How to Show Someone That You Don't Need Them

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: April 9, 2021 References

Heartbreak is always awful, whether you’ve lost a friend or a crush. When someone hurts you, it’s understandable that you’d want to show them you don’t need them. The best way to do this is to have fun without them and to keep conversations with them short and unemotional. Additionally, it’s important to embrace your independence so you really don’t need them anymore.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Having Fun without Them

1
Go out with other people so you’re having a great time. Invite your friends and family to do activities like bowling, mini golf, or game nights. During this time, don’t worry about the person who hurt you. Tell everyone about how often you're going out so word gets around, and post about your outings on social media. This will show them that you can be happy without them, and it’ll help you feel better.^{[1]
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- Pick activities that engage your mind so that you’re less likely to think about the other person.
Variation: Don’t be afraid to go out alone if you can’t find someone to go with you. For instance, go see the latest comedy movie, visit a local bookstore to check out the latest bestsellers, or take your laptop to a local coffee shop.
2
Walk with a group when you might see the person who hurt you. When you’re in a group, it makes you look like you’re in demand. Ask your friends to go with you when you know you’re crossing paths with the person who hurt you. Try to laugh and talk to people to show them how happy you are.^{[2]
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- Your friends can also insulate you against noticing the person or having to interact with them.
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3
Act like you’re really busy and don’t have time for them. Make them think that you have so much going on in your life that their absence doesn’t affect you. Tell them directly that you’re busy, or talk loudly to others about how much you have going on in your life. Additionally, post online about all that you’ve go going on.^{[3]
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- You might say, "I wish I had free time this week, but I have so much going on," or "I already have too many plans with other people."
- To fill up your time, work on your personal goals every day and spend more time with the people you care about.
4
Fill your social media feed with photos of you having fun. Ask your friends to take photos of you having fun and snap pics of your solo activities. Then, post your photos with a note about how much fun you’re having.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021} Try to post at least once a day so that the person knows you’re doing well.^{[5]
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- For example, you might post a photo of you bowling with your friends, a pic of you walking your dog, a photo of you and your friend in an art class, a pic of the cookies you just baked, and a photo of you and your friends having game night.
- If you start feeling down, look at your newsfeed to remind yourself that you’ve been having lots of fun!
5
Flirt with other people if the person was a romantic interest. Make them think that you’ve forgotten all about them by getting flirty. When the person who hurt you is around, pick someone else to flirt with. Touch them on the arm, laugh at their jokes, and give them small compliments.^{[6]
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- You might touch their arm and say, “This shirt is great!”
Warning: Be careful that you don’t lead on the person you're flirting with. You could potentially hurt their feelings. You might try flirting with several different people to prevent this.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Responding When They Talk to You

1
Cut the conversation short if they try to talk to you. You might feel really nervous and upset when they try to talk to you. Take a few deep breaths to try to calm yourself down. Then, politely excuse yourself or give them a short response that shuts down the conversation.^{[7]
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- You could say, “I was on my way to the restroom. See you later,” or “My friend is waiting for me, so I can’t talk.”
- Alternatively, answer their questions with statements like, “That’s weird,” or “Cool.” This way the conversation won’t keep going.
Tip: Don’t be rude or angry when they try to talk to you. Not only is this mean, but it’ll also make them think that you’re upset about what happened. Instead, act like you just aren’t interested in talking to them anymore.^{[8]
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2
Stop talking about them with other people. If you’re talking about them, they’ll know you still care. This is still true even if you’re telling everyone how much you don’t need them! Instead, try not to say anything about them and change the subject if someone tries to talk about them.^{[9]
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- You might say, “I’m so over that. Let’s talk about this weekend,” or “Who cares about them? I want to hear your theories about what’s happening on Riverdale.”
- If you’re still hurting, pick one person you can trust to confide in, like your best friend. Make sure it’s someone you can trust.
3
Send short responses like “ok” or “lol” if they text you. They might try to communicate with you via text or online. Don’t type a long response, even if the message upsets you.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021} Instead, just type something short and vague because it will make them think you don’t really care.^{[11]
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- For example, let’s say you receive a long text about how what happened was your fault. Just type, “Ok, whatever.” This will make them think you’re over it. If you defend yourself, they’ll know you’re upset.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Embracing Your Independence

1
Express your feelings to someone you trust or through writing. Pretending you don’t need them might fool everyone else, but you’ll still know how you really feel. If you’re hurting, it’s important that you work through those feelings. Talk to someone you trust or write about your feelings in your journal. This can help you start to feel genuinely better.^{[12]
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- You might say, “Kara really hurt me when she went behind my back. I want her to know that I don’t need her as a friend, but I feel really lonely right now,” or “I thought that Blake was a good boyfriend, but then he cheated on me. I need to show him I’m over it, but it still hurts.”
Tip: If you feel like you need to scream or cry into a pillow, go ahead and do that. Let your emotions out so you can start to feel better.^{[13]
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2
Take some time to tend to your emotional wounds. You’re probably feeling super upset right now, and that’s totally okay! You have every right to feel like you do. Eventually, these feelings are going to go away, and you can help this process along by working through your feelings. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of this person so you can feel better.^{[14]
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- Tell yourself, “I’m really hurting right now, so I’m not going to try to force myself to feel better until I’m ready.”
3
Focus on making yourself happy by pursuing your interests. You deserve to be happy, with or without this other person. Instead of worrying about them, do something every day that makes you happy. This will remind you that you really don’t need that person in your life.^{[15]
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- For example, play your favorite game, paint, knit a scarf, play with your dog, color in an adult coloring book, practice the guitar, or watch movies with your friends.
- Showing yourself that you don’t need them is the final piece in this puzzle. If you know it’s true, everyone else will see it, as well.
4
Practice self care so you meet all of your needs. Taking good care of yourself is a great way to show the world that you don’t need anyone else. Make sure you’re eating healthy meals, being active, and keeping up with your responsibilities. Additionally, do something nice for yourself every day.^{[16]
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- Create a routine to help you remember to eat well, be active, practice good hygiene, complete your work, and keep your space clean.
- Extra things you can do for yourself include soaking in the tub, doing beauty treatments, engaging in a hobby, or taking a short nap.
5
Express gratitude for the good things in your life. When you’re dealing with heartbreak, it can feel like everything is going wrong in your life. However, you’re likely overlooking a lot of wonderful things. Make a habit of finding 3-5 things to be grateful for each day. Write these things down in a gratitude journal that you can read when you’re feeling down.^{[17]
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- For instance, you could be grateful for your friends, your cat, a sunny day at the beach, and a new book to read.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I show him that I don't care anymore?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Instead of writing out long, thoughtful responses to messages, only use "yes" or "no" answers to show that you aren't interested.
Question

How do I make a guy realize he's losing me?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Post to your social media about the fun you're having when he's not with you to show that you've moved on.

Warnings

Don’t try to bury your emotions about what happened. Express your feelings in some way, such as by talking to someone, writing in a journal, or crying it out.

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