How to Beat a Narcissist

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: September 7, 2022 References

Are you ready to take your power back from a narcissist? Narcissists are arrogant, self-centered, and manipulative, so it’s impossible for them to understand your perspective. How can you shut them down? We’re here to help you beat a narcissist at their own game. We’ll walk you through everything you can do to defeat the narcissist in your life.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Go limited or no-contact if you can.

Narcissists don’t change, and they take a toll on your mental health. In some cases, it’s best to end your relationship. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible. Consider your unique situation to figure out what’s best for you.^{[1]
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- If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, plan your exit before you leave. Make sure you know where you will stay and don’t tell the narcissist you’re leaving until you’re already gone so they can’t stop you.
- If your parent or friend is a narcissist, you might stop taking their calls and texts. Alternatively, you might decide to talk to them once a week or once a month.
- If your coworker is a narcissist, limit your interactions with them to business tasks.

2

Stay calm when they’re trying to upset you.

Narcissists actively try to rile you up so you act out. It’s all part of their game, so they win when you get upset. Do your best to ignore their rude comments and criticisms. Additionally, take control of the situation by calming yourself down.^{[2]
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Research source} Try counting to 10, deep breathing, or picturing your happy place.
- You could also repeat positive affirmations to yourself, such as “I am calm,” “I have peace,” or “The universe is on my side.”
- You might also imagine the narcissist in a ridiculous outfit to make it easier to laugh off whatever horrible thing they’re saying to you.

3

Use “we” language to get them on your side.

A narcissist only cares about one person—themselves. In their mind, they’re never wrong, and they couldn’t care less about what you think. Fortunately, you can trick them into going along with you by using the word “we” instead of “I” or “you.” “We” language can actually defuse fights and get them to do things.^{[3]
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- Beat them in a fight by saying things like, “We seem to have gotten off track. Let’s change topics,” or “We both care about this a lot. Maybe we should move on to something else.”
- Get them to do something by saying, “We need to finish this report by the end of the day,” or “We have a big mess to clean up in here.”

4

Give praise and compliments to neutralize them.

Flattery is the trick to getting what you want from a narcissist. They already think they’re better than everyone else, so you don’t need to worry about over-inflating their ego. Simply smile and point out their best qualities. If you can’t think of anything, it’s okay to use generic compliments because the narcissist won’t care.^{[4]
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Research source} You could say:
- “You’re so smart!”
- “You always seem to know what to say.”
- “Great job today.”

5

Say something nice before you give criticism.

Narcissists completely lose it when you point out their flaws. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes necessary to deliver criticism, especially if you work with the narcissist. To soften the blow, give them a compliment before you tell them what’s wrong. It also helps to word the criticism in the most positive way possible.^{[5]
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- At work, you might say something like, “You're the best analyst we have here. Your reports do a great job at covering the facts, but we’d like more details to round them out.”
- If your partner is a narcissist, you could say something like, “I love the paint job you did in the living room. I can tell you’ve been working super hard on the bathroom, but I think the trim needs an extra coat of paint.”
- If you have a narcissistic relative, you might say, “You’re so kind to watch the kids. They loved watching a movie with you last time, but I was hoping you could skip the second pack of candy this time.”

6

Let them feel accomplished to minimize drama.

Bragging about your own achievements will set off a narcissist. They want to believe they’re the best and will do anything to one-up you. There’s no need to put yourself down to please the narcissist. Just don’t rub your successes in their face so you don’t have to deal with their drama.^{[6]
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- If your partner is a narcissist, focus on how your achievements help both of you. You might say, “We did this together,” or “I’m so happy we’re doing so well.”
- If your relative is a narcissist, you might not tell them directly about your accomplishments or good news. Let them learn about it through the grapevine.
- With a coworker, don’t brag about promotions, new assignments, or achievements.
- If they start trying to top you, just say something like, “Sounds cool,” or “That’s awesome.” In most cases, they’ll feel validated enough to move on to a new topic.

7

Trust yourself instead of buying into their lies.

Don’t let the narcissist make you doubt what you know. Narcissists will try to gaslight you into thinking that you misunderstood something or are remembering things wrong. They may also just outright lie to you. Beat their game by believing your gut and trusting in your own perceptions.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- When they start gaslighting you, respond with something like, “I understand you see it that way,” or “I respect your opinion.” Usually, this will shut them down.

8

Ignore them instead of calling out their behavior.

There’s no point in confronting or reporting a narcissist. Unfortunately, this will only escalate the situation. They’ll say you made it all up, all while remaining as cool as a cucumber. It’s so frustrating to have to deal with them, but you can neutralize a lot of their toxic behaviors by ignoring them.^{[8]
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Research source} A narcissist can only fool people for so long, so you don’t need to worry about exposing them.
- At work, you may be tempted to report your narcissistic coworker for lying or for insulting you. They’ll just try to turn things around on you and prolong the drama. Don’t let them suck you in.
- Similarly, your narcissistic relative might be spreading rumors to create problems between you and other relatives. If you confront them, they’ll only deny it and start more conflict.
- A narcissistic partner might criticize your cooking to make you feel bad about yourself. They’re only going to double-down if you confront them, but they’ll lose interest if you brush off what they say.

