How to Help Loved Ones with Avoidant Personality Disorder

Co-authored by Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Last Updated: April 19, 2022 References

A person with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) might be described as shy, insecure, or inhibited. While these characteristics may be used to describe most humans at some point in life, those with avoidant personality disorder demonstrate these traits to an extent that their lives are negatively affected. They may avoid social interaction, start relationships only to pull away when they perceive rejection, and seem overly sensitive to criticism. People with this disorder face many challenges, and by educating yourself, you can learn how to provide support and set realistic expectations for your relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Offering Support

1
Encourage your loved one to seek treatment. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most effective way to treat avoidant personality disorder. Over time, therapy can help people with this disorder feel less self-conscious.^{[1]
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MedlinePlus
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Go to source} An experienced therapist can help your loved one find ways to cope with their condition and live a fuller life.
- Broach this topic gently and tactfully to avoid making your loved one feel defensive. For instance, you might say, “I’m a little worried about you. You seem lonely and isolated lately. I care about you and want you to be happy. Do you think seeing a therapist would help you have an easier time talking to people?”
- Seeking help early is important because it can help your loved one avoid the negative side effects of untreated avoidant personality disorder, such as depression.^{[2]
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- If the relationship is a romantic one, you might offer to go to couples therapy with your beloved. If the relationship is a sibling or other relative, you might suggest going to family therapy.
2
Remember that you can’t “fix” your loved one. No matter how much you want to help someone, when dealing with a condition such as AvPD, the person affected has to decide to help themselves first.
- Make sure the person knows they have your support and acceptance, but don’t put pressure on yourself to solve your loved one’s problems for them.^{[3]
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- Don't tell your loved one how they should act. Instead, talk to them about how they feel, and the ways they'd like to improve themselves.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
  Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.}
- Say something like "I want you to know that I love you and I support your choice to get help. If there's something I can do, you need only ask."
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3
Encourage healthy coping strategies. People with AvPD are at an increased risk for developing problems with addiction or substance abuse. They are also prone to depression.^{[5]
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Research source} Healthy coping strategies can help them deal with their difficult feelings in constructive ways.
- Be available for your loved one if they need someone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on, and encourage them to adopt healthy stress relief strategies such as exercise.
- Invite them to exercise with you. "Hey, why don't we go for a hike this weekend," or "Would you like to join me in Zumba class?" are great ways to help a best friend, sibling, or partner stay physically active and fight stress.
- Yoga is also a great way to help enrich the person both mentally and physically. Yoga is an exercise that combines meditation and stretching.
- When you notice that your loved one has done something differently, give them positive feedback, which will encourage them to make more changes in their life.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
  Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.}
4
Highlight your loved one’s positive traits. Much of the time, people with avoidant personality disorder struggle with feeling inadequate or inferior. Instead of arguing with someone’s irrational belief that there is something wrong with them, focus on the person’s positive characteristics, such as anything you like or appreciate about them.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.}
- You might say "I know you're going through a difficult time right now, but I want you to know how much I admire your strength and perseverance. You are such an inspiration to me."
- You can also talk to the person about the things that interest them. Go out of your way to find out more about those interests, and learn to share their excitement.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
  Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.}
- Depending on your relationship with this person, it may also help to ask others to join in. Tell your girlfriend's best friend that she's been having a hard time, and that she could use some extra praise and reassurance. Suggest to your parents that they take a break from stressing your brother about college and, instead, you all could go on a fun family outing. Eliminating a little of the stress and replacing it with positives could help a great deal.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Understanding the Disorder

