Is Someone You Know Toxic? 7 Telling Signs

How to identify a toxic friend, partner, or family member

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: March 6, 2023 References

Not all relationships are perfect, but some may be more troublesome than others. Perhaps your friend, partner, family member, or coworker said or did something recently that left you questioning, “Are they toxic?” Acknowledging the signs of toxic behavior can be the first step to understanding the whys and hows of a toxic relationship, which is why we’ve put together this article. Take a look at the top 7 signs of a toxic person to see if someone you know really is toxic.

Things You Should Know

Toxic people are poor communicators who make you feel insecure about yourself.
A toxic person is a skillful gaslighter and causes you to second guess yourself, even when you know you’re right.
They like to put blame on others to appear better than everyone else.

1

They’re harmful communicators.

Effective communication isn’t in a toxic person's wheelhouse. If someone is toxic, you may leave conversations feeling worse about yourself. They’re often passive-aggressive and shut down your emotions with silent treatments or unnecessary yelling.
- A toxic person may raise their voice and push aside your needs because they want to be in a place of power. They like to be in control of the relationship, even if that means sacrificing communication.
- Try to avoid reacting to their silent treatment with anger or passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, collect yourself and instigate a thoughtful conversation about why their behavior is hurting you.

2

They’re always the victim.

A toxic person turns the tables to blame others for their wrongs. In their eyes, they’re always right. They turn arguments and situations around to make themselves look innocent, even when they’re not. This is their way of gaining control in the hopes that they’ll appear “better” than everyone else because they’re secretly insecure.^{[1]
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- In a disagreement, they might say something like, “You’re not listening to me. That really hurt my feelings!” even though they’re at fault for hurting your feelings.
- Use “I statements” when communicating with them to exaggerate how a situation is making you feeling.

3

They gaslight you.

A toxic person makes you doubt yourself. Gaslighting is a definitive sign of a toxic person. They’ll lie, mislead, and invalidate your opinions and experiences to manipulate you for their own agenda. The manipulation can leave you confused, frustrated, and more susceptible to their toxicity.^{[2]
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- A gaslighter will often say things like:
  - “That never happened.”
  - “I did it because I love you.”
  - "You're being irrational."
  - “You’re mistaken.”
  - “You’re being unreasonable.”
  - “You’re crazy.”
  - “It’s not that bad. You’re over-exaggerating.”
- Respond to a gaslighter by refusing to argue. Instead, approach the situation calmly and remind yourself that you can trust your own opinions.

4

They constantly lie and give false apologies.

It’s easy for a toxic person to lie, especially if it fits their agenda. Drama tends to follow this person everywhere—they like to stir the pot. Whether it’s saying white lies or flippant apologies, it’s hard to know when they’re being honest.^{[3]
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- Think of it this way: in a toxic person’s eyes, they’re the main character of their and everyone’s stories. They’ll do whatever it takes to have things be in their favor.
- Spot a liar by noticing if they’re fidgeting, darting their eyes, or suddenly changing emotions.

5

They make you feel guilty.

You believe you’re in the wrong around a toxic person. Toxic people thrive on power and control in their relationships. Whether you're partners, friends, or family, they’ll do whatever they can to twist your compassion for their benefit.^{[4]
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- This manipulation tactic might look like your mom calling you at work, and when you’re unable to answer, she texts back, “You never have time to talk to me.”
- It’s strongly encouraged to set boundaries with people, especially if it’s for your well-being, even if a toxic person doesn’t fully understand that.

6

They give unnecessary and hurtful judgments.

A toxic person is often extremely judgmental when they don’t need to be. In other words, you could describe them as two-faced. Gossiping, spreading rumors, spilling secrets, and making hurtful comments are their favorite things to do in social situations, and it’s all to make themselves look better.^{[5]
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- For example, they might tell someone, “I’m so glad you came! I love that color on you!” but turn to someone else and say, “That color looks awful on her. She should’ve just stayed home.”
- Avoid asking questions about the gossip or rumors to defuse the drama. Instead, shrug the comment off and change the subject.

7

They love bomb you.

Toxic people shower others with praise and affection to earn trust. At the start of your relationship, they might have given you lots of attention. They were available for you emotionally and physically, and maybe they seemed to be moving too fast. However, the affection stops as quickly as it starts.^{[6]
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- With this manipulation tactic, the toxic person coaxes you into caring for them, so it’ll be easier to influence you later.
- Learn to step away from people who are superficially charming or affectionate to protect yourself from love bombing.

8

How to Deal with a Toxic Person

Distance yourself from them if they make you feel worse about yourself. A true friend or partner will lift you up, not drag you down. If you suspect someone you know is toxic, confront them about their questionable behavior. If they continue disregarding your needs, it may be time to walk away. Here are some other ways to deal with toxic people:
- Step away from judgmental or harmful conversations by saying something like, “I don’t like where this conversation is going.”
- Set boundaries for yourself, so you’ll know when to step back from the relationship.^{[7]
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  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Consider going no contact if their toxicity continues to harm or control your life.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you turn the tables on a gaslighter?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Lean on your internal self-worth and confidence in your own feelings. A big problem with gaslighting is that the victim is not grounded enough in their sense of self to speak up against the gaslighter. If you don't believe that your feelings are valid, you're going to either believe the gaslighter or at least feel confused or unsure of what's happening.