How to Stay in Love

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: December 29, 2021 References Approved

Falling in love may seem like it happens without any effort at all, but staying in love can be a bit harder. Once you and your partner have moved past the first part of your relationship, you might find it harder to overlook certain things or you may have a hard time figuring out how to spend your time together. There are lots of ways that you can work together to keep the love in your relationship and keep it going for a long time. Start below to learn how.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

1
Talk openly with your partner. Communication is a super important part of any relationship. Talk to your partner about everything from how your day went to your deepest fears, hopes, and dreams. Don't shy away from the tough stuff, either—be open if you're having trouble or you're not happy with something in the relationship, and work together to solve any problems that come up.^{[1]
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- Be sure to encourage your partner to open up to you, as well. Pay attention to unspoken communication, too—your partner's tone of voice and body language can be important clues to their emotional state.^{[2]
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2
Express your appreciation for them. Don't let your partner feel taken for granted. Make sure you tell them what you appreciate about them on a regular basis. Be specific—point out what they do well and let them know why it matters to you. If you appreciate your partner on a regular basis, it is more likely that you will also be appreciated in return.^{[3]
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- For example, you might say something like, "You know, my job can be really stressful sometimes, but when I get home, you're there and you're happy to see me, and my day just instantly gets better."
- Let them know you notice the little things, too—a simple, "Thank you for taking out the trash!" can really go a long way.
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3
Make time for each other. Even if your schedules are tight, make sure that you set aside some time to spend together every week. It doesn't have to be fancy, but having regular quality time is important if you want to keep your love strong. During this time, just focus on each other—try not to talk about chores, the kids, or anything stressful. And put down your phones so you can give each other your full attention!^{[4]
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- Quality time can be as simple as drinking coffee together in the morning, going for a walk on the weekend, or watching your favorite show together at night.
- Regular dates are an important part of quality time, too. Just make sure you're spending time together in between special occasions.
- If you can't be together in person, make sure you schedule regular times to catch up over the phone or on video calls.
4
Don't get discouraged when the "honeymoon phase" ends. It is natural to be enamored with someone the first few months you are dating, feeling like nothing could ever come between you. Over time, though, the day-to-day grind and the ups and downs of a relationship will set in, and those initial feelings will change a little. However, if you stay dedicated to each other, a deeper love will replace them.^{[5]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Keep in mind that the end of the honeymoon phase is not a bad thing, but rather an important step in your relationship. Now is the time you get to know your partner better and cultivate a long-lasting, loving relationship.
5
Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Over the course of your relationship, you'll both grow and change, and in time, those early dating days will seem like a distant memory. Try not to lose sight of what you first noticed about your partner that made you fall in love, like their great sense of humor or amazing compassion. Chances are, those are some of the qualities they'll hold on to over the years.^{[7]
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- Try going back to the spot where you had your first date for a fun way to stir up some of those old feelings!
- Looking back through pictures from when you started dating can help you remember how you felt when you first met your partner, too.
- Try writing down a list of everything you love about your partner. Be as specific as possible, like "The way his eyes light up when he talks about music," or "The way she can always think of something positive to say." When things get tough, like the two of you have an argument, look back over that list.
6
Pursue your own interests and goals. Even in a long-term relationship, it's important for both of you to be independent. If you spend every waking moment with your partner, then you may not appreciate the time that you have together as much. Make sure to plan activities apart and retain your independence as you continue your relationship.^{[8]
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- Try setting aside a night or day each week where you both do something on your own or with friends.
7
Be trusting and trustworthy. You both have to be able to trust each other in order to love each other for the long-term. Building trust requires you and your partner to be vulnerable with each other, keep promises, and keep the lines of communication open. Each time that you trust your partner to take care of something for you or to keep his or her word, you are providing a chance for your partner to follow through and earn more trust from you.^{[9]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Trust your partner by telling them your secrets, letting them handle things on their own, and going to them when you need someone to support you.
8
Take care of yourself. When you feel good about yourself, it's only going to make your relationship stronger. Make your physical and emotional health a priority so you'll look and feel your very best.^{[11]
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Research source} For instance, try to:
- Eat a nutritious diet and stay hydrated
- Be physically active
- Get enough sleep
- Do things that help you relieve stress
- Make time for self-care
- Set goals for yourself and work toward them

