How to Stop Being a Simp

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 30, 2023 References Approved

If you find yourself constantly fawning over people who don’t give you the time of day, you could be acting like a simp. In the modern age, simp is a term used for someone who puts themselves in a submissive position in hopes of winning a person over. Trying to impress someone is okay in moderation, but overdoing it can make you look a little desperate. Fortunately, you don’t have to be a simp anymore—in this article, we’ll tell you exactly how to change your behavior and put yourself first to avoid simping ever again.

1

Stop doing unprompted favors.

Tons of small gifts and favors can be overwhelming. If you find that you’re always going out of your way to help a person out or bring them stuff without them doing the same, try to cut down. In a healthy relationship, you want an equal amount of give and take: if you do someone a favor, they should be willing to do one for you, too. It’s totally fine to do nice things for someone every once in a while, but if it’s not reciprocated, it might be time to cut back.^{[1]
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- Grabbing them a coffee on your way to work? That’s probably okay, especially if they asked you to.
- Heading over to their place and shoveling their driveway during a snowstorm? That’s too much, and it could even make them feel a little uncomfortable.

2

Set some boundaries for yourself.

Healthy boundaries will stop you from crossing the line in any relationship.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} If you find that you’ve been simping a little too hard, you might set boundaries around how often you buy them gifts or how much you compliment them online. Setting your boundaries and sticking to them will stop you from getting taken advantage of in your next relationship.^{[3]
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Research source} You could also try setting boundaries like:
- Splitting the bill with them when you go out on dates
- Not dropping everything to hang out with a person
- Not double texting a person if she doesn’t respond

3

Make yourself less available.

Dropping everything for a person can make you seem too eager. If you constantly rearrange your schedule anytime someone wants to hang out, they'll know that you’re putting them on a pedestal. It’s fine to make plans together, but if you’re busy, let them know that you can’t hang out that day.^{[4]
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- For instance, if someone randomly hits you up to hang out that day but you’re already with friends, you might say, “Hey, I’m pretty busy this afternoon. What about tomorrow?”
- This will show them that while you’re still making time for her, you aren’t dropping everything just because they texted you.

4

Stop seeking validation.

Looking for a person approval makes you seem like you aren’t confident. Confident people don’t need approval from other people—they already know how much they’re worth, so they aren’t worried if someone doesn’t like them back. Building your self-esteem and raising your own confidence is a great way to find validation in yourself, not from other people.^{[5]
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- A nice way to quickly boost your self-esteem is to write out a list of your strengths. Then, you can look back on it every time you’re feeling down for a nice confidence boost.

5

Be chivalrous, but not overly so.

Treat the person in your life like people, not fragile objects. When you’re out with a person, it’s okay to hold the door for them or pull out their chair at dinner.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} However, stay away from grand gestures, like ordering them a meal at dinner.^{[7]
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Research source} These old-timey gestures only work in the movies—in real life, they make most people feel awkward.
- Pouring them a glass of wine at dinner: totally fine, and pretty helpful.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Erika Kaplan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Throwing your coat over a puddle so they can walk on it: way too far, and could make them feel weird.

6

Distance yourself from the person you’re simping over.

Take a step back to break your habits. If you’ve been obsessing over a person (or multiple persons) who won’t give you the time of day, it’s time to move on. Unfollow them on social media, stop hanging out in person, and dedicate your time to other people who enjoy your company. The more you spend time on other activities, the less you’ll feel tempted to fall back into your old ways.^{[9]
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- If you want to, you could even take a full on social media break for a while. Not only will this help distance you from the people you were simping for, but it’s great for your mental health, too.

7

Prioritize your friends and family.

Hang out with the people that love and care for you. Relationships come and go, but your loved ones will probably always be there for you. Try not to let a romantic relationship take over your life: it’s totally fine to dedicate time to it, but you should also have time for your other friends, too.^{[10]
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- Don’t forget to keep up with your hobbies, too!

8

Be a complete person on your own.

Remember, you don’t need a date to feel happy. It might seem like everyone you know is coupled up right now, but having a partner isn’t the end-all be-all! You can keep up with your friends and have fun all on your own.^{[11]
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- It seems counterintuitive, but when you stop looking for love, you’re much more likely to find it.
- Focus on your hobbies and finding stuff that you like to do! You’ll become a much more well-rounded person, and you’ll probably be much happier.

9

Avoid advice from pickup artists.

The advice from these people rarely ever works. Nowadays, there are tons of online pickup artists or nice people who will tell you exactly how you can get a partner. However, their tactics tend to treat people like they’re objects or damsels in distress. If you’re looking for ways to get a partner, take advice from your friends or your peers, not someone who wants you to put on an act to approach an potential significant other. ^{[12]
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- Remember that being yourself is the best way to make a genuine connection with someone.

10

Get to know potential dates on a deeper level.

When you meet a cool person, ask them questions about themselves. Remember, not all people are the same: your potential date is going to have different hobbies, goals, and aspirations than other people. Focus on getting to know the people you like instead of impressing them—you’ll have much more success romantically that way.^{[13]
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- Good questions to ask include, “What did you want to be when you were a kid?” “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” “What do you like to do on the weekends?”
- Open up about yourself, too! Your date wants to know more about you so they can see if you two are compatible.

11

Find someone who is actually into you.

In healthy relationships, both partners enjoy each other’s company. Try not to fall for people who continually brush you off or use you for favors. Instead, dedicate your time to someone who really likes you for you and doesn’t want to change you.^{[14]
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- Try to take as much as you give in the relationship. If you find yourself buying gifts, doing favors, and texting first all the time, then it might be time to move on.