1
Know the primary symptoms of AvPD. People who have this disorder often seem very shy, inhibited, or tense. They may spend most of their time alone and seem to have few friends, although they may wish for close relationships. Avoidant personality disorder can lead to social isolation and loneliness.^{[9]
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- Extreme shyness
- Intense anxiety in social situations
- Excessive worry about potential problems
- Avoiding social and other risks
- Intense fear of rejection, disapproval, and criticism
- High sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism
- Low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy
- Difficulty functioning at school or work because of these issues
Tip: Avoidant personality disorder is not the same thing as simply being shy. Some shyness is normal and doesn’t usually have a negative effect on a person’s life, but avoidant personality disorder can damage a person’s relationships, self-esteem, and ability to work or go to school.
2
Recognize that personality disorders are hard to change. Avoidant personality disorder is a complex condition that affects a person’s thoughts and behaviors in all aspects of their life. The deep-seated habits and thought patterns of avoidant personality disorder are caused by multiple genetic, environmental, and social factors.^{[11]
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- Because avoidant personality disorder is so central to the way a person thinks and acts, it is difficult to get rid of the condition entirely; however, cognitive behavioral therapy can help people with this disorder learn coping strategies for a more fulfilling life.
- Learning the resistant nature of personality disorders may influence how you choose to move forward with the relationship. If it's a significant other, you may decide that you can't handle their insecure behavior and want to move on. If it's a best friend, you may feel that this person's tendency to isolate keeps you from making other friends. Knowing more about the disorder can help guide your decisions about the future of your relationship with this person.
3
Participate in a support group. Talking with other people whose lives have been affected by avoidant personality disorder can provide a sense of community and understanding. People who understand what you’re going through can help you understand avoidant personality disorder better and find strategies for helping someone with the condition.
- Attending a support group can also be helpful for those who have avoidant personality disorder, but many people with this condition prefer not to meet others face-to-face. For a low-pressure alternative, help your loved one find an online support group.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Managing Expectations

1
Set and enforce personal boundaries. Someone with AvPD may be unintentionally hurtful, emotionally tiring, or otherwise difficult to deal with at times. If you don't feel like you can help them as much as they would like, tell them so. Don’t feel guilty for being up-front about what you can deal with and what you can’t.^{[12]
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- Set boundaries to limit time as needed. For example, "I need to start homework soon but I can talk for 30 minutes," or "I can't talk after 9 pm because I need to rest." This way, you can support them, without giving up too much time for other important parts of your life.
- Honesty is important for a healthy relationship. It’s okay to say something like, “I want to support you, but I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately and I need some space.” Tell your boyfriend you need to take a break for awhile. Mention to your friend that you need some time to think.
2
Encourage your loved one to develop their support network. Reach out to the person's loved ones, and encourage them to spend more time with this person. Remind the person that their loved ones would enjoy spending time together.
- You should not be the only support person for the person with AvPD, as this isn't fair to either one of you.
- If you are too busy or overwhelmed to help them when they need help, you can suggest that they go to another close loved one.
- Even young children can help. For example, you could say "Your big sister is having a bad day. She might feel better if she could spend some time reading or playing video games with you today."
3
Avoid forcing your loved one into social situations. Being put on the spot or forced to talk to other people can be difficult and upsetting for someone with AvPD. If you put them into a social situation against their will, it almost certainly won’t help. They may start feeling angry with you, or ashamed at their perceived deficiencies. It won't help their social skills.
- Let your loved one decide for themselves if and when they want to engage in interactions with other people.^{[13]
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- This can be especially hard if the person is your significant other or best friend. These relationships are naturally social ones; however, if your girlfriend does not like hanging in groups, support her interests and stick to smaller group settings. If your best friend doesn't want to go to a party, see if you can go with another group of acquaintances.
4
Don’t take their behavior personally. For people who don’t have avoidant personality disorder, the behavior of someone with this condition may seem puzzling or hurtful at times. Your loved one may act friendly one minute and push you away the next, or they may go silent and refuse to interact for long periods of time. Remember that their behavior is a reflection of their disorder, not how they feel about you.
- Romantic and close relationships may suffer from this because, if your date or BFF pushes you away, you immediately will think you did something wrong. Just try to remember the unique traits of this person. Also, remind yourself that they have only a few social relationships. So, if they are keeping you around, they must still like you and want you in their life.
5
Get support for yourself too. Visiting a therapist, joining a support group for family members of people with AvPD, or just talking with a friend can help you deal with your emotions and relieve stress. Maintaining a stable, positive state of mind will make you better able to help your loved one.
- If your loved one lives in the same house with you, make an effort to get some away time for yourself often. Make plans with friends or go on a daytime outing just to clear your head.
- If your loved one is a significant other, take the opportunity to get therapy, if possible. It can be detrimental to your self-confidence when your S.O. pulls away out of the blue. Get counseling to address how their personality disorder is impacting you.
- If your loved one is a friend, be sure to sustain other friendships. It can be easy to get lost in this person's world, but it's healthy and absolutely OK to have outside friendships, too.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I support someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder?

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Dr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor

Expert Answer

It's important to interact with the person within their frame of reference. Thus, rather than telling them how they should act, talk to them about how they feel, and how they wish they could improve. Tell them what you like and appreciate about them, and give them positive feedback when you see them trying to make a change.