How to Recognize if Your Partner is a Sociopath

Co-authored by Natalia S. David, PsyD

Last Updated: September 7, 2022 References Approved

Many people wrongly assume that all sociopaths are cold-blooded serial killers you hear about on the news. In reality, though, sociopaths are skilled at blending in with the rest of society, and you probably know a few in your everyday life. A coworker, a friend, or even your partner might be a sociopath. Sociopaths are not necessarily dangerous criminals, but they do have characteristics that can be difficult to live with. By researching sociopathic traits and taking a closer look at your partner's behaviors and relationships, you can figure out if you partner is a sociopath.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Checking for Sociopathic Behaviors

1
Reflect on your partner’s truthfulness. Telling lies comes naturally to a sociopath. Rather than feeling guilty about lying, as most people would, sociopaths can tell outrageous untruths without feeling any remorse. A sociopath may lie about anything and everything, including his or her job, marital status, and past.^{[1]
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- Sociopaths lie for many reasons. Some lie to manipulate people into doing what they want. Others simply do it out of habit or for a thrill.
- If caught in a lie, a sociopath may invent more lies to cover it up. This can make it difficult to untangle their web of deceit.
- For instance, maybe your boyfriend says he's been at his friend's house, but his friend just posted on social media that he was out of town. When you point this out, your boyfriend then makes up a new friend that you have never heard of before.
2
Decide if your loved one is manipulative. One of the defining traits of a sociopath is having a skewed conscience. Because they don’t have a normal sense of right and wrong, sociopaths will manipulate and mislead other people to get what they want without considering how it makes their victims feel.^{[2]
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- A few manipulative techniques that sociopaths favor include taking advantage of your sense of pity, making you feel guilty, flattering you, and assuming a fake personality.
- Does your girlfriend always expect you to pay for everything--not just dates, but her bills, cosmetic treatments and all-girl's getaways? And, when you say "Hey, I don't have money to pay for that," she says "If you loved me, you would get it for me?" This can be a form of manipulation.
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3
Note whether your loved one is easily set off. Does your loved one have a short temper? Irritability and aggressiveness are other common traits of sociopaths, which can sometimes lead to things like physical fights and assaults. Sociopaths also find it hard to forgive slights, even though the idea of “forgiveness” is foreign to them.^{[3]
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4
Determine if your loved one disregards rules or social conventions. Sociopaths see themselves as superior to others and often disregard the social norms that other people live by. They feel that laws, unspoken rules of politeness, and other common conventions do not apply to them. However, they are good at pretending to observe social norms in situations where they think it will benefit them.
- For example, are you often fearful of getting into trouble in their presence? Maybe your boyfriend has a total disregard for paying bills on time, so your shared vehicle gets repossessed. Or, your girlfriend goes and jumps in a private pool despite a clear sign saying "No Trespassing!"
5
Ask yourself whether your partner seems impulsive or hedonistic. Sociopaths are self-centered and usually don’t feel fear or anxiety to the same degree other people do. As a result, they tend to live according to their whims. They do what feels good to them in the moment without thinking about the consequences of their actions.^{[4]
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- Irresponsible spending, risky sexual behavior, and unsafe driving are a few impulsive behaviors that sociopaths may engage in.
- Have you and your significant other had problems with cheating? Maybe your partner tells you that they slept with someone else because you had upset them. This demonstrates rash decision-making along with instant gratification without any regard to the consequences--both of which indicate sociopathy.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Looking at Relational Factors

1
Question what makes you and others attracted to your partner. Many sociopaths manage to fly under the radar because they are very charismatic. Though they do not feel emotions the same way most other people do, they are skilled at mimicking displays of feelings and creating the illusion of rapport with other people. This superficial charm helps sociopaths get their way.^{[5]
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- For example, when you are introduced to new people, do they always comment on how outgoing and charismatic your date is? Do you introduce him or her to relatives and they immediately believe your date is the greatest? Maybe this person even acts differently in different settings or around certain people. They may change their likes and dislikes depending on their audience at a given time.
2
Think about how your partner responds to the needs of others. Does he or she show empathy? Sociopaths have a limited ability to feel other people’s pain or happiness, so they rarely feel remorse or guilt for doing things that hurt other people.
- A sociopath may be able to put on a convincing display of empathy if the situation calls for it. Due to sociopaths’ well-developed social skills, most people have a hard time recognizing that such displays of emotion are fake.
3
Consider whether your partner has very few friends. Sociopaths don’t enjoy friendship the way most other people do. Due to their lack of empathy, most sociopaths only want to spend time with other people when they can get something out of the interaction. Other people may also cut contact with a sociopath when they catch on to his or her pattern of lying and manipulation.^{[6]
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4
Consider the kind of people your partner seeks out. Many sociopaths have an inflated self-image and see themselves as superior to others. As a result, they often try to surround themselves with high-powered, prominent people. They may do this in an effort to climb a career or social ladder, present a certain image to the world, or simply reinforce their ego.^{[7]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Sociopaths

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Recognize the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath. Sociopaths and psychopaths share some traits, such as a charming demeanor, lack of empathy, and a tendency to lie. However, psychopaths’ symptoms are more extreme and dangerous. Psychopaths are far more likely to hurt other people than sociopaths are. Sociopaths have a skewed sense of morality, but psychopaths have no sense of morality at all.^{[8]
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- Experts believe that psychopathy arises from primarily genetic factors, while sociopathy can be the result of genetics, childhood trauma, or both.
2
Understand how sociopathy and psychopathy are diagnosed. The DSM, the official handbook for mental disorders, does not use the terms sociopath and psychopath. Instead, it groups sociopathy and psychopathy together under the term antisocial personality disorder.
- Antisocial personality disorder is diagnosed based on the traits sociopaths and psychopaths share, including lack of consideration for others, lack of guilt, and disregard for social customs and rules.^{[9]
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Realize that not all sociopaths are violent. Psychopaths are more likely than sociopaths to engage in violent behavior. Sociopaths might deceive and manipulate people to get what they want, but they usually do not hurt others physically.^{[10]
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- Sociopaths might not be physically violent, but their lies and manipulation can still be hurtful to the people around them. If you think your partner is a sociopath, take steps to protect yourself emotionally.

Expert Q&A

Question

The guy I've been with for 4 years shows all of the traits of a sociopath. But he gets choked up when he talks about his mom's death or his dog that died. He has also teared up at the idea of losing me and cried when I was released from jail after forgetting to go to court, thinking that I was going to be gone for a long time. Is he a sociopath?

Natalia S. David, PsyD
Psychologist
Dr. David is an Assistant Professor in Psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and a Psychiatry Consultant at Clements University Hospital and at Zale Lipshy University Hospital. She is a member of the Board of Behavioral Sleep Medicine, the Academy for Integrative Pain Management, and the American Psychological Association’s Division of Health Psychology. In 2017, she received the Baylor Scott & White Research Institute’s Podium Presentation Award and scholarship. She received her PsyD from Alliant International University in 2017 with an emphasis in Health Psychology.

Natalia S. David, PsyD

Psychologist

Expert Answer

A lot of personality disorders share specific traits or overlap in some way. While it is hard to say definitively that he is or isn't a sociopath, he might have some traits of sociopathy that overlap with another personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder. If you are concerned about his behavior, consider encouraging him to see a professional.