When a Narcissist Loses Control: What to Expect and How to Get Control Back

Since narcissists crave control, you may be worried about how they’ll react when they lose it. It’s time you take your power back, and we’re here to help you. We’ll tell you how a narcissist typically reacts when they can’t control you, as well as how and why they act controlling. Additionally, we’ll give you a few tips for taking charge of your life after dealing with a narcissist.

Things You Should Know

  • A narcissist is likely to be enraged when they begin to lose control. They may lash out at you, go on a smear campaign, or purposefully ignore you.
  • They may also lovebomb you to reel you back in. Their main goal is to get your attention, provoke a response, and regain power.
  • Lean on family, friends, and support professionals if you need help leaving a relationship with a narcissist.
  • To maintain your own power, go no contact or use the grey rock method.
Section 1 of 4:

What happens when a narcissist loses control?

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    They’ll likely lash out in anger. When you pull away, a narcissist sees it as an act of aggression. In response, they’ll often fly into a narcissistic rage.[1] It’s totally unfair to you that they’re acting this way, so try not to take it personally. Protect yourself by keeping your distance from this person.
    • They might yell or call you names.
    • If they send you aggressive text messages, block them if you can. They’re just saying whatever they think will hurt you.
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    They’ll often go on a smear campaign. Narcissists are happy to spread rumors and lies—even if they know the stories aren’t true. When they realize they can’t control you anymore, they’ll may decide to punish you by ruining your reputation or turning people against you.[2] You totally don’t deserve this, and it can be really painful to deal with this kind of betrayal. Right now, surround yourself with people who care about you so you have a good support system.
    • Tell people your side of the story so they have both perspectives. They might not believe you right away, but people may eventually see through the narcissist’s lies.
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    They’ll lie about what happened and blame you. A narcissist is incapable of accepting responsibility for what they’ve done. Once they realize you’re done with them, they’ll tell everyone that you’re the one who messed up. They may even blame you for things they did.[3] You can’t control what people think, but trust that the people who care about you will be there for you.
    • A narcissist might blame you for stealing credit for a work assignment, even though they’re the one who took your idea.
    • They might claim that you make everything about you, when they’re the one who’s always making it about them.
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    They’ll probably try to trigger you. Narcissists love to provoke an emotional response in you so they can make it look like you’re the one who blows up. They’ll lie to you, call you names, or set you up for disappointment, hoping that you’ll explode. They want you to yell or storm off, so don’t give them the satisfaction.[4] Instead, count to 10, breathe deeply, or go to your happy place.
    • They might ask you to meet at 2:00 p.m. but show up at 3:00 p.m. so you’ll be frustrated and upset.
    • Similarly, they may tell you something they know will upset you, hoping you’ll boil over.
    • When they do these things, they’ll usually stay calm so that it looks like your anger is unwarranted. In reality, they’ve pushed all of your buttons.
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    They might love bomb you to get you back under control. Narcissists won’t tolerate you walking away from them. Because of this, they may try to lure your back by switching up their tactics.[5] When they love bomb you, they’ll shower you with compliments, idealize you, and focus all their attention on you.[6] Just ignore their efforts to suck you back in because they’ll just mistreat you again.
    • If they try love bombing you, they’ll suddenly be really nice to you. They may even say things like, “I really care about you,” or “I can’t imagine life without you. I’ll do anything.” They don’t really mean it, though.
    • They’ll usually stop trying to charm you after you go back to the way things were before.[7] They just want to feel in control again.
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    They may try to humiliate you publicly. Embarrassment is a common way narcissists punish. They’ll be happy to share your secrets with others, and they’ll enjoy making cruel jokes at your expense. When you get upset, they’ll say something dismissive like, “I was just joking,” or “I’m only teasing.” Instead of getting upset, ask them to explain why the story or joke is funny to keep them on their toes.[8]
    • “I don’t get the joke. Why is that funny?”
    • “Wow, I never saw that as a funny story. Why does it amuse you?”
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    They’ll probably try to ruin special moments, like holidays. A narcissistic family member, friend, or partner can wreak havoc on your special occasions. They’ll start fights, show up late, and spread gossip. They may even pretend to forget your birthday or might refuse to give you your gift. If this happens, consider spending the holidays without them.[9]
    • Gather with your other friends or family members.
    • Plan a special holiday or birthday trip for yourself or your friend group.
    • Spend your birthday at a spa.
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    They may ignore you and pretend they don't care. Attention is super important to a narcissist, so they may decide that pulling away from you is the best way to punish you.[10] They may focus their attention on other people as they pretend that you’re not in their life at all. As part of this plan, they might give you the silent treatment if you try to talk to them.[11] Just let them go because your life is better without them.
    • Deep down inside, it’s driving them nuts that you’re taking back your control. They want to make you upset, so try not to let their antics get to you.
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    They might try to break your confidence. Narcissists don’t want to see you strong and independent. Because of this, they might increase their insults to make you feel bad.[12] They could even tell you that people are gossiping behind your back. You already know this person is toxic, so dismiss whatever they tell you because it’s probably not true.
    • You might nod and say, “Thanks for the tip,” or “I hadn’t heard that.” Then, change the subject.
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    They may even threaten you. In some cases, narcissistic rage can get dangerous. You might not need to worry, but take their threats seriously and put your safety first.[13] Here’s how you might handle the situation.
    • A family member or friend: Limit or cut off your contact with them. Additionally, tell your family and friends what’s going on with this person, and notify the police if you think they might act on the threats.
    • A partner: Make a safety plan with your family and friends. Then, start taking steps to get out of the relationship.
    • A coworker: Talk to your supervisor or human resources representative about what’s going on. You might say, “I’m feeling unsafe because Alex sent me this disturbing text message,” or “I’m worried because Sami just threatened me.” They can help you stay safe at work.
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    They might resort to stalking you. While it’s less common, narcissists sometimes retaliate by following and harassing you. Not only will they show up to your favorite places, they’ll also send you tons of texts and leave you messages. They may even post your private information, including revealing photos, online.[14]
    • Report this type of behavior to the police immediately so you can keep yourself safe. They can advise you on the laws in your area.
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Section 2 of 4:

How do narcissists control you?

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    They start by love bombing you, but then they pull away. At first, a narcissist showers you with attention and possibly even gifts.[15] They’ll compliment you to make you feel wonderful. Once you get used to the high they give you, they’ll withdraw that affection. When this happens, you’ll do anything to get the love bombing back.[16]
    • In a relationship with a narcissist, the initial stage of idealization is very intense. They make you feel incredibly flattered, and convince you quite quickly that you are soulmates.
    • They’ll say things like, “You're the most wonderful person I’ve ever met,” or “You’re the only one I’ve ever truly loved.”
    • Anyone can fall for a narcissist because love bombing is so seductive.
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    They’ll lie and gaslight you. Narcissists will say anything to get what they want. They’ll often use lies to make you question yourself and your sanity, which is called gaslighting. By lying, they can draw you into their world and make you doubt your own thoughts. Once this happens, it’s easier for them to manipulate you.[17]
    • They might say things like, “That didn’t happen,” “No, what I said was this,” or “You’re overthinking things.”
    • You shouldn’t feel bad about believing a narcissist’s lies because it can happen to anyone. They’re taking advantage of your good nature.
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    They’ll often belittle you to lower your confidence. A narcissist wants to keep you coming back to them, and they want to feel like they’re superior to you. To achieve this, they’ll make fun of you, reveal “flaws” they’ve noticed in you, and call you names. They’re trying to make you feel like they’re the only person who will care about you, which is just not true.[18]
    • They’ll say stuff like, “This skirt really slims out your wide hips,” or “I don’t know why people think you’re annoying. I like you.”
    • Reach out to your friends or family so they can remind you how amazing you are.
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    They’ll use guilt and shame to wear you down. A narcissist sees the goodness inside of you, and they want to exploit it. They’ll try to make you feel sorry for them so you’ll give them whatever they want. All of this is part of their game to keep you under their control. Try to remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for anyone else, especially not someone who’s using you.[19]
    • They may say, “You weren’t there for me when I needed you,” or “You made me cry last night.”
    • You could respond with, “I’m sorry that happened.” Then, change the subject.
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    They might throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. You might feel like you’re dealing with a toddler when a narcissist is disappointed. They’ll call you names, accuse you of things you didn’t do, or claim that they’re having an emotional crisis. All of this is meant to make you shift into a defensive mode so you’ll give into them.[20] Instead, offer them some quiet time to calm down.
    • “I can see you’re really upset. I’m going to give you some space to work through your feelings.”
    • “I understand how you feel. Let’s take a break so you can process this.”
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Section 3 of 4:

Why are narcissists so controlling?