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Keeping Things Fun

1
Flirt with each other. Just because you've been together for a while doesn't mean you should stop flirting! Make it a habit to give your partner flirty glances, compliment their appearance, and be physically affectionate with each other. Anything that lets them know you're still as attracted to them as you ever were! Here are a few things you might try:^{[12]
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- Call your partner a flirty nickname, like "handsome," "cutie," or "beautiful."
- Reach for their hand or put your arm around their waist when they're not expecting it.
- Give them a wink and a grin from across the room.
- Send them a flirty text, like, "I keep getting distracted from work because I'm thinking about you!"
2
Create traditions. Having shared traditions is a great way to strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Brainstorm with your partner to create some traditions that will strengthen your bond. You can look forward to these traditions and create new ones as your relationship continues to progress.^{[13]
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- Many traditions evolve over time as a result of your mutual likes and dislikes. For example, you might both enjoy watching the Oscars and start a tradition of having an Oscar watching party where you both dress up and present each other with an award.
3
Give them thoughtful gifts. Pay attention to the types of things your partner always eyes but never seems to buy for themselves. This is the type of stuff that makes for the perfect gift! Not only will they genuinely enjoy whatever you get them, but they'll also be really touched that you noticed and remembered what they wanted.^{[14]
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- Gifts don't have to be expensive—it can be as simple as bringing home flowers or picking up their favorite pasta when they're too busy to cook dinner.
- You don't even necessarily have to buy something. Try leaving a sweet note in their pocket before they leave for work, or send them a thoughtful text when you know they're having a tough day.^{[15]
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4
Be spontaneous. Sure, you have a lot of responsibilities to take care of, and you probably can't just blow off work to go backpack around Switzerland. But you can drop the schedule every once in a while and do something unplanned and fun—and you should. Being spontaneous will help keep your lover on your toes, and both of your will feel like your relationship is more exciting and fun.
- Being spontaneous can be as simple as calling off dinner and going out for ice cream or having an impromptu slow dance after the kids are in bed. Or, you could take a quick weekend trip when the weather is nice.
5
Try new things. When you're in a relationship for a long time, you might start to feel like you're stuck in the same old routine. Break out of it by taking on a new hobby or trying a new activity together. It might be most exciting if you do something neither of you have ever tried but always wanted to do, but if you can't come up with anything, you can take turns trying each other's favorite activity, instead.^{[16]
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- Take a ballroom class, sign up for painting lessons, or build something together, for instance.
6
Go on double dates together. Sure, regular dates are important, but going out with another couple can actually be a really great way to keep the flame alive! It gives you a chance to see your sweetheart in a new light as the two of you get to know the other couple on a deeper level.^{[18]
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- This works best in situations where you can comfortably have in-depth conversations, so try inviting another couple to join you for dinner at your favorite restaurant the next time you feel like shaking things up.
7
Go on a romantic getaway. It can sometimes be hard to clear your schedule or budget for a trip, but going on vacation with your partner is an amazing way to reinvigorate your relationship. You don't even have to go far—just spending a night or two at a cute hotel in the next town can leave you both feeling refreshed and closer than ever.^{[19]
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- If you really can't get away right now, spend some time planning your ultimate vacation together. Talk about where you'd both like to go, then research hotels, restaurants, and things to do in town. Sooner or later that dream vacay might just become a reality!^{[20]
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8
Spice things up in the bedroom. Don't be afraid to try something new to keep your sex life exciting! Ask your partner if there's anything they've always wanted to try, then surprise them with it next time you're being intimate. Or, visit an adults-only shop together and pick out something you think would be fun, like a board game for couples or a book on different sex positions.^{[21]
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- The longer you're together, the better you'll get at knowing what turns your partner on. Instead of getting complacent, take advantage of that and change things up every now and then!
- Don't skip the foreplay—tease your partner by sending them flirty texts, brushing against them when you pass in the hallway, or giving them an extra-long kiss before they leave for work.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Conflicts

