How to Deal With a Sociopath

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Last Updated: February 4, 2023 Approved

Sociopaths come off as charming and personable, but once you get to know them their true personalities are revealed. If you know someone who's manipulative and remorseless, it's important to deal with the situation so you won't end up feeling emotionally drained. There's no sense in trying to argue with a sociopath; the better approach is to show the person you're too intelligent to fall prey to their schemes.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding a Sociopath

1
Recognize the signs that someone is sociopathic. Sociopaths have a personality disorder that prevents them from feeling empathy for others. Although they often seem friendly and likable, they use their charm to get people to do things for them. The following traits are common among sociopaths:^{[1]
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- Superficial charm; everyone seems to like them.
- Lack of remorse; they don't feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Lack of empathy; they don't seem to care when someone else is hurt.
- Propensity to lie; they do it casually, like it's nothing.
- Incapacity for love; those closest to them realize something is missing.
- Egocentricity; they light up when they're the center of attention.
- Delusions of grandeur; they often perceive themselves as superior to others.
2
Understand what drives a sociopath. Sociopaths aren't driven by the desire to make the world a better place, help others or be accountable in their closest relationships. "Doing the right thing" is not a motivator for a sociopath; rather, sociopaths are motivated by having power over other people and using it to get what they want: more power, money, casual sex and so on.^{[2]
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- Even if a sociopath takes an action that appears to be good-hearted or kind, there's usually an ulterior motive.
- Sociopaths often cheat on their partners, since they don't feel guilt for doing so.
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3
Realize that sociopaths are expert manipulators. They're dangerous because they're capable of making people do whatever they want. Sociopaths use a variety of strategies to cause people in their lives to do things for them. They often pit people against each other to achieve their own ends, or have others lie for them to cover up the truth.
- Sociopaths are often at the center of love triangles, or the people to break up a marriage.
- In a workplace setting, they might undermine coworkers to make themselves look good in front of the boss.
- In a friend circle, a sociopath might cause drama that forces people to take sides, while they coolly control the entire situation.
4
Don't expect a sociopath to care about your feelings. A sociopath does not care who gets used or hurt, because sociopaths have no conscience or scruples against taking gross advantage of your kindness and goodwill. A key characteristic of a sociopath is that they can not comprehend that others have feelings or can be hurt by their actions.
- Sociopaths don't change to become empathetic. No amount of "talking it through" or giving the person extra chances is going to make them a better person.
- If you can distance yourself enough to realize it's not really about you, you'll have more power to stand up to the sociopath.
5
To deal with a sociopath, be strong and calm. Once you recognize that someone in your life is a sociopath, you'll be able to see what drives the person and where their weak points are. If you try to handle the person like you would someone without a personality disorder, you'll just end up getting frustrated or pulled back into the person's drama.^{[3]
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- When you interact with a sociopath, keep your guard up and resist the temptation to talk it out or change the person.
- Remember that sociopaths aren't motivated by love, but by power, so you want to show them you won't give them power over you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