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    They see you as a character in their story. Narcissists live in their own world where they’re the star. Because of this, it feels natural for them to manage your life and emotions. They don’t see you as an independent person with your own hopes and dreams.[21] Instead, they regard you as a “second class” person relative to themselves.
    • When you take back your control, it’s a threat to this world they’ve created. That’s why they lash out so much.
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    They feel entitled. Narcissists think they’re special, which means they deserve VIP treatment. They expect to get everything they want, so they’re shocked when someone tells them “no.” It’s unthinkable to them that you wouldn’t just give them whatever they want.[22]
    • Narcissists even expect you to know what they want even when they don’t tell you. They set an impossible bar to meet.
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    They’re afraid of abandonment. While narcissists often seem confident, deep down inside they worry they aren’t good enough. They fear losing everyone, so they manipulate people to stay in control. None of this is your fault, but they may try to make you feel guilty.[23]
    • Ironically, their behavior is pushing people away. It’s really sad, but that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your own happiness for theirs.
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Section 4 of 4:

Take Back Control from a Narcissist

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    Go no-contact if you can. It’s very unlikely that a narcissist will change, so protect yourself by cutting off all contact. Stop going to places you think you’ll run into them, and block them on your phone and social media accounts. If you stick to it, you’ll be able to quickly regain your independence from them.[24]
    • You may need to block mutual friends if they start to talk to you on the narcissist’s behalf.
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    Go grey rock with people you can’t cut off. You may not be able to go no-contact with someone if you share kids with them, they’re a close relative, or you work together. With the grey rock technique, you act really boring so the narcissist gets tired of you. Here’s how you do it:[25]
    • Keep your interactions short.
    • Keep your face neutral.
    • Hold your arms at your sides.
    • Stop sharing personal information.
    • Only talk about required topics, like your kids, an upcoming holiday, or a work project.
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    Set boundaries. Your boundaries are your expectations for a relationship—what you will and won’t accept. Sit down with the narcissist and tell them what you want them to stop doing, as well as what will happen if they violate your boundary. Don’t worry about explaining yourself because you don’t need a reason to ask for respect.[26] You might set these boundaries:
    • “If you call me names, I’m ending the conversation.”
    • “I’ll only talk to you if you speak at a moderate volume.”
    • “I’m going to end the meeting if you bring up my personal life.”
    • “I only want to talk if it’s about the kids.”
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    Make your own decisions. Narcissists love to make choices for you, but they don’t have your best interests at heart. You don’t need approval from anyone but yourself. Do what makes you happy and decide what's right for you because it’s your life.[27]
    • If the narcissist tries to convince you otherwise, say, “This feels right to me,” or “I hear you, but I’m going to stick with my original decision.”
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Warnings

  • Some narcissists can become cruel or dangerous when they go into a narcissistic rage. Always put your safety first and distance yourself from someone who’s abusive.[28]
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References

  1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545840/
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202201/5-steps-surviving-narcissists-smear-campaign
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/10/5-terrifying-ways-narcissists-and-psychopaths-manufacture-chaos-provoke-and-manipulate-you#7
  5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201811/all-you-should-know-about-narcissistic-love-bombing
  7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/01/five-ways-a-narcissist-comes-unglued#1
  9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/02/11-manipulation-and-sabotage-tactics-of-narcissists-sociopaths-psychopaths-part-2
  1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
  2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/10/5-terrifying-ways-narcissists-and-psychopaths-manufacture-chaos-provoke-and-manipulate-you#7
  3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2020/02/narcissist-inferior#1
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/02/11-manipulation-and-sabotage-tactics-of-narcissists-sociopaths-psychopaths-part-2
  5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/02/11-manipulation-and-sabotage-tactics-of-narcissists-sociopaths-psychopaths-part-2
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201811/all-you-should-know-about-narcissistic-love-bombing
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202103/8-insidious-ways-narcissists-try-control-you
  8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/04/5-manipulation-tactics-narcissistic-parents-use-to-control-their-adult-children#1
  9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
  10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202103/8-insidious-ways-narcissists-try-control-you
  12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2017/11/abandonment-fears-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-bpd-at-the-core#2
  15. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  16. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-gray-rock-technique-for-managing-difficult-people#1
  17. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
  18. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  19. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545840/

About This Article

Jay Reid, LPCC
Co-authored by:
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. This article has been viewed 37,870 times.
19 votes - 38%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: October 25, 2022
Views: 37,870
Categories: Personality Disorders | Social Nuisances
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