How to Confront a Narcissist about Their Behavior

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: April 25, 2022 References

You just can’t take a narcissist’s toxic behavior anymore, but how do you confront them about it without sparking World War 3? Approaching a narcissistic coworker, friend, or family member can be intimidating, but staying assertive and calm makes a smooth conversation more likely. We’ve put together a list of the best psychology-backed ways to confront a narcissist. If you’re ready to speak up for yourself, read on!

1

Be assertive.

A narcissist always wants to be in control of a conversation. They assume they’re the most important person and don’t care about what others have to say. Force them to listen with strong eye contact, confident posture, and an even, firm tone. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Stay calm and polite no matter how they react.
- Narcissists are more likely to see assertive people as superiors rather than equals (and give them more attention).
- Assertiveness is the antidote to a narcissist’s warped superiority. They view other people as less important, competent, valuable, skilled, or special.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.}

2

Make your boundaries crystal clear.

Narcissists push your boundaries to see what they’ll get away with.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Directly tell them what you’re willing to do or what behavior you’ll accept from them. Stick to your guns—if they see you waver, they’ll keep pushing against you. If you’re firm and consistent, you have a chance of getting through to them.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Say things like “If you want me to do that, here are my terms” or “I’ve already told you what I’m willing to do. It’s up to you to work around that.”
- The narcissist will probably be upset that you’re setting boundaries with them. That’s OK—it’s not your job to control how they feel.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- Show you won’t accept verbally abusive behavior by hanging up the phone or leaving the room when they lash out.

3

Stay on track.

Narcissists monopolize conversations to avoid consequences. Don’t let them hijack the confrontation—keep circling back to the topic you want to discuss. Acknowledge their feelings and ideas to validate them, but don't get distracted by their lies, insults, interruptions, and self-victimization.^{[6]
X
Research source} Say:
- “I understand how you feel, but we need to sort this out now.”
- “I see why you feel that way, which is why I want to talk to you about this.”
- “That’s a good idea that I’m willing to try, but that’s not what we need to discuss now.”

4

Let their insults roll off your back.

Narcissists want a rise out of you to escalate the confrontation. If you react to their gaslighting and insults, they’ll point out your “bad behavior” and villainize you. Stay calm and ignore their attacks—the narcissist’s ability to control the conversation gets weaker when you stay neutral and unbothered.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Don’t take a narcissist’s insults personally. They do it to feel better about themselves and because they're deeply insecure.^{[8]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- Humor is a great way to turn an insult from a narcissist around. A quip about their behavior that makes them chuckle makes them temporarily adjust.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}

5

Keep it brief.

Drawn out confrontations mean more escalation or hurt feelings. Interactions with narcissists are often frustrating, depleting, and feel like you’re hitting your head against a wall.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Protect your sanity and take breaks if you need to—use the restroom, go for a walk, or find another excuse to get away.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Speak as little as possible—you have a better chance of getting through to the narcissist with short, direct sentences.
- To end a confrontation quickly, distract the narcissist by mentioning a topic they’re interested in or putting on a movie or TV they like to divert their attention.

6

Expect strong pushback.

Confronting a narcissist can lead to narcissistic rage. This is when a narcissist gets angry, aggressive, or passive-aggressive when their illusion of superiority and perfection is damaged. They might insult you, threaten violence, yell, or lie to make themselves look better. Be mentally prepared for a strong reaction and remember to stay calm and diplomatic.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Don’t yell or threaten them back and put physical distance between you if you feel unsafe. You can resume your discussion another time.
- Narcissists will use anything they know about you to insult you. During a rage, they might take jabs at your biggest fears and insecurities.

7

Stay unemotional.

Calm, factual responses get through better than emotional reactions. Keep a neutral facial expression and speak with an even tone. Don't bring up past personal experiences or feelings and focus on the current issue. Emotionless interactions are the most effective way to change their behavior.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- State what’s happening without adding judgment, like “You seem to be acting aggressively right now” or “There’s no reason to yell.”
- Tell them they’re acting like a narcissist (without calling them one).
- Give simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and try not to directly agree or disagree with them (say things like, “I can see that point of view”).

8

Call them out on their lies.

Pointing out their dishonesty disarms a narcissist. When they attempt to gaslight or lie to you (especially in front of others), tell them “You’ll do anything to make yourself seem right.” They’ll repeat the lie or make another false claim (it’s their #1 trick), so just call them out again—“see, you’re doing it again.”^{[14]
X
Research source}
- When the narcissist realizes that you (and anyone else watching) knows that they’re lying to prop themselves up, they’ll be humiliated.
- It might feel mean to do this, but remember this isn’t about your morals. It’s about letting a narcissist know that they can’t beat reality.

9

Hold them accountable to their promises.

Narcissists promise anything to get what they want in the present. It’s called future faking and it’s a manipulation tactic to get you off their back. Call out the deception head on and remind them of their promises. Tell them you won’t do anything for them until they follow through.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- Try stroking the narcissist's ego and tell them how appreciative everyone will be of them once the narcissist does what they said they’d do.

10

Tell them “no.”

Narcissists expect favors and special treatment from everyone all the time. One way to confront this behavior is to just say “no” more often. They’ll be shocked and try to persuade you to do things for them, but stay strong—your consistency will help firm up your boundaries with that person.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- They’ll try to make themselves a “victim” of your “cruel” refusal to help them. Ignore them and calmly continue to say “no.”
- It’s better to say no to something right away than to agree and then backpedal. They’ll use that as an excuse to attack your character or morals.

11

Point out bad behavior with clarifying questions.

Narcissists often don’t realize how irrational or hurtful they’re being. Ask them hard-hitting questions about what they say or think. When they clarify or explain, they’ll realize how illogical they were being and adjust (they’ll think they realized it first even though your question pointed it out).^{[17]
X
Research source} Ask things like:
- “Do you really think that’s the most straightforward idea?”
- “What exactly do you mean by that?”
- “Are you asking me to help you, or are you demanding that I help you?”

12

Pair criticism with a compliment.

It’s not shocking that a narcissist doesn’t take criticism well. Soften them up with a small compliment first. The validation will make them feel good while you follow up with a constructive critique. Try to end with another compliment, too. Narcissists are open to feedback when they don’t feel diminished.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- Be polite but very direct. For example, you could say, “Great job on that report for the Board meeting yesterday. Next time, it’d be great if you got it to me earlier so I could review it. Thanks for all your hard work!”
- You might need proof to justify your criticism. They can't deny killing your favorite monstera when you’re holding the dead plant right in front of them.^{[19]
  X
  Research source}

13

Create a strong support system.

Narcissists can make you feel insecure, confused, and hurt. Surround yourself with trusted friends and family to support you while you struggle with a narcissist. An honest conversation with someone who’s actually capable of being generous and reciprocal helps determine if your relationship with the narcissist is satisfying and worth saving.^{[20]
X
Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- Make time for yourself to enjoy your life outside of your relationship with the narcissist. It’s not your responsibility to change them or deal with their behavior.
- If you’re overwhelmed by a narcissist and your normal support network can’t help, a therapist or counselor can offer guidance on how best to work through it.