1
Consider avoiding the person completely. Sociopaths aren't easy to deal with, so if you can cut the person out of your life, that might be best. Your relationship with the person isn't likely to improve. If you're dating someone you think might be a sociopath, or if the person is a friend, you should strongly consider breaking off the relationship.
- This is especially true if you have an empathetic, sensitive type of personality. Sociopaths prey on this personality type, so get out while you can.^{[4]
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- In some cases, though, it's impossible to break things off. Maybe the sociopath is your boss at work, or worse, your parent, child or sibling. If that's the case, you'll need to learn effective ways to handle yourself around the person.
2
Put up your guard. Don't let yourself be caught off-guard in a vulnerable situation when the sociopath is around. Showing your real emotions will make you a target, since the sociopath will see you as someone who can be easily manipulated. When you have to interact with the person, show that you're completely in control of yourself.
- Try putting on a cheerful face whenever the sociopath is around. Even if you're not feeling particularly cheerful that day, you don't want to reveal your true mood to the person.
- It's important to show that you're not someone who's easily cracked or swayed. If you're feeling vulnerable, try to stay away from the person for the day.
3
Be skeptical about anything the person tells you. Remember that sociopaths are highly skilled at pushing people's buttons to get a rise out of them. If you anticipate this before it happens, you'll be less likely to become a victim of the sociopath's manipulations. Stay calm and casual no matter what the person says.
- For example, you might be having a perfectly fine morning at work when your sociopath coworker comes up to you and tells you the boss has a big problem with your latest report. Don't believe what the sociopath tells you until you hear it straight from your boss's mouth.
- Or the sociopath in your group of friends might casually tell you about a party you weren't invited to. Wait until you get the story from someone else before you react.
4
Carry on a neutral conversation. Instead of letting the sociopath do all the talking, speak up and take the conversation where you want it to go. That way you can keep it in comfortable territory, never giving the person a chance to catch you off-guard with some kind of barb. Agree with the person in complimentary ways whenever you can.
- Talk, talk, talk, about anything and everything that is neutral and safe, like weather, sports, and so on.
- Continuously change the subject (especially if they say something to try to harass you) and try not to have any long moments of silence.
5
Never share personal information. Never talk about your family, friends, business, finances, dreams, goals, and so on. Sociopaths want to use you, your loved ones, your resources and your connections. To prevent the person from getting what they want, show that you don't have anything up for grabs.
- If what the person wants from you is your money, don't let it be easy to find. A sociopath will open your bank statements and look at your account without your permission, so be careful to keep your records secure. Create the impression that you do not have a lot of money and that your friends and family do not have a lot of money, so you won't be seen as a target.
- If the person wants power, create the impression that you are not well connected.
- If they want to use you, make yourself less desirable.
6
Avoid talking about what makes you happy or upset. If the person knows what you truly love and enjoy, or what makes you angry and sad, they can use that information as a weapon against you.
- Avoid complaining, since any information about your weaknesses, things that cause you mental, emotional or psychological pain, or anything that annoys, bothers or hurts you they will use as arsenal to terrorize you.
- Don't let the person know when your feelings are hurt. The sociopath will be more likely to repeat the behavior so you'll get hurt again.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Protecting Yourself

1
Keep your cards close to your chest. If a sociopath knows your plans ahead of time, they might use that knowledge to harass, belittle, discourage or humiliate you. If you plan to do something, don't tell the sociopath about it ahead of time. Wait until you have completed your task before sharing the information.
- For example, if you plan to change jobs, first take the exam, go to the interview, get the new job and resign from the old job before you share the good news with the sociopath. Once the event has already taken place, they won't be able to find a way to keep you from doing well.
- If you live or work with the sociopath, use periods of time when they are out of the office or away from home to make small purchases, make small changes or get things done.
2
Show the sociopath that you're on to them. If you want a sociopath out of your life completely, they have to realize you aren't going to be duped. The sociopath will eventually give up and move on to another easier target.
- Do not react when the person harasses you.
- Calmly call the person out when they blatantly lie.
- Show that you're not susceptible to their manipulations.
3
Do not become indebted to a sociopath. One major way that sociopaths get people to do their bidding is by creating a situation that gives them power. Don't do anything that the sociopath could later use to control your behavior. For example,
- Don't borrow money from a sociopath.
- Don't accept gifts in any form. If the person wants to "put in a good word for you" with the boss, politely decline.
- Don't accept help in any form.
- Don't do anything for which you might later feel the need to apologize.
4
Document harassment if it takes place. If you feel the person is trying to undermine you, it's important to start collecting evidence. Since sociopaths are often quite popular, you might find yourself in a situation where no one believes you unless you have proof that you're being wronged. Save emails and other correspondence so you can share it with the other parties involved if need be.
- Be careful how you document your interactions with the person. Recording someone without their knowledge is a felony in some states. If you're being harassed and you need to gather proof, you may want to first speak with an attorney to figure out the best course of action.
5
Get professional help. If you feel emotionally susceptible to the sociopath, and they are having a negative impact on your life, it will help to talk about it with someone who isn't involved. Seek the help of a therapist or psychologist who can help you work through what's happening and give you more tools to deal with the sociopath.

Expert Q&A

Question

Do sociopaths want to change?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

There's an overwhelming amount of evidence that true sociopaths don't change. In fact, therapy and other types of treatment can make them worse. The only time to intervene is if it were an adolescent possibly on that track. Some interventions may help in childhood and adolescence that can help a person avoid developing the full-blown disorder, but this is not the case in adults.

Warnings

Avoidance is the best way to deal with a sociopath. If total avoidance is not an option, then try to pull authority figures into your life and try to keep these people close, refer to them often in front of the psychopath. Mention you tell everything about your life to these people. Psychopaths don't feel comfortable around police or mental health workers (doctors).

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