11 Ways to Checkmate a Narcissist

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: May 23, 2022 References

Coping with a narcissist can leave you feeling totally drained. You may be looking forward to the day you finally regain some power in this relationship. So, is there anything you can do to fix your situation? Yes, there is—and we're here to help. We've consulted psychologists to learn all the best ways to shut down a narcissist. Read on for our comprehensive list of strategies to stop a narcissist in their tracks.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Set and enforce boundaries.

A narcissist will take as much time and energy as you allow them to. These people often see their friends and connections as a means of furthering their own personal goals—so you have to set limits for them. Explain your boundaries clearly. Then, be sure to consistently hold this person accountable when they cross the line.^{[1]
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- For example: “I can’t be at your beck and call 24/7. When I tell you I’m busy, you have to accept that. You can’t just show up at my house or yell at me until I cave.”
- Enforce your boundaries when necessary: “I told you I had to study tonight. No, you can’t come over. Even if you get upset, I’m putting my schoolwork first.”
- If necessary, set boundaries for yourself, too. Remember that a narcissist will continue to take and take any chance they get.

2

Limit your reactions.

Narcissists feed off of being able to manipulate and agitate you. If they can't control your behavior, then their new goal will be to simply get a rise out of you. To checkmate a narcissist, make this impossible. When this person yells, manipulates, or belittles you, as difficult as it can be, try to express little to no emotion.^{[2]
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- Even if they’re clearly being hypocritical or judgmental, avoid defensive responses. If possible, wear a blank expression on your face.
- If the narcissist doubles down to create more drama, simply hold their eye contact, go about your business, and pretend like what they’re saying is normal.
- This will frustrate any narcissist. No reaction? Suddenly, they'll feel totally powerless. And with that, it'll be checkmate!

3

Speak carefully around them.

Narcissists will weaponize everything you say against you. Dealing with a narcissist, you’re probably familiar with this one. Somehow, every harmless comment you make is noted and then used against you down the line. To make this impossible for them, watch what you say around this person. When they ask questions about you, give ambiguous, limited answers.^{[3]
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- When possible, turn the conversation’s focus back onto them. Because they have an inflated sense of self, this probably won’t be hard to do.
- This is especially important when you're upset. Avoid talking down to them and making generalizations about them. Don't let your feelings get the best of you.^{[4]
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- With less material for the narcissist to dredge up, they’ll feel helpless when trying to manipulate you. This is how you’ll checkmate a narcissist.

4

Use phrases that will shut them down.

In arguments with a narcissist, stay neutral but don't accept blame. Narcissists are looking to project onto you, gaslight you, or attack you, so make sure to respond in a calm, even tone. Stay mature and balanced. That way, it's nearly impossible to take issue with your comments. And at the same time, it doesn’t place the blame on you. Try one of these phrases below:^{[5]
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- “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
- “I have no right to control how you see me.”
- “All I can do is accept how you feel.”
- “Your anger is not my responsibility.”

5

Maintain a realistic view of this person.

Narcissists will charm, disarm, and hurt you—but only if you let them. When you first meet a narcissist, they may appear charismatic and approachable. Over time, though, they'll reveal their true colors. To keep your power over a narcissist, keep your perspective of them in check, especially if they turn on the charm.^{[6]
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- To help with this, reflect on how this person treats other people. Do you respect or admire the way they act towards friends and family?
- By seeing this person realistically, you’re taking away their influence over you. If you know their words are empty, then those words can’t hurt you. That's how you beat a narcissist at their own game.

6

Withhold your validation.

Narcissists, more than anything, are searching for approval and status. In their relationship with you, it’s likely that their priority is gaining your respect and praise—but when they don’t get that, they resort to bullying and manipulation. Narcissists will take and take—no amount of praise will earn reciprocated kindness. So, don’t feed their ego.^{[7]
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- If a narcissist is clearly showcasing their talents to get your praise, change the subject: “Yeah, that’s cool. I’ve gotta run, sorry. I’m late!”
- Withholding validation helps you take back your power. Not only does it leave the narcissist frustrated, but it also helps you set an important personal boundary.

7

Radiate confidence and poise.

By showing your value, you’ll gain more power over a narcissist. This is someone who cares about status above all—and confidence plays a big role in how people perceive our status.^{[8]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} So in groups especially, work on emanating charisma and grace.^{[9]
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- Even if you don’t feel confident, you can still appear that way. Hold eye contact, stand with great posture, smile often, avoid fidgeting, and speak clearly.
- Try to surround yourself with people who make you feel great. Look out for friends who hype you up and at the same time, make you feel super comfortable.
- When a narcissist sees you working the room, you’ll gain power over them. You have something they desperately crave, and you got it through positivity and kindness (not lies and manipulation).

8

Join their team.

To manage the relationship long-term, become their friend, not foe. You may decide that it’s not worth squaring up against this person—and instead, you’d rather just dodge future attacks. Instead of withholding validation, make your wins their wins. Narcissists may not care about you, but they do care about their own success. So, make your success their success.^{[10]
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- Ask them for advice. Explain that you really value their opinion. Then, make sure they know that you’ve done what they suggested.
- Team up on a project, task, or even a group game together. By aligning your interests, you’re becoming less of a threat to them.
- Make casual comments about how you two are in things together: “I feel like we’re a dynamic duo. I really couldn’t have done this without you!”
- Note that this tactic involves fluffing their ego. So it won't make sense to use this along with another tip that involves withholding praise.

9

Build up a strong sense of self.

Narcissists use lies and manipulation to warp your view of reality. They’re desperately trying to uphold their own visions of grandiosity, and to get you on board, they're not afraid to gaslight you.^{[11]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Trusting in your own thoughts, feelings, and values helps you deflect their manipulation.
- Reflect on your personal strengths and weaknesses. Starting a daily journal can help you deep-dive into self-exploration topics.
- Surround yourself with genuine, affirming people. It's also helpful to spend time with friends who don’t know the narcissist in your life. Having separate relationships is crucial to cementing your identity without the narcissist.^{[12]
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- The more outside perspective and internal strength you find, the less power this narcissist will have on you. Pretty soon, their insults will be just a slight annoyance. With that, you'll have them beat.

10

Go no contact.

If the relationship is draining you, it’s time to cut this person off. When you’ve tried setting boundaries, and still, this relationship leaves you feeling empty, anxious, or even just unsatisfied—cut the cord. Holding out hope that this person could change doesn’t serve your happiness, it serves the narcissist. Even if it feels so tough, end your contact with this person.^{[13]
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- You’ll probably find it helpful to avoid all exposure to the narcissist. So, block them across your social media platforms and delete their number.
- If this is someone you have to stay in touch with, choose an impersonal form of communication, like email.
- If you think you may have trouble keeping your no-contact rule, write down all of the reasons you stepped away from the relationship. Then, when you feel tempted, you can remind yourself of why you left.^{[14]
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11

Move on.

After dealing with a narcissist, you deserve to prioritize yourself. You've likely spent so much time, energy, and effort on this person since you met them, so now that you're moving on, focus on you. You may feel worn down or out of touch with yourself after all of the gaslighting, lies, and manipulation.^{[15]
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- Reach out to a mental health professional for help processing your experience.
- Get back in touch with your passions, hobbies, and values.
- Focus on self-care. Try meditation, yoga, and other forms of exercise.