11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: December 21, 2022 References Approved

Narcissists are calculating, controlling individuals that don’t get thrown off very often. It’s not impossible to confuse one, though—when you take away their ability to manipulate, they often don’t know how to react and will freeze or panic with surprise. We’ve put together a list of psychology-backed ways to disarm and confuse a narcissist to avoid arguments and help you establish boundaries with one. If you’re ready to combat their egocentric behavior, read on!

1

Be unpredictable.

Narcissists are comfortable when they know what to expect from you. They work hard to learn how to get certain reactions (mostly praise) out of you because their self-worth is defined by what others think. When you do or say something unpredictable, they completely unravel because their primary defense mechanism—knowing how to play you—is gone.^{[1]
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Research source} Throw them off their game by:
- Changing how you react to their grandiose claims (if you typically push back, try randomly agreeing with them to confuse them).
- Taking a new leadership position over them if you’re coworkers or classmates.
- Suddenly showing them little or no reaction to their behavior.

2

Say “no” when they ask for favors.

Narcissists expect other people to do things for them. They’re selfish and lack empathy, which makes them feel entitled to special treatment from everyone. Start saying “no” to their requests—they won’t know how to react to the rejection at first and will be shocked to have to manage on their own.^{[2]
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- They’ll try to persuade you to regain control of you. Stay firm and stick to your boundaries—backpedaling is an invitation for them to keep poking.
- Switching up when you say “yes” and when you say “no” is a good way to make yourself unpredictable and keep the narcissist on their toes.

3

Remove all emotion from your reactions to them.

A narcissist wants you to blow up so they can villainize you. They’ll point to your outburst as evidence that you’re mean or volatile. Confuse them by keeping your cool—put on a neutral face, speak calmly, and stick to the facts. Don’t mention anything about how you feel or bring up past emotional experiences with them.^{[3]
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Research source} Disarm the narcissist by:
- Non-judgmentally commenting on what’s happening, like “There isn’t a reason to be upset right now” or “Your behavior seems aggressive.”
- Giving them simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and trying not to directly agree or disagree with them.
- Keeping your body language relaxed and unbothered.

4

Bore them with the “gray rock” treatment.

It’s exactly what it sounds like—be as useless and boring as a gray rock. Narcissists only keep people around to use them or to entertain themselves. If you don’t have anything to offer them, they’ll get puzzled and leave you alone. Don't show any physical expression, respond in as few words as possible, and be as boring and unhelpful as you can be.^{[4]
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- This is a great, subtle tactic to use when you’re stuck with a narcissist and can’t remove yourself from the situation.
- The narcissist will poke and prod to get some kind of rise out of you. Eventually, they’ll leave you alone to seek attention from someone else.

5

Guard your sensitive information closely.

Narcissists gather information about you to insult or extort you later. They’ll find ways to twist your secrets, past experiences, or insecurities to their own advantage. Be an enigma to them and offer no personal information about yourself. The less they have on you, the more confused they’ll be by you.^{[5]
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- It’s hard to withhold information if you live with a narcissistic family member or partner. Try to only share what’s necessary.
- Keep conversations brief and avoid personal topics like your childhood or love life. Always speak carefully when you answer their questions about you.
- It’s hard for a narcissist to misquote silence. When in doubt, just stop talking to them.

6

Walk away while they’re talking.

A narcissist is strongest when they're in the room talking at you. Their game is mostly verbal, so confuse them by simply not playing along. Look for ways mid-chat to leave them hanging—use the restroom, fake a phone call, or find an excuse to end the conversation. They’ll doubt their manipulative abilities if they can’t hold you in a conversation.^{[6]
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- Disengaging is a self-care tactic too. Talking with a narcissist can often feel frustrating, depleting, and like you’re hitting your head against a wall.
- If they start to yell or get verbally abusive, leave the room or hang up the phone to reinforce that you will not let them talk that way to you.

7

Cut off all communication.

Narcissists get confused when people don’t want to talk to them. They’re the ones that are used to discarding people—it’s how they eventually end relationships once someone stops being useful to them. When it happens in reverse, they feel defeated and panicked. Don’t answer their calls, texts, or DM’s, or interact with them at all if you can help it.^{[7]
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- The more desperate they are for attention, the uglier their attempts to reach you will be.
- Going “no contact” is a tool many narcissists use to passive-aggressively manipulate others. They’ll be thrown off by a taste of their own medicine.

8

Point out their dishonesty directly.

It's rare when someone calls out a narcissist for their lies and gaslighting. They’re used to everyone believing them or just going along with it. Be blunt and tell them, “You’ll say anything to seem right.” They’ll flail and lie again to save face, so just call them out again (“See? You just did it again!”).^{[8]
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- This tactic is even more effective if you do it while other people are around to witness it.
- Shattering a narcissist’s perfect image halts them in their tracks. The cognitive dissonance between reality and their inner thoughts makes it hard for them to volley back at you.

9

Ask them questions about their faulty logic.

Narcissists say unbelievable or strange things without realizing it. A simple clarifying question directed back at them will give them pause. They’ll often do a total 180 and change opinions, ideas, or stories when they realize how bizarre their claims were.^{[9]
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Research source} Ask them things like:
- “Can you explain that timeline again? It sounds like you were in 2 places at the same time…”
- “Did you mean to take all the credit for a team project, or was that an accident?”
- “Are you asking me to help you with the yardwork, or just to do it all for you?”

10

Steal the spotlight from them.

Narcissists falter when validation is pulled out from under them. They desperately need it because of how low their self-esteem secretly is. Take away their narcissistic supply by putting yourself (or someone else) in the spotlight. The narcissist will be confused when they see others getting validation that they think belongs to them.^{[10]
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Research source} Try:
- Clarifying who the narcissist has to share credit with for projects or group assignments.
- Prompting someone to share a similar, more interesting story than the narcissist’s at a party.
- Reminiscing about a time you outperformed or beat the narcissist as something they claim to be great at.

11

Be their biggest competitor.

Narcissists are bewildered when somebody beats or outperforms them. It just doesn’t fit with their constructed fantasy. They discourage competition by making others feel less important, capable, valuable, skilled, or special. Prove them wrong by outdoing them in an area they want to dominate—they won’t believe their eyes.
- It could be as simple as beating them in a board game or recreational sport.
- Outperform them or earn a promotion over them at work to show they have to take you seriously as a professional.
- Taking any kind of leadership role over them at school, at work, or in the community will force them to look at you as a superior.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do narcissists suddenly act nice?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

When you start to pull away, narcissists will try to suck you back in. They may suddenly be really nice to you to bait you. However, they'll go back to their old ways after you get comfortable again.

Warnings

Challenging a narcissist’s lies can lead to narcissistic rage (intense anger or aggression in response to a setback that breaks their illusion of superiority). They may become verbally or even physically abusive during this time.^{[11]
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Narcissistic collapse happens when a narcissist doesn’t receive their narcissistic supply for long periods of time. They may become increasingly anxious or depressed, engage in self-harm, fly into a narcissistic rage, or exhibit erratic and unusual behavior.^{[12]
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