How to Outsmart a Narcissist

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: March 5, 2023 References Approved

Are you caught in the crosshairs of a narcissist? With their constant mental games, emotional abuse, and manipulation, it feels impossibly hard to get the upper hand in any conversation or interaction. There’s no need to worry, though—disarming and outsmarting a narcissist is definitely possible, as long as you have the right tools in your arsenal. We’ve put together plenty of tips and suggestions to help you get started, so you can put plenty of space between yourself and the narcissist in your life.

1

Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic supply is what motivates narcissists to act the way that they do. It’s a psychological term for the gratification that narcissists need to feel on a constant basis. Narcissists get this supply in a lot of different ways, like showing off, ignoring boundaries, or being extra negative.^{[1]
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Research source} You can cut off this supply by separating yourself as much as possible, like:
- Giving yourself plenty of “me-time” instead of being constantly available for a narcissistic partner
- Preventing a narcissistic ex-spouse from getting a bigger payout during the divorce proceedings^{[2]
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- Blocking the phone number of a narcissistic parent
- Putting in 100% effort each day when you work for a narcissistic boss^{[3]
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2

Take time to heal.

Healing from a narcissist is the best way to get the upper hand. A narcissist longs to be at the center of your thoughts and feelings—after all, that’s the ultimate form of control! Giving yourself the time and space to move on is the best way to break this link and outsmart the narcissist in your life once and for all. Some good ways to start healing from a narcissistic relationship are:
- Journaling your thoughts and feelings
- Reminding yourself that the abuse wasn’t your fault
- Practicing self-care
- Visiting a therapist^{[4]
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3

Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.

Taking responsibility helps you take control of the conversation. Some narcissists like to get gratification by being negative and putting others down.^{[5]
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Research source} Instead of butting heads, focus on taking responsibility for what you did wrong in the situation.^{[6]
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Research source} This open admission may change the momentum of the conversation, which takes the narcissist off-guard.
- Narcissistic Partner: “I can’t believe how messy the kitchen is. You never do anything to clean up around here.”
  You: “You’re right—I said I was going to do the dishes after dinner and I totally blanked. That’s on me!”
- Narcissistic Parent: “You have all this free time but you never seem to be able to make time for me.”
  You: “I understand where you’re coming from. I definitely lost track of time this past week, and I’m sorry that I forgot to give you a call.”
- In the past, many narcissists were berated when they showed any sign of weakness—because of this, they’re never willing to take the blame for anything. Knowing this special psychological insight can give you the upper hand in a conversation.

4

React with empathy and respect.

Outsmart the narcissist by refusing to stoop to their level. A narcissist thrives on conflict, and will take control of the conversation as soon as you get defensive or try to fight back. Instead, you can take control by making empathetic statements about the situation, which will help the narcissist calm down.^{[7]
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- Narcissistic Partner: “I can’t believe you forgot to pick me up from work! I can never rely on you.”
  You: “You must have felt really frustrated when you had to wait around from me. I can definitely understand why you felt that way.”
- Narcissistic Friend: “I can’t believe you couldn’t go with me to the movies yesterday.”
  You: “That must have been really annoying that you had to go see the movie by yourself.”

5

Act unresponsive around them.

Narcissists don’t get what they want when you act unaffected and unresponsive. A popular strategy for dealing with narcissists is the “Grey Rock Method”—this is where you disengage and separate yourself from the narcissist as much as possible, so you become as interesting as a “grey rock.”^{[8]
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Research source} Here are a few ways to incorporate this method into your daily life:
- Cut a conversation with a narcissistic co-worker short and excuse yourself to work on something else
- Give your narcissistic partner absolutely no reaction when they try to push your buttons
- Stay on topic if you’re having a conversation with a manipulative, narcissistic parent

6

Disengage from their conversations.

It’s hard to beat a narcissist in a one-on-one conversation. Narcissists are really good at dominating and controlling the dialogue of a conversation. With their powers of manipulation, they’ll always find a way to twist things back on you. By cutting your conversations short and taking a step back, you’re actually outsmarting them and getting the upper hand.^{[9]
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- “I have to run to the grocery store. I’ll be back later!”
- “Sorry, but I really have to finish up this assignment before the end of the day.”
- “Gotta go—this deadline isn’t going to meet itself!”

7

Set and enforce clear boundaries.

Deciding when and how you interact with a narcissist is a great way to outsmart them. Narcissists are always looking for ways to push your buttons and take control—by creating and enforcing clear boundaries, you’re taking this sense of control away from them. Think about what type of behavior you aren’t willing to put up with, and step away from the narcissist whenever they violate that boundary.^{[10]
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- “I don’t appreciate being name-called. I’m leaving the room until you can speak to me respectfully.”
- “Guilt-tripping is immature, and I’m not going to put up with it. I’m stepping back until you’re ready to have an actual conversation.”
- “You’re speaking to me in a disrespectful tone, and that’s not okay with me. I won’t continue this conversation until you can talk to me in a civil way.”

8

Hide your true intentions and goals from them.

Narcissists want to make your life as miserable as possible. They always want to get the upper hand, and will use and abuse any info they learn about you to get an extra advantage. Keep your cards to your chest and make misleading statements that distract the narcissist from what you really want.^{[11]
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- If you’re divorcing a narcissistic spouse, you might comment about how you want to keep the car when you’d really rather keep the house. Your spouse might try to sabotage your chances of getting the car as a means of control without realizing that they’re playing into your hand.

9

Stay calm.

A narcissist wants you to lose your cool when they push your buttons. Narcissists love to be in control of their relationships, and will try to bait others into toxic conversations to stay on top. In these conversations, the best way you can outsmart a narcissist is by not taking the bait to begin with. When they try to escalate the conversation, try:^{[12]
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- Complimenting them (“I’m always impressed by your focus and attention to detail.”)
- Asking for their opinion (“How would you have done this differently?”)
- Using “we” statements (“I think we both said things that we regret.”)

10

Lean on your support system to validate your reality.

Narcissists are well-known for gaslighting, or making you doubt your own reality. An easy way to outsmart a gaslighting narcissist is by checking in with your friends and loved ones. Explain what the narcissist said to you, and let them validate what you’ve experienced.^{[13]
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- “Kyle said some really cruel things to me last night, but then told me I was ‘too sensitive’ when I called him out on it. Was I overreacting?”
- “I confronted Angie about what I found out, and she said that I was imagining things. Do you think that’s true, or is she just trying to gaslight me?”

11

Go “no contact” with them.

Distance and space are the best ways to outsmart and escape from a narcissist. Narcissists thrive on control and access to your life—but they don’t have either of those things when you completely cut them out. Going “no contact,” or removing them from every aspect of your life, is the healthiest, most permanent way to outsmart a narcissist.^{[14]
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Research source} You can go no-contact by:
- Blocking them from your phone and social media
- Steering clear of any mutual friends
- Not allowing yourself to think about them^{[15]
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- Going “no contact” might not be a feasible option at the moment if you’re stuck in abusive relationship. If you can’t leave your partner right away, start making an escape plan for the future.^{[16]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Do narcissists have empathy?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

Unfortunately, narcissists have deficits in empathy. Things that are intuitive to most people, like asking about other people, don't occur to a narcissist. They're just too focused on themselves.