9

End arguments with a vague response.

Narcissists will never admit they're wrong, so arguments just escalate. Because they’re so arrogant and self-centered, it’s impossible to get them to own up to mistakes. They simply won’t do it. Save yourself the time and energy by refusing to argue. It’s the fastest way to shut them down.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- At work, you might say, “I hear you,” or “I understand your point.”
- If you’re talking to your partner or relative, you could say, “Mmmhmm,” “Okay,” or “Cool.”

10

Ask about their interests to change the topic.

Narcissists love to hear themselves talk. They’re also less likely to criticize you if they’re monologuing about a favorite topic. Use this tactic to neutralize your narcissistic relative, coworker, or acquaintance. Try to pick a topic that interests you, too, so you’re not bored.^{[10]
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Research source} Say something like:
- “You’re practically an expert on the space program. I was hoping you could tell me about the Mission to Mars and when it might happen.”
- “You seem to know so much about history. Can you tell me about your favorite time period?”
- “I heard you like to write. What do you normally write about?”
- "I was really impressed by your last presentation. Can you tell me more about it?"

11

Focus on the future so you don’t trigger them.

Even if they hurt you, it’s best not to bring it up. Chances are, they don’t even remember what they did. In fact, narcissists are actually bad at remembering things because they’re so focused on themselves.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Vent to a friend or therapist about how the narcissist has treated you instead of discussing it with them.
- Let’s say your coworker has stolen credit from you in the past. It’s better to just focus on getting credit for your work moving forward.
- Your partner might have a habit of criticizing you, but pointing that out will only make them lash out more. It’s better to redirect them in the moment with things like “we-language” or vague responses.
- You might have a relative who’s really hurt you in the past. Distancing yourself from them and focusing on your other relationships will make you a lot happier than trying to confront the narcissist.
- If you do bring it up, they’ll just try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened. Alternatively, they may try to act like they’re the victim. It’s just not worth it.

12

Limit what you tell them so they can’t gossip.

Narcissists can and will use everything you say against you. They may act like they care about you, but they’re just trying to get the dirt. Limit what you tell them to the bare minimum so they don’t have much information to use. Additionally, never tell them anything you consider to be a secret.^{[12]
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- A narcissist might try to use information about your past to make you look bad. They could say, “Alice missed a deadline last year, so she probably will again. I should take the lead on the project.”
- They could also gossip about you, sometimes bending the truth. They might say, “James told me he hated the gift you gave him,” or “Taryn said they might not come to Thanksgiving this year. Maybe they just don’t like your cooking.”

13

Set boundaries with them to protect yourself.

Explain the behaviors you will and won’t accept from them. Then, give them consequences for what will happen if they disrespect your boundaries. If they violate your boundaries, follow through on the consequences you set. Establishing boundaries allows you to take back your power in the relationship. Here are some boundaries you might set:
- “If you yell at me or call me names, I’m going to leave the conversation.”
- “Don’t share my personal details with anyone else. If you do, I’m not sharing with you anymore.”
- “I’m not going to explain myself. If you keep pressing me, I’ll leave.”
- “I will only offer you comfort and advice about a problem one time.”
- “I won’t listen to gossip.”

14

Take care of your own needs because they won’t.

Unfortunately, a narcissist is incapable of being there for someone else. If your parent or partner is a narcissist, they may be unable to be there for you when you need them.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Tend to your physical health by eating well, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep. For your emotional needs, try meditation, journaling, yoga, or deep breathing to help you relax.^{[14]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- If your parent is a narcissist, you may really struggle to focus on your own needs because you’re so used to tending to your parents’ needs. Fortunately, you can learn to focus on yourself, and going to therapy can help.

15

Build a support system to help you stay strong.

Being around a narcissist can drain you. Surround yourself with people who fill your cup, whether it’s family or friends. Identify who you can call on days you’re really struggling, and make plans to have fun with people you care about. You deserve love and affection.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If a relative is narcissistic, spend more time with your other family members or the people in your life who feel like family.
- If you work with a narcissistic coworker, call or text a friend on days they’re especially difficult.
- If your friend is a narcissist, make sure you have other friends who can offer you the support you need.

16

Resist their attempts to lure you back into a close relationship.

When you start slipping away, a narcissist will turn on the charm. They’ll shower you with praise and make you feel like you’re so important to them. All of this love bombing can make you doubt yourself and your new boundaries, but it’s all manipulation. Maintain your emotional distance from the narcissist and keep your boundaries in place.
- Make a list of the ways their narcissism has hurt you in the past. When the love bombing starts, read over your list to remind you why this person is bad news.