1
Resolve conflicts as soon as possible. All couples disagree sometimes. However, when you're in love, it hurts you when there's any distance between you. If that happens, don't pull further away. Instead, reach out to your partner and let them know you love them. Then, work together to find a solution to the disagreement, and talk about how you can avoid an argument next time.^{[22]
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- When the two of you disagree about something, take turns talking about your point of view, and make a point of really listening to the other person. Then, try to find a compromise that works for both of you.
- Try not to hold on to past disagreements, but don't sweep them under the rug, either. It's important to be open and honest so resentment doesn't build up—but once something is over, let it go.
- Remember, you're a team. It's the two of you against a problem, not against each other!
2
Bring up issues in a nonconfrontational way. No matter how much you love someone, there might be times that you need to address something that you're not happy with. Maybe they didn't keep up their end of an agreement or you're concerned about one of their habits, for instance. It's important to talk about these things openly, but try to approach it in a gentle, loving way so it doesn't lead to an argument.^{[23]
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- Try to use "I" statements to describe your feelings, rather than pointing the finger at your partner. For instance, you might say, "I really love you and I want you to be around for a long time. I'm a little worried because you haven't been to the doctor to see about your cough. Can we talk about it?"
- You might also say, “When you leave your dirty clothes on the floor it makes me feel frustrated and anxious. Is there anything we could do to make it easier to put clothes in the hamper?”
3
Accept responsibility for your role in disagreements. One of the best things you can do to deal with conflicts is to know when you are at fault (or at least a little at fault) and try to find a way to compromise with your partner. Taking responsibility for your role in the conflicts that arise in your relationship will help to make it easier to find areas for compromise.^{[24]
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- Always apologize for what you did wrong, even if you feel like your partner started an argument. For instance, you might say, "I'm sorry that I started to yell when I got frustrated. I should have taken a break when my emotions took over."
- Don't blame your partner when things go wrong, and don't let them blame you. Instead, you should both take responsibility for your part in things.^{[25]
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4
Forgive your partner for their flaws. No one is perfect, but people often forget this about the ones they love. Your partner is going to make mistakes and hurt your feelings sometimes. While it may be difficult to forgive them, it is something that you need to learn how to do in order to maintain a loving relationship.^{[26]
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- Remember, you have to be willing to give forgiveness to get forgiveness, and you are going to make your share of mistakes too.
- Accept your partner's quirks, as well. Everyone has different preferences and habits, and you cannot expect your partner to do everything just like you do. It's just a part of who they are!^{[27]
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5
Listen carefully during disagreements. If your partner comes to you and needs to talk to you about something, really hear what they're saying to you. Don't just think about what you're going to say next—stay present and try to really understand what they're getting at. Also, make sure they know that you're on their side and you'll support them no matter what.^{[28]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- It can sometimes help to repeat back what your partner is saying to make sure you understand each other. For instance, you might say, "It sounds like you're saying you're frustrated because I've been working long hours, right?"
6
Be willing to compromise. When you're in a relationship, you can't make decisions based only on what you want. Talk to your partner about decisions, and if you have different opinions, figure out how to navigate that. Sometimes it means taking turns choosing things, and other times it means meeting in the middle.^{[30]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- For example, if you and your partner both want to see a different movie on your date night, one of you might say, “Okay, let’s see the one you want to see this week.” Then the other person can choose the next time.
- Sometimes you might need to come up with a totally new solution. If one of you wants Greek food and the other wants Mexican and neither of you can sway the other, you might end up going for Thai instead. You could even agree to pick up food from two different places.
- You may encounter bigger compromises at some point in your relationship as well. For example, if you are offered a job in another state, your partner would have to decide if they would be willing to give up their job and friends so you could take that job.

Expert Q&A

Question

What can I do to stay in love with my partner?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try making little traditions with one another, like having breakfast in bed on the weekends or going out on date nights regularly.

Warnings

If someone is unwilling to work on staying in love with you or does not treat you with respect, it may be time to move on.

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