole conversation, but try jotting down what you want to talk about.
- Try to rehearse these words out loud, in front of a mirror. When you end up talking to the girl, the conversation may not play out exactly as you planned. However, you may be less nervous as you have some kind of a plan.
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Write down conversation starters. It can also help to write down conversation starters. If you're going on a date, or getting together with the girl socially, conversation starters can be particularly helpful. Jot down things you could use to start conversations, such as observations ("I can't believe it's still snowing in March!), complements ("That's a great jacket on you!"), and questions ("Do you know what time the assembly is today?"). It may sound silly, but many people choke in the moment and fail to start a conversation. Having a plan can help.^{[11]
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Discuss your fears with friends and family. For many, shyness can be very difficult to overcome. It can help to talk out your issues with shyness with friends and family members. They may offer support, advice, and insight on how to cope with shyness.^{[12]
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- Choose people you feel will listen without judgment. Put-downs and lectures are unlikely to be helpful, so don't talk to people who like to give unsolicited advice. Select people who will listen and try to understand without trying to dismiss your shyness.
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Practice socializing. Talking to girls in your school can be very intimidating. Many high school students are shy around girls. It may help to practice socializing in other places. Make conversation with boys in your class, make small talk with a clerk at the drugstore, call a family member who lives far away. Practice socializing in situations where you're less likely to feel nervous. This can help you relax more when talking to a girl.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What should I say when I approach a girl?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Just start with some casual conversation when you're first talking. Discuss a class that you have together or ask them about what they're interested in so you can learn more about them.